The next morning I woke up,  and found this email in my Facebook  Inbox:

(And so it began…)

**The following are the ACTUAL emails that were sent back and forth between me and Nadia after discovering the ugly truth about Volga: the man I was engaged to and living with here in Penticton had another girlfriend in Vancouver the entire three years we were together.  He was living a double life.  He told her he was working out of the country, meanwhile he was working out of my home office in Penticton.  And when he told me he was going to Vancouver to “work on the condo”, he was returning home to her.

There has been no embellishment whatsoever (the only changes were for punctuation and spelling just to make it easier to read)- other than that it is raw and it is real.  Read at your own risk, and PLEASE, FEEL FREE TO COMMENT HERE ON OUR COMMENTS PAGE.

December

March 15 at 12:19pm

Hi December,

I was reading your blog and my stomach fell when I read about your long distance relationship with Volga. I don’t know if you are still seeing each other, but I thought you should know that I have also been in a relationship with him since July 06, til today i guess. I guess there was a lot of lying involved to both of us.

I don’t mean to cause trouble but I am sickened that this happened and would want someone to tell me the same.

Nadia

____________________________________________

December Foster
March 15 at 12:24pm
Nadia what are you talking about – me and Volga live together in Penticton and have for the past year.

Nadia Slakov
March 15 at 12:25pm
Oh im sorry! this is not Volga Mermut?

December Foster
March 15 at 12:28pm
Is this some kind of joke – because I have been with Volga for three years, and we have lived together for almost two years actually.  We have 2 dogs and 8 cats and are renovating a house here.
I saw a picture of you and him together on your Facebook once and when I asked him about it he told me he knew you from the race track and he said he called you and asked you to change the photograph because it was upsetting me.  If you are trying to cause problems, that’s not very nice.

December Foster
March 15 at 12:29pm
Yes of course it is Volga Mermut – look at my photos.

Nadia Slakov
March 15 at 12:31pm
No I am not trying to cause problems.  I am shaking as I write this.  I can’t believe this is happening.  I also asked him about you and he got so defensive.  I didn’t want to believe it.  But now i have the proof.

He is a lying cheating piece of shit.  I am so sorry.  We have been in a relationship for almost 3 years.   I always wondered why we had to use condoms.  Now I know.  I was the whore.  How could he have done this?!?!

December Foster
March 15 at 12:31pm
I have an engagement ring on my finger though.
wtf

December Foster
March 15 at 12:31pm
This has happened to me before.

December Foster
March 15 at 12:32pm
So how often do you see him?  He goes to Van to work on the condo from time to time, do you see him then?

December Foster
March 15 at 12:32pm
When is the last time you saw him?

December Foster
March 15 at 12:36pm
Please answer me omg.

Nadia Slakov
March 15 at 12:38pm
I saw him a couple weeks ago maybe, I don’t get to see him very often, maybe every couple of weeks.  He says his company is going through hard times and he has to work like crazy.  I can’t believe I felt anything for him.  I should have listened to my gut.  I want to hurt him so bad right now.

Nadia Slakov
March 15 at 12:40pm
Well that’s three wasted years of my life.  Better than being the whore any longer I suppose.  I never really did trust him, but this, this is too much for me.  What kind of human being is so deceitful?!?!

December Foster
March 15 at 12:41pm
I don’t know….

December Foster
March 15 at 12:43pm
I honestly don’t know what makes sense now.

December Foster
March 15 at 12:43pm
I mean, we live together, we’re reno’ing a house together, he’s best friends with my entire family…… we have pets… omg i have to face the truth now too……………

December Foster
March 15 at 12:44pm
I can’t get a hold of him cuz he’s playing soccer FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK I can’t believe this Nadia I really can’t.

Nadia Slakov
March 15 at 12:46pm
I am so sorry I feel like everything is falling apart but i don’t even have a life with him.  He met my parents and loved them but was always nervous to come over.  I just can’t imagine how you are feeling and I’m sorry this is happening.  But if you want him, you can have him, I will not be in contact with him.

December Foster
March 15 at 12:48pm

I have lived on this earth long enough to know I don’t want a fucking cheating bastard – I’ve had those and I hate them.

Funny – yesterday I prayed for a sign of what i was supposed to do – a CLEAR – NO ROOM FOR DEBATE – SIGN because I have been feeling uneasy and confused but with no real evidence and FUCK – be careful what you wish for lol – this is some fucking sign omg.

December Foster
March 15 at 12:50pm
Well he’s in Vancouver right now if you must know – working on the condo and some other stuff.  Boy isn’t he going to be surprised when I tell him he cant come back – maybe I should sell his racebike lol.  Maybe I sound flippant – but this is INSANE I think I’m in shock.

Nadia Slakov
March 15 at 12:59pm
I’m in shock too!  I am in total shock.  I wish you were in Vancouver and we could confront him together.  I hope he burns in hell, he talks such LIES!!!
If you ever need anything from me I am happy to help.  He is ignoring all my messages now.  I left a couple angry yelling messages on his voicemail.

Yes sell his trackbike!  The one he was going to let me use this year!

I am in total shock too.

December Foster
March 15 at 1:03pm
No hes not ignoring he’s playing soccer.  I’ve been calling a million times as well, so i guess as soon as soccer is over he will be putting 2 and 2 together.  FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

December Foster
March 15 at 1:12pm
So does everyone at the racetrack know you were together then?  Because I have a lot of friends at the racetrack and nobody told me anything.  Oliver, Misty, Amber…….

Nadia Slakov
March 15 at 1:16pm
No not everyone at the racetrack, I didn’t know that many people.  But definitely some.  Jason, his race partner, Andrea I’m pretty sure…. I am just thinking about that too.  How many of his friends that I knew, knew the story but never told me.  Gary Taylor, Steve, Rob…. I always wondered why I never met any female friends!

December Foster
March 15 at 1:25pm
Omg Gary knows?  This is so fucked up.

Nadia Slakov
March 15 at 1:37pm
Yes, Gary would come out to dinner with us so often!  WFT!!!!  Are all guys just naturally DOGS?!  Have you heard from him yet?  I am going crazy, maybe he has nothing to say to me and will just end things like a coward.

December Foster
March 15 at 1:43pm
No he’s scared to call I’m sure – he must be some kind of sociopath or something – like, how can a person live two separate lives?
You know – i always joked with him that he had a wife and kids somewhere.

You know we were trying to have a baby after two very devastating miscarriages????  FUCK

Do you know if its possible to sell a racebike without the deed?  Does it require a deed???

December Foster
March 15 at 1:43pm
Gary has come here and stayed at our HOUSE.  What the fuck is wrong with these people??????

Nadia Slakov
March 15 at 1:49pm
Omg it just is so much.  I always joked with him about having a wife and kids too.  Right from the start.  He loved that!  He loved to torture me!!!  What is wrong with him?!?!  What is wrong with me for not listening to my gut?!  I found a card from you once and that is the moment I should have been true to my instinct.  2.5 years ago.  Amazing what sheer wanting to believe differently can do.

You were trying to have a baby?  He told me once that he had a miscarriage.  I hope he loses his testicles.

I don’t know about selling it, but you are a better woman than me.  I would be torching that thing for sure, with every last thing he ever gave me.  I think there’s a site for selling jewelery from douchebag exes.  I am going to look that up right now.

December Foster
March 15 at 1:53pm
Would you lol.  And you know what – I found a lovey dovey card in his condo once too – about 2.5 years ago.  Maybe we found the same one.  Omg

Was it a Valentines card and did it say something vague like FROM YOU KNOW WHO or something?

December Foster
March 15 at 1:54pm
Omg Nadia he must be seriously insane – like for REAL.  He played the same game of torture with me all the time.  But once when I broke up with him, he curled up into a ball literally and cried for hours.

I DON’T UNDERSTAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nadia Slakov
March 15 at 1:59pm
I don’t understand either!!!  He must be deeply fucked up.  He would get so insanely upset when i wanted to end things too.  But he had a marriage!!!  He was just toying with my life!  How does he come across as such a kind caring person??  He is very messed up.

I am so sorry that this will impact your life as much as it has.  But it is a small comfort to know he has lost everything.

Nadia Slakov
March 15 at 2:01pm
Re. the card, it was a Valentines card, saying that person will always be in love with him, but I’m sure it was signed “Dee” or “D”, which I immediately knew was you from Googling his name and seeing pics of you two together.  He would get mad at me for doing that.  No shit!

December Foster
March 15 at 2:03pm
Ican’t help but feel sorry for him.  He really has lost everything – you have no idea how much he loves my dog London. Why do i feel sorry for him????????????  Because that’s the way I am I guess.  I am SO SHOCKED that he had a girlfriend all this time.  And he used the same jokes on us and the same lies and were were having a very parallel experience in many ways….. wow.  I see one of your pics where he had the handlebar moustache and i know exactly when that was.  Omg this is too much.  I can’t believe i don’t hate you either – it’s so weird.

I think I always knew something wasn’t right in my gut – which is probably why i always felt so unsettled and confused… I mean, he’s an unusual dude that for sure…. GAWD.  GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWD

Well I’m sorry for you too.  I know all too well the pain of heartache.

Nadia Slakov
March 15 at 2:10pm
I feel amazingly calm right now.  It wouldn’t make sense to hate each other, we were the ‘victims’ of his lies.  I would never ever try to take another woman’s man.  Maybe cheating isn’t so rare, but the entire web of deceit is something to behold.  Maybe that’s why we don’t hate each other, because we know the shock of it all.

He’s a charmer.  I am never going to fall for one of those again.  I could kind of see it if he got drunk and would start flirting with my friends, looking at them with those eyes I thought were reserved for me.  I think i am going to do a bit of counseling, make sure I don’t lose my faith in humanity!!!

Nadia Slakov
March 15 at 3:06pm
Thanks for the friend request.  I honestly think the only reason I feel okay now is our communication.  And my boyfriend before this latest sham of a relationship also cheated on me.  So I am trying not to internalize it either- there are A LOT of shitheads out there!  Hopefully that was the last one either of us ever have to encounter.

Nadia

December Foster
March 15 at 3:11pm
Ya I have been cheated on and lied to before as well…. so i know how it goes.  This is different than the past ones though – he had my whole family fooled, I mean, he was a PART of the family like you wouldn’t believe.  It’s so trippy – my mom just came by and she and my dad are in absolute SHOCK – my dad cant actually believe it.  For real.

What I’m getting at is: ya I wouldn’t internalize it….. because it wasn’t just you that was fooled – it was an entire FAMILY and me and all my friends who all adore Volga and think he is the most amazing man I could ever find – no-one could believe how much he loved me and how much he doted on me – I mean this man did EVERYTHING for me….. there was no end to it.

Which is also why it is so hard to believe that this is happening.  UN REAL.  My mom is devastated.  So sad.  But don’t feel like a fool – the more I think about the little details, the more I come to realize he really must be insane.

December Foster
March 15 at 3:38pm
Sorry I’m really not trying to hurt your feelings by telling you about our relationship – I am in complete and utter shock and disbelief.
I appreciate you talking to me though – super weird that we are discussing this, like really weird – and so grown up lol.

Feel free to talk to me anytime.  Maybe we will be each others’ therapy through this insaaaaaaaaaaaaaaane time.

Gawd I just re-read that and it sounds so….. cold and unfeeling, when I really feel totally torn up and FUCKED up inside….

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Nadia Slakov
March 15 at 4:11pm
Hahahaha it is super weird but great!  I just had a wonderful phone call with my friend who teaches meditation, and she framed it in such a wonderful way: this is a day to celebrate, this is part of your liberation!  The is the Maya (illusion) that can appear so real, and yet is nothing more than a lie.  That is not to say he didn’t really love you or me, but it just wans’t respectful (the biggest understatement of the year!)

So bizarre to have been the mistress!  I must have been doing a lot of projecting onto him in order to see what I wanted in him.  Although I demanded to know if I was ‘the one’ and all that.  So crazy.

He is definitely not going to contact me again!  That’s fine.  Well now i can go back to a cheap phone plan ahhhhhhhhhhh.

It definitely doesn’t hurt my feelings to hear about you guys.  I mean, my stomach sank when I saw certain photos, but that’s the normal response.  I feel ready to start life anew!  But I’m sure it will be a cycle of up and down for awhile, so I appreciate the offer to talk.

December Foster
March 15 at 4:23pm
The gravity of this is just starting to sink in – how can we know a person so intimately, so deeply for so LONG, only to have it be revealed that they are not the person we thought they were?

And since we don’t actually know them, what else are they capable of?  We think we know, but we do not.  Jerry Springer here I come???

My head feels like it is going to explode.

December Foster
March 15 at 4:25pm
It’s so weird to think that while I was at work during the day, he was on the phone with you… and every time he came home from Vancouver he was coming home from you.  So weird.

Nadia Slakov
March 15 at 4:53pm
I just wrote a final farewell email to him.  And not a kindly one either.
Basically questioning how could he smash the hearts of two women that loved him with all their hearts?  I’m sure he will be a mess from all of this.  When you do talk to him, would you tell me what he says, if anything, to explain all this?  I am so confused.

December Foster
March 15 at 4:55pm
Sure I’ll let you know when i hear from him… and I will hear from him because I have all his stuff, his bike, his computers, his engineer graduation documentation, its all here.  Fuck I don’t want to see him but it seems I have no choice.  How could he POSSIBLY explain his behavior – he couldn’t possibly.  That must have felt good to write him a letter.  I’m sure I’ll write mine too sometime.

Nadia Slakov
March 15 at 5:06pm
Thanks, I appreciate that.  I am going to go have a drink now, and see how I feel in a few hours.  Unfuckingreal.
It’s so weird all this just happened in a few hours, well the realization i guess.  If only we could understand what is going on in his head.
At least we have a good supportive network of friends, and ironically each other right now.  I don’t have the guts to post it on my Facebook and yet at the same time I feel like making a website about it LOL.
Later, Nadia

December Foster
March 15 at 5:15pm
Well I always go full hog lol – I cant help myself, and I knew if i changed my relationship status I’d get a million questions so i just went for it.
So one more question before you go get smashed (and me too lol) how did you find my blog in the first place?  Was it my DecemberPussycat.com site?  What were you doing there?

Nadia Slakov
March 15 at 5:33pm
Honestly I was doing my detective work.  My instinct wouldn’t shut up so I followed Gary’s link to Nikki’s pictures, where I saw the Victoria pics from recently and pretty much knew it was all over then.
But I Googled your name and who knew that your blog would answer everything for me?  In this day of instant information, how did he think he keep up the lies?
Sorry if you feel like I was snooping but I suppose I was!  I needed to get to the bottom once and for all.
I just told my dad, (who ironically, Volga loved but was always nervous to talk to because he is a psychiatrist!! ) who said it sounds like the mind of a psychopath, not caring who he hurts.

December Foster
March 15 at 5:38pm
Yes I think he is a sociopath or psychopath for real – for me there is no other explanation.  My youngest brother is researching psychopathy and sociopathy and he fits the profile – although i don’t think he would ever kill anyone, but then, I really don’t know him, do I?

I’m glad you did your detective work.  For that two day window when I discovered he had a Facebook page when he told me he hated Facebook (now i know why) and I saw your profile pic with him on it I did a lot of sleuthing too but couldn’t find anything concrete.  So thank you for ending my constant cycle of knowing in my gut and wondering if I’m losing it or what.  I only hope I can recover from the psychological damage that this is surely doing to me.

Honestly I don’t know how he thought he would ever get away with it, what with Facebook and all.  Thank goodness I like to post any and everything on the web.

Do you really think he doesn’t CARE who he hurts?  It’s so possible, but knowing him and how giving and kind he is so HARD TO WRAP MY HEAD AROUND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAhhhhhh what other explanation could there be??????????????????????????????

December Foster
March 15 at 5:39pm
So what DID he tell you to get you to change your profile pic?  Cuz after I bugged him about how weird it was that some chick had his pic up, he SAID he called you (his acquaintance) and asked you to remove it cuz it was “upsetting the girlfriend”.  What did he really tell you???  Cuz it was changed right after that so called phone call.

December Foster
March 15 at 5:41pm
Fuck I’ve been living with a fucking psychopath for the past 2 years.  OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG my life just gets weirder and weirder!!!!  I HAVE to get my book written omg V gets his very own chapter now!!

Nadia Slakov
March 15 at 6:55pm
Sorry tried to write earlier from my phone but lost the message.  I can’t wrap my head around it either except that he DIDN’T care, if he cared he would have let me go to find a better boyfriend.

As for that profile pic, he went ape shit about that, saying his work buddies we’re flashing it up during a meeting with clients.  I was SO apologetic, it was just another sign.

I can’t believe he hasn’t called yet, well I better get over that shock.  If he didn’t care this whole time, why should he care now.  Spineless sack of shit.

Only a psychopath could put years like this into a lie.

December Foster
March 15 at 7:02pm
It must be true.  I heard you talked to Nikki lol.  She’s a doll.  I used to care for her as a job, for three years, so she thinks of Volga as a dear friend too, which I’m sure she’s told you.

I haven’t heard anything yet either.  He knows his life is fucked now – he’s probably FREAKING OUT – especially since he knows I have all his shit here.

You know – that profile pic fiasco is freaking me out – every little thing that came out of his mouth was lies – lies lies lies. Where do the lies end and the truths begin????????

December Foster
March 15 at 7:07pm
I just saw him go offline on MSN so he’s probably at home now.  Fucking coward… how long will he hide from you and me?

Nadia Slakov
March 15 at 7:22pm
Call me naive but I’m amazed he’s being such a coward!!! I hope he’s freaking out!!!  Yeah why did he even go on Facebook to begin with, play with fire like that?  Did he want to get caught??  Just hard to imagine.

Who is that man?  I regret all the things I ever said to him.  All the love I wasted on him!  And his friends!  They should also have their balls cut off!

I guess i am right into the anger stage, how are you doing?  Lol.

Yes it is freaking me out too, everything he said was lies.  Nothing was real.  It’s freaking me out that I bought it all!  He said I was ‘the one’.  What kind of garbage is that?!  I’m really tempted to write to his family.  Even my dad thought that would be a good idea, although I’ve held off for now because maybe it is crossing a line?  I’ve got his dad’s email address.  Did you ever meet them?  You can write if you want to.  You were the fiancee!!!  I’m sure they would love to hear from the mistress lol.

It’s weird that he was drawn to such extraordinarily kind women (although i am not feeling my most kind right now hahaha) and tainted us with his heartless cruelty.  Is he some kind of evil?  Maybe I am getting melodramatic, but it’s the easiest way for me to understand this mess!

December Foster
March 15 at 7:36pm

You know – one of the weirdest things about our relationship was that, in three years, even though we were living together and engaged and trying to make babies, he never introduced me to his family.

It was weird but i accepted it for the first two years, then it started getting TOO weird, and he had a huge fight with his family, the reason for which im sure was a LIE TOO and they did not speak for like eight months, until this past Christmas when I made him go home and make amends.

Anyways, this past summer when Volga was turning 40, I emailed his parents and his sister several months prior and invited them to come here and surprise him for his 40th, and not one of them ever replied to me.  Can you believe it????? (fucking Gary  came though and stayed at my house.)

V has no way of explaining this phenomenon to me either.  Maybe his whole family is psychotic.

So you can write to them all you want, but I don’t think it will matter one bit although the idea did cross my mind at one point too.  I think they might all be fucked.

December Foster
March 15 at 7:37pm
And yes it is weird that he was drawn to both of us – we are obviously both really good people…. but not easily tricked either I don’t think.

So strange………..

Nadia Slakov
March 15 at 7:38pm
Do you think I should drive to his place?  Confront him?

December Foster
March 15 at 7:38pm
And p.s. I haven’t reached the anger stage yet I don’t think – I’m still stuck in disbelief and shock.

December Foster
March 15 at 7:39pm
But I HAVE put all his clothes in bags and thrown them outside under the carport.  Now I have my second closet back so I hung all my purses in there! woo wee!

I also wrote him an email… a real gooder.  Not that it matters….

December Foster
March 15 at 7:39pm
I also told him if he comes here unannounced, without speaking to me first, I or one of the neighbors will call the police – so eventually he will HAVE to call me.

December Foster
March 15 at 7:40pm
That’s entirely up to you.

December Foster
March 15 at 7:41pm
Maybe I should drive up there tomorrow and we can do it together
Wouldn’t THAT be something.

December Foster
March 15 at 7:42pm
No I don’t think I have the energy for that actually…

December Foster
March 15 at 7:46pm
Isn’t it so weird that we’re both sitting here, waiting for him to call, like THAT’S going to change ANYTHING.  It’s just hard to hear nothing, isn’t it?
Oh well, at least we have each other – we are the only people on the world who know exactly what each other is talking about.

Nadia Slakov
March 15 at 7:47pm
I know I figure if I do go, he just wont answer the door.  But I could cause a scene yelling all that stuff so all his neighbors will hear.

December Foster
March 15 at 7:47pm
Lol you are my kinda gal lol.

December Foster
March 15 at 7:49pm
Lol we should show up there together, look like we’re going to yell at him, then start making out with each OTHER, then stab him in the face and run away.  You know – really mind-fuck him the way he has mind fucked us lol.

Nadia Slakov
March 15 at 7:51pm
It is so hard hearing nothing.  I have totally given up on ever hearing from him again.  Which is fine.  I don’t actually have to go have a scene to feel better or a sense of closure, but i just want to make him SQUIRM.

Nadia Slakov
March 15 at 7:53pm
Well I would do that plan!  Mind fuck him the worst way possible!  And cut his dick off!!!

December Foster
March 15 at 7:53pm

LOL YAY!

December Foster
March 15 at 7:54pm
I’m exhausted.

Nadia Slakov
March 15 at 7:56pm
Me too!  I’m going to take a half a sleeping pill tonight and have a good sleep.  Fuck the bastards of the world.  We are obviously strong women, and are better off without him.

Take care, talk soon.

December Foster
March 15 at 7:58pm
You too, stay well.
D

December Foster
March 15 at 9:47pm
He’s the most handsome man I have ever met you know – that makes it extra hard.  It hurts to look at him.

Nadia Slakov
March 15 at 9:50pm
Fuck i know.  I KNOW.  I am trying to see him as all slimy charm now, hope that will help the process.

December Foster
March 15 at 9:51pm
Ya.  It’s really hard though.   I’m so sad.

Nadia Slakov
March 15 at 9:54pm
Thank God it came about before the wedding…. it’s good to be sad, shows your kind heart.  I am waaaaay into anger mode, no pity.  Sadness will keep your heart soft and open and fully alive.

December Foster
March 15 at 9:55pm
Thank you.

Amazingly I got some pathetic response on blackberry messenger, even though he wouldn’t answer his phone.

Me: I’m thinking of coming over and making a scene in front of all your neighbors you lying shitsack.  I’m sure there’s a special spot in hell for you.
Me: I feel sick, how could you hurt me like this? I just don’t understand at all.
Volga: I am truly sorry…
Volga: I am all those things you said.
Nadia: Sorry? You could have let me go so long ago, but you kept me tethered to your life, to be your mistress.
Volga: I am ashamed of myself.
Nadia: But why did you do it?
Volga: I am soooo sorry.
Nadia: I asked about her so long ago and you accused me of being crazy, like every other girl.
Nadia: You asked her to marry you? When were you going to tell me?
Volga: I was ashamed of myself.
Nadia: But why did you say you loved me?
Volga: I am a worthless hollow person.
Nadia: You don’t know what love it, and never will.
Volga: As I said, I sit here worthless… Realizing that I have hurt two souls… Which I didn’t want to do.
Volga: You have every right to be angry at me.
Volga: I deserve not even to be an animal.
Volga: I am ashamed.
Nadia: When did you realize that you didn’t want to hurt us, because it’s been YEARS of lies.
Volga: Truly ashamed.
Nadia: Why weren’t you ashamed before getting caught?
Nadia: You denied it right to the last second.
Nadia: Who are you? I never knew you, if there is anyone in there worth knowing.
Volga: You are right.
Volga: I have no response.
Volga: You are right.
Volga: If I had the guts I would jump off the bridge.
Volga: End it all.
Volga: I am a coward.
Nadia: Well for once being a coward will serve you.
Nadia: But what did you think of me? Was I just to make you feel good? Why did you get mad when I wanted to end things? It would have solved everything.
Nadia: Well this is goodbye I guess.
Volga: I am a worthless piece of shit.
Volga: As I said… if I could take back everything so that no one would get hurt I would.
Volga: And my sentence will be to be able to live with myself.
Volga: Believe me if I could end my life to make things better I would.
Volga: I am sorry.
Volga: I just hope one day you can somehow forgive me.
Nadia: Just hard to believe anything you say.
Volga: Yes you are right… I am a liar and deceiver… and ashamed of it.
Nadia: Well at least it s over now. You’re not really ashamed, you’re just sorry you got caught.
Volga: No I am ashamed to be a human being I am!!!!
Nadia that just doesn’t make any sense. Otherwise you would have ended it with me a long time ago. Did my life mean nothing to you?
Volgav: Even if I said yes of course…. you wouldn’t believe me.   I wouldn’t believe me.
Nadia: Because it’s not true.
Volga: I can’t stand to be me!!!!
Nadia: Why didn’t you just stop?

NO MORE ANSWERS
You know what I notice, despite his threats of suicide, which are so hollow, its all about HIM, how he feels, how he has to live with himself, how sorry he is for himself!!!!  He is the most egocentric person; all his kindness and caring and beautiful words were just a persona to cover the crap beneath.

I’m sure this will be another punch to the gut first thing in the morning; unless you’ve talked to him already then this is just minor.  But I for one want to hear the whole truth now, so if you hear anything please let me know.
Hugs, Nadia

December
March 16 at 7:58am
Nadia I too had just a text conversation with him last night, which I was planning to describe to you this morning, but now I don’t have to because he said exactly the same things to me – in fact, for some of those sentences, I bet he sent the same one to both our addresses – no word of a lie.

And you are so right – now that I can see them written down, they are all about him, he’s “sooooooo sorry”, well he will be.

I told him I wanted some financial compensation to help me since we were technically common-law and he has left me in a lurch, and if he wants his stuff back, he has to wait for the cheque to clear, and then he can SEND someone to get it.

Is it really possible he is some kind of psychopath?  This is so devastating.   I had a very bad sleep last night and today sucks too.

December
March 16 at 8:07am
Oh and it looks like I got an email last night.

Nadia
March 16 at 8:16am
It is very possible he is a psychopath.  A psychopath doesn’t usually kill people, it’s in the way they live their life and treat people.  All about them, even though they appear to be so charming and kind, and everyone loves them, until shit starts unraveling.  Maybe his family had enough of his shit?

Good for you for demanding some compensation.  It is only right; yes you were in fact common-law.   You are entitled to it.

It’s just amazing he couldn’t answer WHY, why he didn’t stop, what made him do this, just pathetic apologies.

OMG I am worried that I won’t eat… I better make myself but I feel constantly sick to my stomach.

What did the email say?

December
March 16 at 8:28am
Well like I said the text messages were exactly the same as yours…. vague non-answers (which, incidentally, he is notorious for and it was one of the things that made me wonder about him all these years – I could never get a straight answer about anything which I’m willing to bet you understand completely)

But here’s his email:

December….

I am truly sorry…. you have every right to feel angry at me…. And I can understand if you don’t every want to speak to me. Yes I am ashamed for losing your and your families respect…worse yet losing respect for myself…. Honestly I never every wanted to be like this…. As incredible you might think it is…. I still love you and will always love you and always wanted to be with you for ever. Yes I have ruined it for both of us and I am sorry. I just wish there is a way to easy way to ease your pain…. I got myself in to a mess that I didn’t know how to get out from with out causing pain for every one and with out showing how ashamed I was…

You are right I sit here empty and worthless now…. With incredible regrets and sadness which I will never forget for the rest of my life… Many years ago, I had made a pact with God that I broke, because after last time I had a broken heart that I made a promise that I would never cause any pain like that to any being in this world… and I did.   If I could give my left arm to take every thing back I would.

V
—————-
He couldn’t get out of it?  Try BREAKING UP WITH one of us you fucking bastard.  You had three years to figure it out – such a crock of shit.

Nadia
March 16 at 8:35am
It’s true, it would have been so EASY to get out of!!!!   I tried to end it so many times, none if it makes any sense.   He is so disgusting to me!!!!

I have to go to school amazingly; I have to do a presentation. I wish I had a support with me all day!!!!  I will be dropping off a tiny pathetic box of things he has given me over the years with a big sign on it:
V MEHMET
Lying cheating scumbag
From your beloved whore

It makes sense now; yes nothing was ever a straight answer.  EVER.

December
March 16 at 8:36am
Its so funny – I mentioned yesterday how my youngest brother has been studying psychopathy – well for the past year or more he has been searching for someone to STUDY – talking about going into prisons in search of subjects – when all along there was a very good candidate hiding – right under our noses!!  One thing I don’t know about psychopaths, do they KNOW they’re psychopaths?  Do they know right from wrong but can’t help themselves?  Or are they pure evil? Doing and not caring?  But if they are incapable of caring, then does that not excuse them from it?

December
March 16 at 8:38am
OMG you are hilarious.  Good luck with that as he is probably at home – you might end up seeing him – which would be good I guess as it would hurt him even more.  Good luck today – you’ll do great – you are fueled by your Mistress Power!!!!!  Summon the energy from deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep within and use it to your advantage.  I will send good vibes.

Me I can’t go out my eyes are too puffy.

Nadia
March 16 at 8:40am
I’m pretty sure they don’t fully realize it, because they have rationalized it so perfectly to themselves, they can never be the ‘bad guy’.  They are just trying to make people happy…. which is what he would have these weird flip outs about, how no one cared about him, how he was doing so much to keep everyone happy… it was alarming.

The power of self-deception is in my mind evil.

He must have the capacity to care, but it just didn’t trump his desire to manipulate and have whatever he wanted and shatter lives doing it.

December
March 16 at 8:41am
OMG he had those flip outs at me ALL THE FREAKING TIME, and anytime I got mad at him for anything he went OFF as this crazy martyr “I do this for you and I did that for you and bla bla bla”

omggggggggggggggg

December
March 16 at 8:42am
It was quite possibly the thing I hated most about him

Nadia
March 16 at 8:43am
Thank you so much, I will reach deep down to the source of who I am, which is always free from this illusion and sadness and anger.  It is everyone’s true nature and the work is to realize it. these experiences are like gifts to do just that, even though people feel sorry for us, and we feel sorry for ourselves, we have the greatest opportunity here to wake up to the purity of existence.

I will be sending good vibes to you today too; all my friends are in awe that 1.  I am coherent and okay and that more so 2. You are coherent and okay!!!  We’ve got strength like nobody’s business!!!  Puffy eyes and trembling hands and all LOL.

December
March 16 at 8:44am
Well no wonder, I thought he was just freaking out because I was demanding his time and he was trying to keep me happy, and he was working TONS and he was trying to please his family – but there was one more person he must have been trying to please – YOU.  How the hell did he manage to keep two women going?????  Gawd, I bet there were times when you told him he HAD better get back to Vancouver, or you threatened to leave, and on my end of the world, he was suddenly anxious to get there saying he had to work or meet with his accountant or something.  OMG.

You know – I think his family is all fucked up – I think they might have made him this way.  He said their feud was about the fact that he was only an engineer and not pursuing more, but that never made sense to me.  And they never wrote back to me, and all he ever seems to want to do is please them… and he can’t.  OMG this is getting creepier every minute.

December
March 16 at 8:47am
Thanks and I know you are so right – I agree with you.  All my life I have have felt that way – that my very BEING is created from all my wacky experiences, and I have had MANY – it is why I am so damn interesting

So I will try to keep that in perspective today – because the growth spurt on this one is going to HAVE to be MASSIVE – OMG we might reach Buddha status!!!

Nadia
March 16 at 8:49am
I don’t know, only an engineer??  Making shitloads of cash?  That rings so false.  I think there’s something deeper but I could never know what it is.

I always joked/accused about having a wife, or another girlfriend, and he said how could he manage 2 he couldn’t even manage one.

Was he laughing to himself the whole time???  I was waaaay to lenient, hardly got any time from him, but tons of messages.  I will never accept crap again!!!  And if they get defensive about things well it’s done.  That was such an obvious sign.

Ok I’m really outta here,
Be strong,
Nadia

December
March 16 at 9:01am
OMG V replied to your post on the soccer forum.
What kind of reply is that though?

Nadia
March 16 at 10:05am
Oh shit its not there anymore? He must have deleted it! What did it say??  Post is still there, small miracle.

I dropped the box off this morning but of course he didn’t answer.

December
March 16 at 10:17am
It just said, in true V-style-bad-spelling “Whose this?”

December
March 16 at 10:18am
Oh no I see duh it was someone else who wrote it – his name is there because it’s the name of the posting – sorry.

December
March 16 at 10:19am
So I hope you don’t mind being in my book.  I can change your name if you want for posterity LOL.  It won’t be coming out for a few years anyways.

Nadia
March 16 at 10:19am
Oh I misunderstood I checked the racing site.  I don’t think that soccer post is his, has another name attached.  I named the thread ‘v MeHMET’ so it looked like that was the author.

People actually voted on the fucking poll I made!

December
March 16 at 10:19am
Do you remember in the first year of your relationship, V having to work in Victoria a lot?

Nadia
March 16 at 11:00am
Yeah…. wow.   Probably all the times he drove to ‘Calgary’ was to Penticton.  I would love to be in your book you can use my name.  I will answer any and all questions when the time comes to write it.

He is messaging me threatening suicide, which is such a crock of shit. I have had manipulative boyfriends do that in the past, in an attempt to be the ‘victim’ and get sympathy.  I told him he was a psychopath, when he actually wrote “Yes I am flawed”.  Have you ever not made any mistakes in your life you wish you could take back?’
I wrote: “A little more than flawed.  You destroyed me year after year.  I have never hurt anyone like that.  It wasn’t a little mistake like you slept with me one drunken night, you led me on to love you for 3 years.  You cold calculating demon….
It isn’t true.  You never loved me.   I was your cocksucker on the side.
V: do you want me to jump of the bridge?  Tell me and I will do it now.  If it will make you both happy.
Nadia: Fuck you are always so sorry for yourself, you always complain that you do everything to keep everyone happy.  You are a psychopath.
….
V: If I am a sick psychopath why should I bother to live?
Nadia: You’ve got a lot of tough questions to ask yourself.
…
V: I will remove myself from the gene pool
Nadia. it won’t make me happy. nothing you can do will ever make me happy. I am destroyed and shattered. how will I ever trust another human being again. you have fucked me up.

BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH it’s all a bit repetitive now.

December
March 16 at 11:13am
omgggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg

December
March 16 at 11:16am
OMG he’s chatting to Nikki now too, and he’s lying to her about dates etc, and trying to blame the whole thing on the Gino situation.
I fell for someone else over a year ago and that was at the same time I tried to break it off with V, he was never here and the relationship just wasn’t working for me. So I met this amazing dude and we really hit it off and in the end after all was said and done the guilt was killing me and V refused to let me go, even though I told him about Gino.

Anyways he has never let me forget it and is trying to convince Nikki that GINO is the reason for his wrong doings can you even believe that?

December
March 16 at 11:18am
Well at least you were sucking his cock cuz I sure wasn’t.

December
March 16 at 11:18am
Fuck I think I’m going to be sick there are some thing I should not think about.

Nadia
March 16 at 11:27am
Sorry that was a horrible image, but I am not surprised he is blaming this on something else.  Classic.

December
March 16 at 11:35am
Me either.

December
March 16 at 11:44am

Well, my little most interesting choice of a new friend, I have to get off my sorry ass and do some errands.  Wish me luck.  I’ve managed to apply enough dark makeup around my eyes that I may be able to fool the world for today.

Please don’t get too caught up in the bullshit – it’s not going to do your soul ANY GOOD.  I know it’s hard to cut him out of your life – he is like a cancerous tumor that is touching each of your vital organs.  Cut gently, but CUT because he is deadly.  Devastating and deadly.  Nothing escapes the wrath of Hurricane V.

Again I’m using humor to quiet my own screaming heart, but it’s really not funny.

Chat soon
D

December
March 16 at 11:46am
Oh, and no- when he said he was going to Victoria, he really was.  I lived in Victoria for the first year of our relationship.  Did you know we met on Lava Life?  We chatted for about a month, and then we were both planning to be in Vegas at the same time and our paths would cross for one night, so we actually met in person for the first time in Las Vegas and it was love at first sight.  That was the end of January 2006.  I thought for sure it was FATE, he was my dream man.

December
March 16 at 1:14pm
I’m back.. after breaking down in front of people I don’t even know.  Lovely.

Nadia
March 16 at 1:32pm
My apparent coping mechanism is just to blurt out the story to every fucking person I interact with.  It’s like I can’t be fake or talk about anything else.   I’m just walking through the halls dazed, thinking “Amazing, AMAZING”.

Even before my presentation I felt like prefacing it with explaining what I was feeling, but I realized that was WAY beyond crazy.  I did a much better job because it was so surreal.  This is like a dream.

You know the first song I heard on the radio this morning was fucking amazing, the new Bif Naked single called SICK, and the refrain YOU MAKE ME FUCKING SICK.  It is my new anthem and it is perfect.  Definitely check that out.  The most incredible creative flood I ever had was after a heartbreak; I don’t know if I’m in the same state though this time.  But maybe some amazing songs will come from this.

December
March 16 at 1:36pm
LOL I’m doing the same thing.  It’s a wild story.
And I totally know what you mean – I wrote, performed and recorded all my best material when I was suffering heartache.  Hey I actually have two songs recorded about V – have you heard them?

December
March 16 at 1:36pm
Do you have decent speakers on your computer?  You can’t listen to these songs with crappy laptop speakers, but headphones would work. www.DecemberPussycat.com (Mama Mama and You Don’t Know Me)

December
March 16 at 1:37pm
All my older songs were about my boyfriend C***** who mind fucked me pretty good too, but I was younger then, it was a lot more difficult to cope and I funneled everything into song.

December
March 16 at 1:38pm
OMG we’re both musicians too?  This is fucked up.

December
March 16 at 1:55pm
LOL I guess you’re not as pathetically glued to your computer as I am.  <sigh>  I am a wretch.

Nadia
March 16 at 1:58pm
I’m a bedroom musician, write songs on guitar for myself really, and share with friends, yeah I wrote him a song too how stupid of me.  Not sure I could listen to your songs about him yet.  When you write any angry heartbroken ones I can listen to those.  My favorite Ani Difranco album (which I should dig up) is Dilated, which she wrote after a bad relationship.  Esp. the title track.  That will get me crying.  Except for a few minutes right when I was finding all this out, I have been unable to cry.  This is so weird for me because I am a bawler.  I use movies to cry my heart out to, and I know that I’m crying for myself when I watch sad love stories.

I can’t eat or cry, and probably without that sleeping pill, wouldn’t have slept.  But I feel so fucking normal, so coherent.  Except for the blurting it out hahahaha.   I think I’ve been in heartache this whole time with him so this is almost a relief.

Nadia
March 16 at 2:00pm
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
I am as pathetically glued to my computer hahahaha absolutely.
I just had to go to a couple classes, and I was on my blackberry the whole time, checking sites hahahaha they took down the post on the racing forum, not surprisingly.

December
March 16 at 2:01pm
It is angry and heartbroken.  I got pregnant really early in our relationship and he wanted me to get rid of it and I refused -  fucking bastard – I should have dumped him right then, I ended up losing at anyways as it was ectopic.  But the song is not a happy one.  I have not been satisfied since the very beginning.  Anyways I’m not gonna push it, let me know if you ever wanna hear it.

December
March 16 at 2:03pm
Yes I feel your pain darling.  I haven’t eaten a thing since a pancake yesterday morning – pre-discovery.
And I did NOT sleep well last night – could you mail me on of those pills?
I can’t stop my fits of heaving and crying, but at the same time, I feel like a huge weight has lifted.  I adored that man – well, actually he made me so mad most of the time I wanted to stab him in the face, but I did adore him in some weird way, yes there was always something in my gut telling me it wasn’t right – and that feeling is GONE, my questions have been answered, my fears, justified.  I AM FREE and so are you.

December
March 16 at 2:04pm
And FYI the song is a mockery of him after he dumped me when I was pregnant I wrote it.  He’s so artistically retarded he thought it was about my mother.  Dumb fucking engineer.

Nadia
March 16 at 2:05pm
Ok thanks, I will definitely get there, but not quite ready yet.
I also was not satisfied since the beginning.
I thought I had let it go after I realized he couldn’t be there for me but obviously he has some weird spell.  This would make such an interesting documentary, paralleling our experiences but trying to get a sense of what was really going in his head.  Because I will never know.

December
March 16 at 2:06pm
Thank God we have each other.  What a fucked up scenario LOL.

Nadia
March 16 at 2:06pm
Hahahahahaha he IS SO ARTISTICALLY retarded.  Another defense mechanism??  He never understood anything!!!!  And always blamed it on being ESL!!! rrrrggggghhhhh

December
March 16 at 2:07pm
I wonder if it’s healthy – us going on like this.  Maybe substituting one addiction for another?  I’m sure its fine.   I’m happy you are here with me.  Of all the people in the world it could have been, I’m glad it was you.

Is that weird? LOL

December
March 16 at 2:08pm
OMG he used that ESL line on me all the time.  God Nadia he said all the same things to both of us… was anything original?  Just for you?  Just for me? <another sigh> (that was a big one.)

December
March 16 at 2:13pm
The saddest thing is, I miss him SO MUCH.  Our lives were much intertwined, he told you he was away working I guess, but he actually STOPPED traveling for work about six months ago and has been working from our home office.

Fuck I can’t seem to wrap my head around the fact that he’s not who I thought he was – it’s too hard.  I miss him, but I miss someone who does not exist!  He was not real.  Yet I spent every day with him…. but he’s gone, I don’t know what to do.

Nadia
March 16 at 2:14pm
Thank you I am sitting in a computer lab, and I just laughed so hard, actual tears came to my eyes, its not even funny that neither of us can eat, but its so fucking true that it IS funny!

I honestly think he had real love for you, he let people see it.  He never really let people see me and him together except select douche bags.  I’m sure I got more of the ‘lines’ than you did.  I started recognizing that he had lines when he said to my friend, ‘you give me faith in humanity again, blah blah blah’ and I was like ‘whoa, you just spring that shit on anyone you meet?  I thought that meant something!’
I bet if I told you anything he said to me you could match it to a line.  But I know I was the thing on the side.

December
March 16 at 2:15pm
Well regardless of our rankings and place in his life, we are both equal now.

December
March 16 at 2:17pm
And I know it must be hard for you to admit such things – I want you to know I appreciate how hard it must be and I thank you for it.

Nadia
March 16 at 2:17pm
Oh. My. God.  He was working from home.  His lies to me were monstrously huge.  Incredible!!!!!!

Well I think this communication is definitely healing for me.  Maybe we should stay away from the details now because we figured out that its all lies.  Well for me it was ALL LIES.   I don’t miss that at all.

December
March 16 at 2:18pm
Yeah I guess that’s what I was wondering, if maybe we shouldn’t get TOO deep into details.  In many ways this is therapeutic for me BIG TIME, but it is also really weird.

Nadia
March 16 at 2:22pm
I agree.  I can’t express how much of a fool I feel like.  Such a fool.  Yeah the details have served their purpose LOL
now we can know that the other is here to lean on.  I think I seriously will do a couple sessions of therapy.  Maybe I’ll cry there.  WOW.
Let’s just take it day by day.  Doesn’t matter how many days it takes, one day things will look better.

December
March 16 at 2:24pm
Ya and is it ok that every time I see that teeny tiny little “number one” at the top of the facebook page it makes me feel good? ha ha

I’m a sick woman.  I’m glad we are in agreeance.  And you can tell me anything – every little pang of pain and heartache that I get from hearing your words, heals me that much faster.  And I don’t believe in prolonging suffering, I’m one to feel it as much as I can and move swiftly through the levels of grief and come out the other side a strong person.  So the faster I can get this over with without missing any steps, the better -

December
March 16 at 2:24pm
And you are not a fool.  Because if you are a fool, then I am a fool.

Are you calling me a fool, bitch???????

Nadia
March 16 at 2:29pm
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA you wanna go??  LOL
catfight: ON.

Oooooooooooooohhhh man, I feel better.

December
March 16 at 2:30pm
LOL me too.  I’m eating something.  Thank you.
Go eat.

December
March 16 at 2:34pm
It will be interesting to see (flash forward into the future) why you and I have been brought together so forcefully in this crazy thing called life.  There must be some crazy purpose!!!!

Nadia
March 16 at 2:39pm
Ok last message, you’re right, seeing that little ‘one’ up there is incredibly comforting.  WEIRD!!!!!!  Hahahahahaha
and I definitely believe in a purpose for everything.  Meaning in everything, so in that light, this is not a loss.

Ok I will try to eat that dry banana muffin in my purse!!  Oh God no.  Maybe a martini and a smoothie.  M aybe a bellini.

LOL, ok you too, try to eat, whatever you can manage. I might be living off of fruit and ice cream for awhile LOL.

December
March 16 at 2:42pm
Take care.  I’ll see you again soon I’m sure.  D

December
March 16 at 5:21pm
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

Nadia
March 16 at 8:54pm
I fuuuuuuuuuuuuucccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkking hear ya.
My mum just fed me drinks so I could eat something.

Thank God I just had a multi-hour dinner with family and a good friend, and this is all we talked about the whole time.  I can’t think about anything else.  So do you have any offers to go hurt him?  My brother will return from SE Asia soon, he might do it.

My stomach just drops randomly every so often.  But so be it.  Allllllllllll my friends were right.

Or sell this story?

December
March 16 at 9:00pm
LOL I have had several offers LOL.
And I have been texting with him for the past hour – he went from the usual shit show of lame apologies, to actually blaming me – saying it was partly my fault because our relationship wasn’t always perfect.  He said I pushed him away and he felt unloved and unwanted so he started looking at other girls and then found you – which is bullshit if you’ve been with him for 3 years because we didn’t start having problems until much later.

Than he made a point of saying he stayed with you because you are kind and always peaceful and happy.

That hurt.  I think he was trying to hurt me.

Then he went off about how much he misses the dogs.

He ran every gamut of emotions…. ending with ASS HOLE.  And he has actually gotten under my skin.  I don’t think I should communicate with him anymore…. but letting go is so hard.

I’m so devastated and lonely, I don’t know WHAT to do.  He told me I could have all his stuff and do what I want with it – another martyr guilt trip – I need to find the deed for his bike.  He always over dramatizes everything though to get a rise out of me, and then when I call his bluff he changes his tune.

I’m glad you’re back   I was so lonely I txt’d him to get some conversation going!!  LAME!!!!

D

Nadia
March 16 at 9:00pm
Oh I know that I won’t be able to empathize with everything you’re going through….. you had so much more built up together.  I am so full of hate it’s not even funny.  This is exactly what I need to get over him.  You will find a way to hate (hahaha as if that’s a good thing).

December
March 16 at 9:03pm
Yes I need to stop sympathizing and empathizing and feeling his pain and trying to understand the whole thing and just get MAD.  But how????????????????????  I’m a nice person!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Help me, oh Goddess of Rage!!!

December
March 16 at 9:04pm
Fuck maybe I just need to BUCK UP.  I’m good at bucking up, I just want to make sure I pay adequate homage to my emotions.

Nadia
March 16 at 9:08pm
Eeeeeeeeee SCARY can you enlist one of your friends to come camp out with you?  I can’t be alone that’s for sure.  After the texting did it help take away the kind feelings?  BURN THAT BIKE.

Burn everything.

No offers on the violence?

Nadia
March 16 at 9:10pm
Yeah, no need to fake being okay, its no good.  I need to go through all the rage first and I think forgiveness is down the road, but that doesn’t mean condone or contact.  Whatever happens, it won’t be resolved in the next few days, and this will have to have its own fucking timeline.

December
March 16 at 9:11pm
Yes I’ve had many offers!!!!!!  And you can’t be alone???  I’m jealous you have some company.  It’s really hard for me to be alone with this but I tend to want to hide when I’m in pain.  It’s hard for me to let people see me suffer.  So I sit here alone instead wishing this wasn’t happening and drinking red wine.  Probably not the best combo ha ha.

I should burn the bike, huh.  What about all his nice clothes…there’s like 8 garbage bags full LOL NICE STUFF TOO… I just don’t think I have it in me to destroy all those things.  Or even give them to the Sally Anne.   Fuck.

Nadia
March 16 at 9:11pm
And that’s so awesome you don’t want to talk to anyone in person.  I’m getting pissed at all the texts and calls… can’t people understand I don’t want to rehash it for entertainment every five minutes unless you’re a stranger LOL.

December
March 16 at 9:11pm
Plus I have 8 cats and two dogs so I’m not REALLY alone.

December
March 16 at 9:12pm
LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

December
March 16 at 9:13pm
I hear ya LOL!!!!

Nadia
March 16 at 9:14pm
True, my dog is majorly picking up on this.  I find just the company of one man hating friend is just right.  No groups, no looky-loos, just one old friend who will help you figure out ways to cause him pain.  Well that works for me.  And of course music, blaring the angriest music is beyond wonderful.
But I’m lucky that the communication is over.  That’s the first step.

December
March 16 at 9:16pm
Did you actually say you were never going to talk to him again or you just aren’t?

Nadia
March 16 at 9:16pm
And really?  No ability to give away the clothes?  What about physically handing a bag to a bum?  Might be more satisfying than a faceless clothing drop box.

December
March 16 at 9:17pm
LOL I still feel bad – see how nice I am?  That motherfucker.

December
March 16 at 9:18pm
Funny my dog London is picking up on it too she has been SO SWEET to me all day.

December
March 16 at 9:19pm
Let’s just wait and see if the cheque clears before I throw anything out.
I might need leverage.
I’m trying to see the positive in all this – I have a lot of brand new stuff in here that now belongs to me … like furniture and electronics etc

meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!

December
March 16 at 9:19pm
I’m quite a catch.

December
March 16 at 9:22pm
I think you and me are very similar…. my parents are my confidants through all of this as well.  Funny that two girls with such close, loving families fell for a man who doesn’t seem to have that with his own family.

Nadia
March 16 at 9:22pm
Hahahaha that IS a sweet consolation prize.  I said goodbye but there was some pathetic messages from him after and angry texts from me, so now it will just be no more answers if I get any messages, which I don’t expect to.

December
March 16 at 9:23pm
I’m proud of you – and jealous that you are able to close him off.
It will take every ounce of strength that I have inside me to do it, and I have to as well.

December
March 16 at 9:25pm
What kind of doggy do you have?

Nadia
March 16 at 9:26pm
Yes, it is doubtless necessary to cut it off, or our heads will implode.  That IS crazy all the similarities!!!  That’s fucked what he said to you about me.  He is unreal, so heartless!  I was a pawn?!?!  Yes, yes I was.  Wow.

Nadia
March 16 at 9:28pm
I’ve got the sweetest girl ever, border collie, with German shepherd.  She has ligament problems but is only four.

Yeah I came to realize the role I played.  It was just affection and adoration on tap.

December
March 16 at 9:30pm
No I think he is full of shit when he says stuff like that.  Honestly I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT ANYTHING MEANS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You know what – I’ve been married, and it was very painful when he moved out, so I’m no stranger to this feeling.  BUT V was always coming and going so much that it became normal, and I can’t seem to explain to my brain that he’s actually gone for ever and NEVER COMING back because my brain is so used to being alone and waiting for him.

It’s weird to be in this house (which Is MINE not his by the way woo hoo) and try to realize I live here alone.

December
March 16 at 9:30pm
But I can see you will move on faster than me and I certainly don’t want to hold you back from moving forward, so maybe I should stop talking to you about all this shit???

December
March 16 at 9:31pm
OMG my London is also part border collie and shepherd.  She looks mostly like a black lab though.  So weird.

December
March 16 at 9:34pm
Weird I’m starting to feel harsh pangs of ….. Jealousy?  Gawd that’s the worst emotion fer sher.  I guess I should just shut it off.

Nadia
March 16 at 9:35pm
Oh nonononono I will move on in the right time and you will move on in the right time, but it won’t be overnight.
I figured the house was yours, all his money in the condo… did he really lose a lot of stocks in Nortel?

December
March 16 at 9:36pm
Apparantly.  He was supposed to fix that condo up and rent it out two years ago but he would never get it done… now I know why he didn’t want to give it up.

Nadia
March 16 at 9:37pm
What do you feel jealous of?  Whatever comes up, we can’t repress it.  But let me tell you there’s nothing to be jealous of here.

December
March 16 at 9:41pm
Everything was a lie.  Gaaaaaaaaaaaaawd I feel like dying!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  You know, it has been a helluva few years for me….I lost my best friend, I’ve had a divorce, five miscarriages and two ectopic pregnancies and I’ve had to face the possibility that I might not get to have children which I want more than anything, then my brother and his wife gave birth to twins, which was very hard on me, I’ve had half my thyroid removed, and now THIS – and right when we were supposed to be trying to make a baby.

You know I went through SO MUCH to heal my body from all the miscarriages and emotional pain, I was seeing naturopaths and reflexologists and quit smoking and did SO MUCH and all of a sudden V couldn’t have sex with me anymore.  Said he had developed some kind of sex problem….

He said it was MY fault because I had stopped having sex with him for a few months after the last miscarriage because I was so messed up over it.  But I KNEW in my gut he was lying – he didn’t want to get me pregnant I KNEW IT.  He didn’t have a sex problem when you saw him two weeks ago, did he?  NO ….. MOTHERFUCKER!!!

Oooooh… am I starting to get mad??? woo wee!

Nadia
March 16 at 9:41pm
I’m just walking my friend to the bus stop.

Nadia
March 16 at 9:44pm
GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FEEL THAT FUCKIN’ ANGER TOWARD THAT MOTHERFUCKER
He is lower than a snake.
Holy shit.
You have been through so much.  But now you can finally do something healing and clear the real toxin from your life. HIM.

December
March 16 at 9:55pm
Yes ma’am I think you are right.  I’m free from the poison….. I can find someone who stimulates me and inspires to create art!!!  Not stifles me and curbs my joy at every turn.  And you no longer have to wait………. wait………. wait for him to come home either.  Our days of waiting are so over!!!

December
March 16 at 9:55pm
And I like snakes… could you please find another metaphor?
Thanks babe.

December
March 16 at 9:59pm
OMG our days of Waiting for V are OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OMG you have no idea – that’s all I ever did was WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!
Wait for him to call, wait for him to come home, wait for him to want the same things as me, wait for him to take a shower, OMG NO MORE WAITING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

December
March 16 at 10:09pm
You know Nadia, you’re quite a bit younger than me so I feel entitled to offer you a pearl of wisdom LOL.

I don’t know how many painful breakups you have been through, but I’m willing to bet you already know what I’m about to tell you – I think you are wise beyond your years.

Nothing empowers me more than a good old super duper painful breakup OMG.  When my husband and I split, I dropped 20 lbs in like a DAY, became so hot and oozing in sex appeal that men were powerless to resist me LOL, and my true gorgeous inner power was set free and I rocked this world.  I HAD THE KAVORKA IM NOT KIDDING.  You know what that is?  Kramer had it – it’s the ‘Lure of the Animal’.

And I have a feeling it will be the same this time around.  I think the energy and joy that he has sucked from us will flow back in, replenish our souls until they are once again overflowing with radiant light and beauty – in fact, I KNOW IT WILL.  You’ll see.

Nadia
March 16 at 10:37pm
You’re right, it’s like the wait is finally over.  That’s the feeling of relief.
Haha I nixed the ‘dog’ metaphor, caught myself using that one out of convenience but it always felt wrong.  And the snake one did too.  I was trying to think of something ‘lower than an animal’ but those words are right out of the devils mouth.

I know that the light within that was getting caught up in this shit is now free to pour out, but I’m so not ready to trust another dude.  I’ve been in love with my friend for the whole time but chose V over something real.  Wow.  Now I can’t go crawling to him, and say, oh now I’m free, let’s be together.  Oh barf.  I need to do some major healing.

Since that is not an avenue I will be able to go down, I think I will channel all of this growth into insight and awareness.  I will rededicate a meditation practice and make sure I only keep good company.

My last relationship was fucked in the sense that we started out in an ‘open’ relationship which I did not practice.  That nearly did me in, but the added infidelity after a promise to be monogamous did.

Before that it was a super way to old for me guy, who I actually never wanted to be with but found myself passively living with him, and getting pregnant by him.  When I ended the relationship with no room to argue he went apeshit and stalked me.

And there’s a couple more doozies before that.  So I’m really doubting my ability to pick a guy.  Maybe I should dedicate myself to God LOL.

December
March 16 at 10:41pm
OMG you have the same taste in men as me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ROFL

December
March 16 at 10:49pm
LOL I think you are so right – its time to channel all of this into goodness.  I do a lot of volunteer work and animal rescue, in fact most of my cats are special needs ha ha mentally retarded or physically handicapped.
I like to help and heal.  Maybe I (and you) should focus on THAT kind of goodness and healing – very smart.  It gives back like nothing else can.  And energy healing and meditation of course is included in that.

I really don’t know how to trust a man either after all the times I’ve been screwed over.  V was the first man I really allowed myself to trust – even though he was gone a lot of the time I was still somehow able to do it!  A lot of good THAT did me, but at least I know it’s possible.  And it will be for you too.  You are super spiritual like me and you have to remember that no matter what occurs, you can NEVER close down. Always remain open… at any cost.  What have we got to lose anyways?  At this point we have seen it all!

See I believe that all of these relationships are priming me (and you) for the ONE who is coming (soon I hope).

I had a CRAZY awakening about a year ago – an angel was sent to me in the form of a very special man – with a message to give me- that V was not the one for me, and I had to lose the luggage to get ready for THE ONE.  But I couldn’t do it…..

and then we got engaged and I got preggers… and bla bla bla.

But it always nagged at me… which is why on Saturday night I prayed to God PLEASE PEASE PLEASE send me an unmistakable, undeniable sign about what to do – and I woke up the next morning and there was the email from you.

So I know that my life is about to begin.  I’ve seen the signs!!

December
March 16 at 10:50pm
OMG ok I know what expression we should use – “lower than a scumbag Turk!” that’s waaaaaaaaay lower than a snake or a dog LOL.

Nadia
March 16 at 10:59pm
hahahahahahahahah ok it’s officially coined!

Wow that is so incredible the synchronicity of it all in your story.  For me, people don’t understand WHY I decided at that point to search around, funny, I was just part of the bigger plan!

I have been meditating for a long time, and gradually loosening my identity as a ‘person’ in a ‘shitty relationship’ LOL and to really experience the depth of my existence.  It depends on ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.  That is the crux.  Even if I don’t know it, its still okay, because it is still who and what I am- pure freedom, pure awareness, pure LIFE.  And that is not my story.  That is the story of every human being who believes they are a ‘situation’ as my guru said to me hahahaha.

Amazing I have been remembering all the dreams I had, where I saw V’s wife, or would ask him if he could marry me and he would say no.  It couldn’t have been clearer to my deeper awareness, and yours by the sound of it too!  We are pretty staunchly devoted kind people hahahaha I remember the point where I conscientiously decided to trust V, and told him about that.  But yet it was just taking that voice and trying to drown it.  That can’t be trust!!!

And yes the ONE will be doubtless.  I am waiting for the true doubtless state.  Whether that includes a guy or not.

December
March 16 at 11:01pm
OMG can you imagine what a beautiful state that would be.
I’ve often thought I was incapable of experiencing that state, but it always turns out I am just with the wrong people!

I know it will happen though – I just know.

December
March 16 at 11:05pm
OMG I’ve been saving all our convo’s – just so I have something to refer back to when I write the book… its pretty crazy shit we’ve got going on here.
Wouldn’t that be super weird to copy the entire thing and send it to Fuckhead?  Just a weird thought I had.  LOL I don’t know that it would serve any purpose but it sure would trip him right the fuck out if his lame ass ESL brain can even read it.

But maybe it’s better not to look back… might turn into a pillar of salt.

Nadia
March 16 at 11:05pm
I know it will happen too.  I think much of my ‘problem’ has been seeing the best in people.  Which is an interesting paradox in what you say above, about staying open.  If I had to choose one word to describe myself, that would be it!  Open!!  But I fear it is my downfall??

I let everyone in, I think I just need to develop better discernment.  Openness but awareness.  It can be done!!!!

Hahaha I feel guilty for ignoring all the texts checking in on me and asking details.  It’s bloody ridiculous.

December
March 16 at 11:06pm
Huh?  You’re getting inquiries from your peeps?

Nadia
March 16 at 11:06pm
Interesting, interesting…. I never thought about that…. so tempting you’re right… but I’m betting its something to sleep on anyway!

December
March 16 at 11:07pm
You are so wise LOL.
Please include me in your next meditation IF YOU ARE ABLE, I need all the good energy I can get, and I will do the same for you.

Nadia
March 16 at 11:08pm
Yeah my friends, who I love, but I send out a few holy shit my life has just had a bomb dropped on it texts briefly explaining, but that didn’t mean I wanted to get into all the details with each and every person.  Even good good friends.  So they’re all worried and want updates but I can’t even look at my phone LOL.

Nadia
March 16 at 11:08pm
My phone was my relationship LOL I think I need a new one.  That one is named V.

December
March 16 at 11:09pm
Oh dear LOL.

December
March 16 at 11:09pm
LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OMG same here, I think that’s why I cant get off my computer or leave my phone in the other room…. I’m addicted to my V too!!!!!!!!!!!!

December
March 16 at 11:10pm
You know sometimes I would sit in the living room and he would sit in the office and we would msn.
That’s fucking sick LOL.

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawd I hope I don’t carry his flaws into the next relationship.

Nadia
March 16 at 11:13pm
Hahahahaha I am going to do a smudge ceremony with sage to clear this stuff symbolically.  Burn it away.  Send it to God which will recharge it with goodness again.  I am starting to hallucinate and wonder if I am starting to sound like I am hallucinating LOL.

December
March 16 at 11:14pm
LOL no you sound fine.

December
March 16 at 11:14pm
LOL

December
March 16 at 11:15pm
Your excellent sense of humor was totally wasted on him you know – as was mine.  He never seemed to ‘get it’ the way most people do.  It really started to irritate me.  Not sure if you noticed that or not.

Nadia
March 16 at 11:20pm
He would only really notice it when I got ‘spunky’ I cant think of a better word that one of the Golden Girls might not have used, but when I would start really harshing on him in humor then he would take notice.  He was just that egocentric!

I have been trying to think of a Facebook status for so long, like 14 hours hahahaha.

Did I tell you the other similarity: I look after a girl (woman) with fragile x which is a developmental disability, and we are super tight, have been caring for her for ten years.  SO EERIE eh.  I am over at her house tomorrow right after school… I am going to be away from the computer!  This will be hard!

Nadia
March 16 at 11:21pm
Fucking George Strombolopolous is on my TV and I will never be able to look at him again.

December
March 16 at 11:21pm
Well, Sex and the City is almost over and I think I’m going to attempt SLEEP.
I’m going to try not to spend my entire day on the computer tomorrow… TRY being the operative word… but I should do some yoga and take my doglets to the beach….

But if you need me, please feel free to txt me at any time 250.488.****

You know I will be happy to get a message from you.

Sleep well and remember all those wonderful things you told me about being free.  Thank you for everything.  I appreciate you.

d

December
March 16 at 11:22pm
OMG V never shut UP about that fucking George Strombolopolous experience on the plane when the stewardesses thought he WAS George.
He was SO PROUD OF IT.
omgggggggggg

December
March 16 at 11:23pm
OMG we are trippy you and me.
Nikki (the girl I used to take care of)  has Osteogenesis Imperfecta.
It’s eerie – YOU AND ME SO EERIE WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Nadia
March 16 at 11:24pm
Hugs to you too, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate this.
Feel free to text me at any time too, even just to say Fuuuuuuuuuuuck.
604 999 ****

Second day of being free from this, yet you are right, our whole life has always been free.  DAY TWO BITCHES!!!!!!

Goodnight and I hope you have some good dreams or at least no dreams.
Nadia

December
March 16 at 11:26pm
LOL night night you dream well too.  And put my number in your phone LOL.
D

December
March 16 at 11:29pm
LOL how would this work as your slogan:

“Nothin’ says lovin’ like a Turkey in the oven”.

Night night

Nadia
March 16 at 11:31pm
Roast that turkey LOL.

Night night, number in, crazy eh!

Today is not a good day – I did not sleep well at all, in fact I had to practice some yoga breathing just to get my heart rate to go down every time I woke up in the night so I could get some rest.

My eyes look SO GROSS.

I prayed for your wellness last night though… and well, we both know how well my prayers work!

Have a good day and I will be thinking of you.

December

Nadia
March 17 at 8:11am
Hey December, I will be sending all the strength I can muster to you today too…. I seem to be compartmentalizing this, as I come to the realization that I was duped by a con artist, a man without conscience.  And to know that it is only better without him!!!  Even though the body doesn’t realize it yet, still sick.

Your prayers must be powerful; I am definitely feeling them.

Today doesn’t have to be a good day, it can be the shittiest day ever, it just means you’re really doing this fully.  Not like guys who will have to have this shit haunt them for years.

It’s only day 3!!!!

I’m still angry, I still wish he could be punished as publicly and brutally as possible.  It sucks that we are the fallout from this mess.

Nadia
March 17 at 8:14am
This is a note from a dear and wise friend and it really is for both of us:

WOW!  Lol…..talk about living a Mayaa, more for him than you!  Amazing how he could live like that with two people he loved.  That just blows my mind!  It really reveals to you the person that he is as well as the tuned in person that you are. You’ve felt this for such a long time but just could not confirm it.
I know this is a trying time for you, but I am also very proud of you because the real you is being revealed.

The real person is free from this!

December
March 17 at 8:27am
Thank you.  I am having the MOST DIFFICULT TIME today but I know that means I am reaching the peak of pain, and from there it is always a downhill glide.

I’m scared of being 35 and childless and alone.  So scared.

Nadia
March 17 at 8:37am
Fuck, Halle Berry dated cheaters and womanizers til she was 40 then met ‘the one’ and had her first child!  It is scary, I was comforting myself amazingly enough in that relationship that at least I’d found the person I was going to be with.  Wow again, I was possibly the stupidest woman alive. Well maybe not stupider than Rhianna.  Anyway, the fear is real and it is every woman’s fear.  But you can still have a family, without a scumbag for a father.

My mum was 34 when she had me with my dad who was 51, and 37 when she had my brother.  Maybe we stayed with Volga in large part to ease the fear of facing the future alone.  Although I was really alone, who am I kidding.  I was living in a dream.  That is what is helping me now.

My first tattoo even says ‘dream’ lol maybe maybe hopefully hopefully this is the end of that karma, doubt it, but i can hope!
That’s the fear that so many women bring to my guru in India, the fear of being alone and wanting children so bad.  If I can find an audio clip to send, I swear if you can understand his accent it could be really helpful.  Not even death is real, everything else is just a ripple in the illusion!  The only thing that is real is the power that is making you breath, which you are totally tuned into!  Your powerful perception and knowing qualities.  All the pain and fear will wash over us, I promise.

December
March 17 at 8:51am
Iknow you are right.  And thanks for the info.  I too think that maybe I overlooked a lot:

a. Because he is so fucking GORGEOUS and

b. Because he was so good to me when he was around that I actually thought I would put up with all the other stuff and

c. Because, same as you, I thought I had found MY PERSON and I also thought that maybe I was over-reacting, wanting and needing too much, being unreasonable.  I was trying to be a better person….. but like you, I was being tricked.

And I know better too – I know I deserve and CAN HAVE anything and everything I want and need to be happy.

One night I was staying over at my Gramma’s house….. (I would go there and help her clean and stuff…..)
And she told me this story of how she met her darling beau of eight years, Dougie.

After my Granddad had died in 1980 she led a very lonely, sad life, with only 2 significant but yucky love relationships.
After they were over, she was very lonely….and decided to say a prayer to God, to send her a man.

She laid in bed that night and prayed very specifically for the exact type of man she hoped God would send her.

Let him be a good dancer,
Let him be a non-smoker,
Let him be a casual drinker only,
Let him love animals……..on and on and on……….

Well, not two weeks later, she met Dougie.  He was everything she had prayed for right down to the letter….EXCEPT:
She suddenly realized she had forgotten to ask God to make him TALL.  Dougie is a very short man.

So I heard this…and I thought WHAT THE HELL?  I believe in God.
I don’t necessarily believe in asking for such minor little details…but I’ll give it a whirl.

As I laid in bed that night….I asked God for MY man to come:

Let him like to have fun,
Let him be loyal,
Let him be truthful,
Let him love cats,
Let him have patience,
Let him be understanding of women,
Let him be single,
Let him like my cooking….

I went on and on for about half an hour with all the selfish little details of my dream man.

Well I shit you not, about two weeks later I met my Dustin.  And he was every single freaking detail I had prayed for……and I realized:

I HAD FORGOTTEN TO ASK GOD TO MAKE HIM RIGHT FOR ME.

Anyways, after that I was VERY CAREFUL not to leave out a single detail when I prayed for the right man to come along.  I never missed a thing.  And along came Volga, and he was perfect.  Everything i had EVER DREAMED ABOUT.

Only now do I see I forgot to ask God to make sure he had a SOUL.

SO LESSON LEARNED??????

Stop praying for all the qualities you think you want, and just let God’s plan happen.  He’s making a mockery of me to teach me that I am a control freak and if i just chill out and let him take the reigns, everything will be perfect.  Whoa that was a long email.

D

Nadia
March 17 at 9:09am
Whoa is this a literal story or just an incredible parable that you penned?  Wow that’s brilliant.

I also believe in God, but not as separate from anything… I think this was all God’s play, the play of light and shadow.  Always inviting us to know the source of the light and not believe the shadows as real.

It was always such a paradox for me, loving this person who had no real sense of the real me that was beyond all the stories.  He wanted me to be only a story, a balm.  Without him things can finally start moving!

I am going to totally re-evaluate what I’m looking for in a guy.  No more charming.  No more love at first sight.  No more torture in the form of teasing.  No more indirect answers.  HAHA sounds like I am making a list for god too, but in negatives!

December
March 17 at 9:17am
No its a literal story, its how I met my husband, and then Volga.
I just sent an email to Gary.

And omg you are so right – NO MORE TORTURE in the form of teasing, that was the worst.  And no more indirect answers omg.

December
March 17 at 9:17am
Gary,

How could you have been in the know for three long years that Volga was fucking over two women?
You have “befriended” both of us and you know that we are both kind-hearted, and loving people.
It’s not your fault that he has done this, but you should be ashamed of yourself that you never told either one of us.
You stayed in my house when you came to Penticton!

Have you any idea what kind of pain this has caused Nadia and myself, and my entire family who, for three years have ADORED that man and treated him like their own son?
I am completely devastated! And the “affair” itself is not the most painful part – it is thinking I actually knew him, deeply and intimately for three fucking years, only to find out he is a completely different person then he pretended to be.  Do you have any idea of the psychological damage this is causing me?

He had everybody fooled.
It is my belief that no normal human is capable of carrying on such a constant string of never ending LIES and BETRAYALS unless they are some kind of psychopath or sociopath.
There are many other characteristics of Volga that also point to this profile.  He is a master of illusion and deceit, pretending to be everybody’s friend and living a completely separate life behind all their backs.  He does not seem to feel empathy or sympathy or care about how he is hurting people.  He is egocentrical.  Even now, when asked WHY he did it, all he can do is make empty suicide threats and talk about what an asshole HE is.  He has no concept of how deeply he has wounded our souls.  Everything is about HIM, to this very day.  And he is trying to pretend he is sorry for what he did, but he’s only sorry he got caught.  He claims he could not find a way out of the mess, well THATS A LIE.  Both of us gave him plenty of chances to be free, Nadia tried to leave him many times and like me, he would not let her go.  For THREE years he kept this going.  He has even gone as far as to try and blame it on ME, saying our relationship wasn’t perfect and I pushed him away.  Are you fucking kidding me??????

Maybe you think this is funny?  Maybe you think he is clever to have pulled it off for so long?  You hung out with them all the time and yet you knew I was here, his fiancee, LIVING with him in a house with pets and family close by.  How could you not tell us?

I hope you are ashamed of yourself and I wanted you to know what a mess he has made and to beware of anything that comes out of his mouth.  If he can sit here and look us in the eye and tell us he loves us and then go away and do the exact same thing to another for THREE YEARS, who knows WHAT he is capable of.

December

December
March 17 at 9:21am
Oh and i sent an email to Volga earlier on and just got a reply.  This is my therapy, expressing my feelings in writing, it always has been. But now I feel sorry for the bastard.  When will i learn???
———————
I’m trying to realize what you are – a con man with no conscience.

It is the hardest thing I think I have ever had to do.  The Volga I know is caring and considerate and loving and attentive and loyal, and you are nothing like him.

And yet I knew him for three years, and so did Nadia.  THREE YEARS you faked your entire personality.

The Volga I loved was only an illusion.  Why do you put on such brutal illusions?  Do you have ANY IDEA of the level of pain you have caused us?

Of the lives you have destroyed in your wake?  It’s catastrophic.

But I guess you would not be able to fathom that kind of emotion, because you are void of feeling.  No human with feeling in his heart could hurt people as callously as you have done.

And to top it off, we get nothing but lies lies and more lies.  Everything you have ever said has been a lie.

I am having the most difficult time in the world wrapping my head around trying to separate the Volga I knew and loved, and the one who has smashed my heart and mind into a million fragments.   It’s not so much the cheating that hurts, I think if you had just had some love affair it would at least make SENSE, but this is not some love affair. This is three years of deceit and lie upon lie and brutal, callous BETRAYAL.  You are not normal.

Again, I implore you to seek counsel, because you are not a well person.  You faked an entire life with me.  Everything was FAKE.

Do you have any idea how difficult that is to do?  It’s not human.

Will you ever understand how much this has hurt me?  How much it hurts me RIGHT THIS MINUTE????????????????

It is immeasureable.
—————————————–
December,

I am SORRY!!! I AM SORRY !!! I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!

You can believe what ever you want to believe it will help you deal with what I have done.  But I FU@# KNOW how much it hurts because as I sit here curled up in a ball in sadness and tears.  Realizing what I have done and how much I have hurt every one. Regardless of any excuses, I am all those things you say…. And I find it hard to live with myself…I do … I can’t expect you to believe me now and believe me for every but I am full of regrets and sadness.  If I didn’t give a shit do you think I would try to write to both of you to explain things and apologize?  If I was as you describe I would just walk away and continue my life with our remorse…. But yet I am in tears and locked up in my suite by myself away from any one… because I INCREDIBLY FEAL FU@#$ SAD!!! And GUITY!!! EMBARASSED!!!

I AM SORRY!!!  To be honest I am honestly having a tough time living with myself at the moment… if it helps you deal with this you can take and destroy any of my prized possession in my life…. burnt it destroy it or sell it or what ever…  I will stand in front of me if you want to stab me if that help.
Volga

December
March 17 at 9:28am
I have to take my dog London to work now, she is a St. John Ambulance Therapy Dog and volunteers at the hospital, visiting patients. Its really something.  I’ll be back in a couple hours.

Listen, do me a huge favor, ok?  Don’t EVER give up on Love At First Sight.  Instead, go out right now and pick up Tori Spelling’s book, ‘sTORI Telling’.  Its weird, but her book totally inspired me to believe in REAL LOVE, even after all the shit.  It REALLY LIFTED ME UP and I want you to read it.

See you soon

D

Nadia
March 17 at 9:33am
Omg thank you for sharing those letters.  You fucking rule and I am so proud of us both.  I have to walk into a class, but I am buoyed by the strength and powerful words you have expressed to both.

Nadia
March 17 at 11:59am
I like how he prefaced the last paragraph ‘to be honest…’ hahahahaha am i…. laughing about it??  And his magnanimous offer to destroy his prized possessions!!!  Wow what a martyr!!!!
I will definitely look for Tori Spelling’s book.  I have not been able to read or do any work for school, going to have to force myself soon.

I would send you that email I wrote him but it says all the exact same things, adding that he was just fucking with my life, stopping me from finding something meaningful.  Soulless.  Remorse that comes now is not real remorse for what he’s created here. It’s just self pity.

I had one empowering moment today so far, when I knew I should eat something so I went to the cafeteria and took two little packets of cheddar cheese, and didn’t realize they were so overpriced til she had rung them through.  So I wanted to put one back and she said it was too late she couldn’t void it.  I persisted, but she refused.  So I said ‘I feel forced to buy something I don’t want’ and was just going to pay anyway and then said “No, no I’m not taking it.”  Then she *suddenly* remembered how to void.

This is just a tiny example of this resolve I feel not to get fucked over ever again.  I’ve taken landlords to court and won, I love fighting for what is right.  And this fight will not be with the ‘wrongdoer’ I don’t think, this will be fighting against any power he has left over me.  It resonated so strongly when you wrote about bettering yourself and not being the demanding girlfriend.  I just thought I was too demanding (omg i demanded nothing crazy though) and was trying to better myself as a person by being totally loving and understanding and supportive.  Okay I realize that is not the source of my power, being walked all over.  Now I am going to have very high standards for the way people treat me if they want to be in my life.

December
March 17 at 12:05pm
LOL!!!!!!!!!!  That’s awesome!  and I totally know what you are saying!  I have had people come to or at me wanting something, and when I tell them its not possible, they try to do their Jedi mind tricks on me and force my hand: strong, unfaltering eye contact is one of their weapons, but I’ve learned to recognize it immediately and stand my ground – if that means returning their gaze until it feels sooooooooooo uncomfortable and eventually THEY look away, or not starting to mumble a weak response because they have thrown me off guard, but rather, taking a firm stand, and it usually throws THEM off guard.

How dare those people try to control us?  Don’t they know what we are going through and how powerful that makes us????

Nadia
March 17 at 12:08pm
Omg they have no idea.  All of these people filling this stupid college have no idea the power that is raging inside this person walking with them.

Btw I was just going to ask if you ever read the most hilarious blog in my opinion www.gofugyourself.celebuzz.com so I was going to send you the link, and in going there the first entry I read today was fucking painfully hilarious.  I waste too much time but get so much joy from those writers.

December
March 17 at 12:12pm
Oh cool thanks – I love following the lives of celebrities, and this is funny stuff.

December
March 17 at 12:35pm
So I called his bluff on the whole ‘I can burn all his shit if I want to” routine gaaaaaaaawd and now he’s trying another tactic.
Now he says he’s depositing money into my account, I wonder how much?
And he doesn’t know I already deposited a cheque from him for $3000.

I wonder if it will go through… I know he is $10,000 into his line of credit but I don’t know how deep his line of credit goes.

December
March 17 at 12:42pm
I’m getting my bathroom renovated come hell or high water.

Nadia
March 17 at 1:36pm
I’m glad he’s actually doing it!  On the upside, its a good time to reno, no price gouging anymore (weak smile).
Even though I gave all the ‘stuff’ back I’m so glad I can never give India back, he helped me to get there last year.  So weird, I thought he was supporting my spiritual growth.  Well ironically maybe so, through all this shit.

Are you going to be okay if he comes to get his stuff?  My mum painted an awesome alternative image to the mass assault, just to have a mass presence to shame him.  You could have everyone over just silently supporting you.

December
March 17 at 1:38pm
How did he help you get to India?  Financially you mean?  When and how long were you gone for?

December
March 17 at 1:39pm
He told me Gary had a girlfriend who left and went to India.  Was he lying?  Was it you?

December
March 17 at 1:39pm
God i feel so sick.

Nadia
March 17 at 1:41pm
Yeah financially and setting me up in crazy hotels and a driver, and his dear friend who of course I have written to tell him about this.

This was last jan/feb I was only there a month or so…

December
March 17 at 1:44pm
Wow.  That hurt to hear.  Gawd, this is so insane.

Nadia
March 17 at 1:45pm
Oh no, Gary did have a friend who left for India, that was true.  Ew I listened to that guy talk about his heartache for months!  Yet he didn’t think to stop being complacent in the heartwreck Volga was creating.

December
March 17 at 1:46pm
You mean like THIS YEAR??  Or over a year ago?

December
March 17 at 1:46pm
Fuck I’m just reeling in pain right now.  It’s awful.

December
March 17 at 1:48pm
I’m going to get my hari done and have a tan now.  I have to get sexy again, since I am now officially on the market again GAWD the dating pool here is super weak too.  But then I guess, it only takes one soulmate to make it all work.

December
March 17 at 1:49pm
Hari lol, i meant hair.

Nadia
March 17 at 1:49pm
Ah fuck this is probably best not talked about.  It was last feb not the one we just had.

But if anything maybe it creates the door to hate?  It doesn’t feel right to talk about hate like its a good thing, but fuckin’ hell I sure see a purpose for it here.

December
March 17 at 1:51pm
I just don’t know.

December
March 17 at 1:51pm
Every thing was a lie.  How can this be?

Nadia
March 17 at 1:52pm
Hahahaha yes exactly my thoughts too.  I am forcing myself not to wear the ugly comfy pants all the time, made that mistake yesterday and just felt shitty and ugly LOL.

Nadia
March 17 at 1:56pm
The realizations keep crashing down, for me too, but I can’t argue when I realize it really was all lies to me.  He did it so easily.

December
March 17 at 2:00pm
I gotta go, not feeling well at ALL.  Have a good night at work ok?  Peace
D

Nadia
March 17 at 2:02pm
Thank you, I will try.  I hope this wasn’t the biggest punch in the stomach, oh God.

Nadia
March 17 at 9:37pm
I  hope you are doing alright, I am feeling exhausted and will probably sleep naturally tonight.  The tranquilizers were probably one reason my body felt so weird today.  Like on an acid trip.

I hope you get a better sleep tonight too, your letters to everyone were the crowning moment of the day for sure.
Nadia

December
March 17 at 9:40pm
I have had the absolute WORST day…. but things can only get better right?  I have been stuck dealing with the Psycho Pervert for the last hour as he tries to figure out how to transfer money into my account.
I have a feeling that other cheque I wrote myself will bounce.

I don’t want to talk to him anymore but unfortunately I have to.  All it does is hurt me.  But at the same time, I am addicted to email and messages and it’s hard for me to go without.  I almost prefer talking to him over having no-one to talk to.

Today was really hard, I kept drifting in my mind to certain facts and would get that gut wrenching pain in my belly.  I don’t know how long this torture will go on.  I hope not for long.

I hope your day was better than mine.

December
March 17 at 9:45pm
On a happier note I DID get my hair done and go for a tan.  I have to get naked with strangers again one of these days <sigh> so its time to get back into shape.  My ass is so out of control right now.

My naturopath is a super magic and psychic woman, and she kindly did a meditation for me last night and this is the message she got:

“Your Guides/Soul stated flatly that you need another man.  You have a lot of clearing out to do, physically and personally, and in a year, you will start fresh.  You will have 2 children, on this path, one after the other, and I’ll help.  You are still young and, they say, you need to be reminded of that!”

So I have hope – because I have seen her magic work, she’s the reason I quit smoking without even trying 4 months ago, and she’s a big part of the reason I found out about you and Volga and was able to break free from a dangerous relationship.  So I hope she’s right.

December
March 17 at 9:47pm
I may change my mind, I’m quite fickle, but i think it’s best – if you don’t mind, if you don’t tell me any more details of your relationship with Volga.  It has been good for me to know exactly what went on up to this point, so it is easier for me to accept the truth, but now it just hurts me so much.  If you want, I will do the same for you.  Although, i don’t know what we will talk about lol.  Just our feelings I guess.  That might work.

December
March 17 at 9:52pm
Oh and my mom checked out your posting on LiarsCheatsandBastards.com.  Then she surfed around to see OTHER liars, cheats, and bastards.
You know what she told me???????????????????  Get this:

60% of the fuckers up there are…………… Turkish!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes i said it.  Fuckin’ A, Bubba.

Volga is still trying to make me believe he is not evil.  Gawd i need to be free of him once and for all.

Nadia
March 17 at 9:54pm
Oh yes, after that last exchange this afternoon I vowed not to speak specifically of it again.  I felt so worried.  The pain is monumental and there’s no reason to make it worse.

I’m sorry you have to deal with him about the money, but hopefully it will come through soon and you can have the pleasure of ignoring him.  I swear to God saying anything to him just keeps you locked into his energy.  Saying nothing is SO POWERFUL.  I think of so many wicked lines I could write back but it takes all my will power to just think fuck it, not giving anything to that fuckface.  Not even a reaction.

December
March 17 at 9:56pm
Is it?  I can’t wait to experience some power.  I have a hard time NOT writing back the wicked lines… and he knows that so he sends messages to provoke me into replying.  But once I get all this out of the way that will be my goal.  I will have to find other hobbies, for when I am not sitting here waiting desperately to get another message from you, I am wanting to hear from him.  It’s fucked.  He has made me addicted to messages….. he’s like my heroin dealer… FUCK FUCK FUCK.

December
March 17 at 9:57pm
I cried at the top of my lungs, like really RAGED until I went hoarse, I let it all come out – in the car on the drive home from my parents house.  My poor dogs were terrified and curled up into balls in the backseat, but I let it rip like you would not believe.  So healing, so necessary.  So not pretty ha ha.

December
March 17 at 10:01pm
And just so you know he says he is devastated that you will no longer talk to him.  He said you are even more sensitive than I am, and he worries about how you are taking it.  Omg I just realized how FUCKING GAY that sounds, i don’t want him to think you are suffering!  I want him to think you are SO OVER IT.  That fucker he is so high on himself, and I am totally feeding into his ego by telling how fucked up it has made me, why didn’t I take a lesson from you??????????????

December
March 17 at 10:03pm
He is so spahzing out right now you would not believe – every second word is FUCK and he’s totally yelling.  He’s so fucked.  He just spent like two hours on the phone with the bank transferring the money and he’s swearing at me.  I think he might lose it.  You don’t think he would ever REALLY kill himself do you?  I wouldn’t want that on my conscience.  Maybe I should stop telling him what a fucking pervert and an asshole I think he is.

Nadia
March 17 at 10:04pm
Hahahahahaha omg I did the same thing in my car yesterday WITH THE WINDOW OPEN and pedestrians in earshot!  I didn’t care, looking like a maniac!!!!

And unfortunately I know the addiction to the messages.  I am renowned for my addiction to my phone.  For every message you get from him but don’t write back, don’t give him any arsenal, you feel the power welling up.  It just takes a few times to feel it.  I have to be so strict with myself.  Sharing them with a friend helps me, I can retort without writing back.

I would say try sleeping with your phone off HAHAHAHA like I’m able to do that LOL maybe tomorrow fuuuuck.

I can see him as gross and ugly now!  Gross Turkish slime!!!!!

December
March 17 at 10:07pm
Yay.  Yes I need a vacation from my phone and computer I am a harsh addict like you.  So sad lol.  That’s a good idea about sharing the messages to get your retorts out ha ha you are a clever little bitch.
I love it.

Nadia
March 17 at 10:07pm
For sure he wont kill himself.  FOR SURE.  He said it himself he’s too much of a coward.  He would have done it already.

I just really don’t believe ANYTHING he says anymore.  I don’t believe he’s worried about me.  He’s just saying that to hurt you.  Yes if the money is through, you are through!!!!!

December
March 17 at 10:09pm
Now he’s yelling at me and calling me a money hungry bitch ah ha ha.
SO NOT ME lol.

December
March 17 at 10:09pm
That’s wicked lol.

Nadia
March 17 at 10:13pm
Ugh hey, better than going to court!  My friend is doing that right now with her fucked up ex for all the money he owes her, 16 grand or more, I hope it’s some vindication but i wouldn’t want to be in court over this.

Thanks -  the bitch has to be put to good use sometimes lol.  I’ll share one retort, the last one I censored myself from writing: my dad and I are laughing over these messages you are sending.  Just humiliate him!!!  But still, silence is better than anything.  Though i swear to God, if I ever saw him out which I never will, I will definitely throw his drink in his face.

December
March 17 at 10:19pm
Omg you know what’s so funny – we are both message addicts and we are able to supply one another for our addictions to help us get over our addictions to HIS messages.  GAWD the irony is so awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lol thank GOD HALLELULIA!!!!

Nadia
March 17 at 10:23pm
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhahahahahahaha its so TRUE!!!!!!!!  Omfg!!!!!!!  That’s so hilarious.  There should be something written about this, I wonder if this story resonates with anyone else out there????  Modern day deception, found out through the information highway, and the ironic path to healing!!!!  I wonder…

But also I am planning to see a counselor for a couple sessions, I was going to call today.  But fucking ironically I went to a therapist when the last relationship was fucked and over and now am picking up exactly where I left off!!  But I was going to say it did SO MUCH for me, just several sessions with the right therapist.  Sometimes friends are great but they don’t make you work.

December
March 17 at 10:34pm
Omg we could go on OPRAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You want me to look into it?  Lol I would just have to write the story and try to convey all its delicious irony and send it to her.

Yes I have been thinking about seeing someone as well and i think its a really good idea.  I was recommended to my naturopath’s guru who everyone says is amazing so I think I should go – I just need to see if I can get in anytime soon.  VERY GOOD IDEA.  Our minds have been so warped and twisted that we need some professional help fer sher.

December
March 17 at 10:35pm
That’s so awesome what you replied to him about you and your dad laughing OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.

December
March 17 at 10:36pm
He said he went to look at puppies today GAAAAAAAAAAWD there is no end to his tactics.

December
March 17 at 10:38pm
Oh GOD i forgot to tell you -

He has had tons of calls from his friends telling him about all the postings there are of him out there ha ha – he asked if it was you or me doing it but I didn’t tell him anything just ignored it.

December
March 17 at 10:38pm
You know I wonder if there are people working for Facebook who sit here and read this shit – it’s pretty fucking entertaining if you ask me.

Nadia
March 17 at 10:44pm
HAHA oh he knew it was me he ‘asked me kindly’ to take them down.  They had already been long deleted by admin.  I wont say the reasons he thought I should take them down (after saying i can post whatever i wanted about him to feel better hahah) but his reasons were ultimately pathetic.

Well okay one: he said ‘its not like I’ve done this before.’
CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?!?!?!?!

He has crazy written over every manipulative message.  Oh God esp the puppy one. my dog never liked him thank god.

I have turned on the heating blanket and am attempting to do a little meditation soon and hopefully be able to sleep.  Btw if it helps you to talk about your relationship with him I can handle it.  It’s no longer connected to my solar plexus.

December
March 17 at 10:48pm
Thanks.  I will let you go now and do your meditation.  I should close the computer too and do something healthy.  Talking to you has been SO HEALTHY for me no doubt, but I am SUPER GLUED to this computer and that’s not.

Please have sweet dreams, I will pray for your happiness again tonight.  I think you are just amazing and wonderful and I really appreciate you for everything.  I’m sure I’ll see you tomorrow lol.

Namaste.  Peace.  Love.  D

December
March 17 at 10:50pm
And just so you know, I don’t think i could handle this situation (for real) if you did not exist.  You have seriously helped me put everything into perspective, you have kept me occupied, kept my addiction fed, comforted me, and given me insight I could not have mustered out of myself in the midst of all the confusion and pain.  You are an angel – truly.  A real one.

Nadia
March 17 at 10:55pm
Thank you so much, what you feel I feel exactly the same.  It’s amazing to me that we just kept writing through the realizations and have just started coming out the other side.

I would be so IN MY HEAD if it weren’t for this correspondence.  Better to be at least getting it out through an addictive device than mashing up our brains even more than they already are!

I equally appreciate your support.  Talk to you in the morning, yes.

And YAY I didn’t respond at all!  The messages were just too stupid I don’t even have anything to say to him anymore.  He just kept imploring me not to lose faith in humanity and things like that.  On a fucking soapbox.  And more self pity.  PSYCHO.

I realize the next step when I can manage it is just to keep chopping the funnel that brings every thought back to this.  It’s like back to beginning of meditation, just seeing all these thoughts arise and all go in the same direction, making the same groove.  It’s all a retraining now.  It’s obviously not going to happen all at once but now even these thoughts have to be a reminder of awareness in themselves.  Turning the poison into medicine.

I think today will be better than yesterday!!!!!

December
March 18 at 8:50am
iI have a feeling it already IS better than yesterday.  I’m proud of you for not answering him.  I’m mad at him for thinking you are so weak that he could possibly get anywhere with you at this point and i think it is going to kill him when he finally clues in you are not going to answer him.

I bet he didn’t sleep a wink last night – since he’s up and at ‘er again first thing this morning.  But after my last transmission with him last night when we argued I got nothing.

My poor cat Yubu who is somewhat autistic and has major O.C.D. swallowed half way down one of those plastic things that holds a price tag onto a piece of new clothing in the store, you know, the long stringy things.  I saw half of it hanging out of his mouth like a misplaced whisker and he was gagging like he couldn’t get it all the way down so I tried to pull it but the damn thing wouldn’t budge!!!!  He freaked out and then somehow managed to swallow it the rest of the way down so i hope i find it soon on the floor in a pile of bile and hairball, or i guess it will have to exit out his bum!

December
March 18 at 8:52am
Oh isn’t that just so SWEET!!!!  He’s uber concerned for your innocence and doesn’t want you to be jaded by this awful experience.

Oh he is soooooooo thoughtful and caring!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  He really sees YOU as this tender, sensitive, sweet, unassuming and giving little dear, and me as this evil, jaded, money hungry bitch.  THAT MOTHERFUCKER.

December
March 18 at 10:01am
K I sent this story idea to Oprah – can you even fucking IMAGINE LOL.
———————————————-

Possible Topics for This Story:
Facebook: How It Helped Us Discover our Psychopathic Cheating Boyfriend AND How It Helped Us Get Over Him
or
Men Who Lead Secret Separate Lives
or
The Psychopath Boyfriend

I just found out three days ago that the man I was engaged to marry, and have had a life with for three years, has also had a serious girlfriend in a nearby city the entire time. She had no clue about me, nor I her. He travels for work, so whenever he was here, living with me, working out of our home office, he told her he was away for work; whenever he said he was “going to Vancouver to work on the condo”, he was actually “returning home” to her. She and I both had suspicions over the years but could find nothing concrete. Finally she did some internet sleuthing, and through the magic of Facebook found me, and the jig was up. We have spent the last few days chatting endlessly, comparing notes and coming to the harsh realization that this man we loved, this man we thought we KNEW, did not exist. Instead, we are left with a textbook psychopath. The more notes we compare, the clearer it becomes that our charming, loving, attentive, and devastatingly HANDSOME mutual boyfriend has a serious mental problem.

Ironically, because he was away so much, he got both of us addicted to txt messages and emails, and we have been able to console one another and feed each others’ addictions to this drug by messaging EACH OTHER instead of him during this extremely difficult and painful time.  Facebook helped us unmask the demon who possessed us, and is helping us cope with the fallout.

What do you think?  Will Oprah call???

December
March 18 at 10:18am
RE EDIT – I ADDED A FEW DETAILS TO MAKE IT BETTER

Possible Topics for This Story:
Facebook: How It Helped Us Discover our Psychopathic Cheating Boyfriend AND How It Helped Us Get Over Him
or
Men Who Lead Secret Separate Lives

I just found out three days ago that the man I was engaged to marry, and have had a life with for three years, has also had a serious girlfriend in a nearby city the entire time. She had no clue about me, nor I her. He travels for work, so whenever he was here, living with me, working out of our home office, he told her he was away for work; whenever he said he was “going to Vancouver to work on the condo”, he was actually “returning home” to her. She and I both had suspicions over the years but could find nothing concrete and through his amazing powers of manipulation he was always able to turn our suspicoins around.

Finally she did some internet sleuthing, and through the magic of Facebook found me, and the jig was up. We have spent the last few days chatting endlessly, comparing notes and coming to the harsh realization that this man we loved, this man we thought we KNEW, did not exist. Instead, we are left with a textbook psychopath. The more notes we compare, the clearer it becomes that our charming, loving, attentive, and devastatingly HANDSOME mutual boyfriend has a serious mental problem. He was living two separate lives for THREE YEARS, and everything that ever came out of his mouth was a LIE.

Ironically, because he was away so much, he got both of us addicted to txt messages and emails, and we have been able to console one another and feed each others’ addictions to this drug by messaging EACH OTHER instead of him during this extremely difficult and painful time. Facebook helped us unmask the demon who possessed us, and is helping us cope with the fallout.

Nadia
March 18 at 10:25am
Hahaha in the wake of things like ‘he’s just not that into you’ it sounds like not such a long shot!

If there are more stories like ours of finding out about psychopath people through facebook, it would make an incredible theme for a show.

What about the radio?  I used to listen to The Beat in the mornings driving to work and they eat this sort of stuff up. Want to email them this too?

The Beat 94.5.

December
March 18 at 10:31am
LOL!!!!!!!!
You do what you need to do ha ha – I don’t really aim to torture him, I just want to go on Oprah lol.

You know, I had a massive revelation last night – I have ALWAYS believed in Fate or God’s Plan, you know, and I have always tried very hard to not be a hypocrite during the tough times, like when i had the last two miscarriages and was severely depressed and destitute thinking i might never have kids, EVEN THEN i still believed in God or Fate having a REASON and a PLAN although it was VERY DIFFICULT to keep the faith at the time and I felt like I was being tortured.

NOW I SEE HIS PLAN.  He wasn’t punishing me or being unfair or depriving me of ANYTHING.  He was SAVING ME from having a baby with a psychopath.  He is GREAT!  He also saved me from the same fate with all my past motherfucker bf’s and my  husband who was also wrong for me.  GOD IS GOOD!!!!

Nadia
March 18 at 10:37am
Hi Nadia,

I’ve watched this drama unfold over the last few days and clearly see that you are angry, hurt and disappointed. I can sympathize with how you feel and I hope you can forgive and get through this period without too much pain.

However, I think that for you to assert that I saw your relationship the same way as you did is wrong. I certainly didn’t see you as Volga’s mistress. In the 3 or 4 times that we went for sushi I know that Volga left with me each time. I also know that Volga liked you and treated you well when I was present. I’m not my brother’s keeper and its wrong for you to attribute that responsibility to me. If you had doubts about him then you should have dealt with him directly to sort out your differences with him.

As for the approach you’ve taken to dealing with this issue publicly on the Internet I am totally shocked at the level of your retribution as you try to destroy him. I know he doesn’t deserve this massacre.

I have no idea whether he was your one and only and if you’ve dated other men during the time you’ve known him then this whole situation has been a farce. Only you know the truth of this matter.

I hope that you can find the happiness that you deserve in your life.

Sincerely,

Gary

Nadia
March 18 at 10:38am
And my short reply:

Gary,

You are an idiot.

I can see you are as fucked up in your thinking as Volga, so there is no reason to respond to anything you have written.

No wonder you are a sad lonely man.

December
March 18 at 10:42am
HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

December
March 18 at 10:42am
HA HA HA HA HA HA HAH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nadia
March 18 at 10:46am
And that’s brilliant insight about God’s grace.  We took the long route but we got here.  We got the message!!!!!

December
March 18 at 12:10pm
And again i have that yucky feeling grrrrrrrrrrr what a FUCK.

Hi December,

I am watching this situation unfold with amazement. I don’t find this situation funny. I feel bad for you and everyone involved. I am not ashamed of myself.

Clearly you are extremely hurt, disappointed and angry and as I wrote Nadia I do sympathize with your situation and hope you can forgive Volga and move on with peace in your life. I also told Nadia that she is completely wrong in her assertion that I saw her friendship with Volga the same way as she did. In the 3 or 4 times that we had sushi together I know that Volga left with me each and every time. To think that I have full tabs on Volga and where he stands with other people is wrong. I’m not his keeper and don’t want the responsibility of being his keeper.

I do know that Volga loves you and to watch how you’ve dealt with this situation very publicly is disappointing. You’re not just upset and angry you’re trying to completely destroy him and he doesn’t deserve this form of retribution. I’m a firm believer in the idea that he/she who is without sin should cast the first stone and those who have been granted grace should grant grace in return.

I believe that in tough times people’s true feelings for other people really shine through. In spite of Volga’s transgressions the idea that he is pathological or a sociopath is not worth commenting on given how well he’s treated you and fought for you outside of this situation. He doesn’t deserve this treatment.

I hope one day everyone can move forward as civil human beings.

Gary

AA- assholes annonymous

Nadia
March 18 at 1:41pm
Anyway, i hope you’re not as stuck on your computer still as I am.  We should take scheduled breaks together lol.  Like quitting smoking!!!

I love your statement in the ‘about me’ box and that is what we both have to focus on! I’m just stuck in feeling sick now about the whole friends not saying anything, and Gary’s heartless way of rationalizing this.  The scumbag had a lot of cheater friends I noticed.

Okay, hope you’re out breathing fresh new air, in the fresh new moment.
Nadia

December
March 18 at 1:44pm
I am in the middle of cleaning out his office.  Just throwing all his shit into boxes to wait to be picked up.  It’s trippy and sad.
I found his phone records and can see when he called India last year in Jan.  I was looking looking looking, as though I was looking for evidence, and then I realized I was just torturing myself.. sadly, I already know the truth.

It’s like a death for me – I’ve lost the man I loved, and I will never see him again, and now I have to go through all his shit.

On a happier note I did find his authentic ROLEX watch with all the papers and everything!  CHA CHING!

December
March 18 at 1:52pm
He sure has a lot of books about how to understand women and how to tell if a woman is right for you or not.

Nadia
March 18 at 1:58pm
Oh mannnnn I don’t envy you the task at hand.  Yay for the little bonus of the watch!!!  I would do the same torturous searches, it would be too hard not to.  I found out the last boyfriend’s cheating by searching his phone.  Searching is instinctual.

It is a death no doubt, but death is the biggest transformation besides enlightenment!  We’re on the right path, I’m sure of it.

Hahahah I have so many vindictive fantasies for such a ‘peaceful’ person lol even to Gary, slashing his tires of his ugly Hummer. (even Gary met my dad!) but I will just let it roll through my imagination and on downwind.  Still thinking about the radio thing though lol.

Nadia
March 18 at 1:59pm
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww I remember one of those books!  Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww I hope he does get serious help.

December
March 18 at 1:59pm
Lol yes thinking evil thoughts is so fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun.

December
March 18 at 2:00pm
Oh GAWD lol

December
March 18 at 2:05pm
<SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH>

Nadia
March 18 at 2:12pm
*Still shaking head in post-disbelief which is now acceptance but amazement*

Is he going to pick it all up?  I would definitely have my family with me then.

December
March 18 at 2:16pm
I just looked up this Rolex (which still has all the tags on) and the exact same watch is on ebay and selling for like 4-$6000!  I shit you not!

December
March 18 at 2:32pm
Omfg I just found the fucking pink slip.

Nadia
March 18 at 2:34pm
What’s the pink slip?

December
March 18 at 2:34pm
For his RACEBIKE.
It means I have the power to sell the fucking thing.
Proof of ownership.

December
March 18 at 2:35pm
Lol not pink slip like as in lingerie lol.

December
March 18 at 2:51pm
Ha ha wouldn’t that be so funny if i took a picture of the racebike with the number very clearly shown and posted it FOR SALE CHEAP on the race forum? Ha h ah ah ah that’d be wicked.

December
March 18 at 2:58pm
Omg can you believe this fucking email we just got from him?

December
March 18 at 3:03pm
I’ve lost my fucking phone!!!  And I know you don’t have internet right now!!!

Nadia
March 18 at 3:06pm
Hahaha my girl friend is looking for a cheap track bike!

December
March 18 at 3:06pm
Ya well I’m not kidding.

December
March 18 at 3:07pm
I can’t find my phonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnne.

December
March 18 at 3:07pm
Isn’t that so nice of him?  Offering to pay for counseling for us?????????
So sweeeeeeet.

December
March 18 at 3:10pm
What was the last thing I tested you please, maybe that will help me find my fucking phone.

December
March 18 at 3:14pm
Oops i meant TEXTED.

Nadia
March 18 at 3:22pm
Hahaha I texted “Don’t bite” to that email!  LOL

December
March 18 at 3:24pm
No I mean way before that lol.
I’m trying to remember where I was when I last had it lol.

December
March 18 at 3:24pm
Ican NOT find it AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

December
March 18 at 4:01pm
Help – I’m getting my head fucked with – for real.
I need help!

He’s saying that I deserve what happened because I never appreciated any of the millions of things he did for me and he listed them all, and he’s saying I don’t deserve to be mad because he forgave me for what happened with that dude I told you about.

Maybe I don’t deserve to be mad.  Maybe I am as guilty as he.

December
March 18 at 4:04pm
HELP PLEASE – is it true?
———————
You are such a FU#$ asshole…. you think this is a way for you to get emotional and physical compensation …. You think I care about financial or physically attached objects… I CARED about you up to this point…. Now I know how vindictive you can be… you emotionally made me feel guilty for over three years of my life … I always thought I didn’t do enough for you… and tried harder…pushing me away with your harsh comments rather then trying to find out how I felt about you. I was the one that was a fool.

I tried to find a way to help all of us out… I made a mistake just like you did…you are so quick to judge… the only innocent one is Nadia out of this.

I am angry at me for being so much in love with you and always giving you the benefit of the doubt… May be I should I have kicked and screamed like you did when you were out making out with Gino and falling in love with him and posting it for all your friends to see… BOY they must have though I was just a looser knowing and wanting to be with you!!!

Your true colors are showing…. At least I accept and realize and try to fix it… you just want revenge and financial compensation you fu$#% money hungry bi#$%!!!

I gave you EVERYTHING…. I paid rent in a house you and your parents own…. I spent thousands in renos… I got new furniture for you… I built a FU#@$ fence with my hands for you… I moved your shit to Penticton BY MYSELF for you…. I drove to see you when you misscarrier in Victoria while I was sooo sick with the flu…. I was there in Penticton in the hospital by your side through your fu#$ miscarriage while knowing full well you fell in love with Mr. Elvis…went to Barley Mill knowing all your girlfriends know what had happened while I was gone…. I took care of every one of your animals like it was my own and treated them like FU#@$ GOLD!!!…. I fueld your fu#@$ car … did the laundry… wash fu#$% dishes… didn’t travel for work and held back to hang out with you…paid for so many fucking clothing trips and house expenses…. NEVER FUCKING held anything back from you….Yeah that REALLY sounds like I was a FUCKING BASTARD doesn’t it!!!

ALL YOU CAN FU#@$ think about is selling/destroying my mementos!

NICE!!!
Volga
Nadia
March 18 at 4:32pm
Um NO its not true!!!  He was not innocent he started with me in July 06 he was telling me he loved me there is no innocence!!!

He did this to you and made you feel bad about his fucked up behavior.

He is a master manipulator and he is just working another angle to hurt you.  He will believe anything to feel better about himself

Do you want to call?

December
March 18 at 4:38pm
No it’s ok – it really got to me but I’m ok.  I’m going up to visit my brand new twin nieces so that will calm me down.  Not quite ready to hear your voice yet either lol.  Yhanks for getting back to me though.  I hope you are right.

Nadia
March 18 at 4:40pm
1. If he cared about you why would he have betrayed you?
2. He is saying he is trying to find a way to help all of us out??  This is fucked up crazy, he CREATED this whole fucking mess and now he wants to see himself as the healer?
3. He NEVER accepted his fucked up colors until we finally figured it out.  Remember how MAD he would get if we questioned his fidelity.  If I even made a joke at his expense he would defend himself so strongly, saying he is a good person, a kind person….
4. He gave you everything’???  How about fidelity???
5. He used lines and prescribed ways of being, he wasn’t GENUINE.
6. He is a fucked up douchebag and this letter PROVES IT.

DON’T BELIEVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

December
March 18 at 4:48pm
Omg THANK YOU I KNEW I COULD COUNT ON YOU lol did your dad help you with that?

Nadia
March 18 at 5:13pm
Hahahaha yay Facebook back on.

No but I’m sure being a psychiatrist’s daughter I have been shaped to think like him, actually he has given me some real gems that have helped me get over him so fast.  Like stop trying to understand what he did like he was a normal person.  He’s not.

And the continued correspondence, and trying to see himself as the victim, all those patterns fit into psychopathy.  He says to me the most intelligent people get sucked into their lies.

December
March 18 at 6:24pm
My head is playing games with my right now and I’m just trying to shut the thoughts out.  It’s telling me he’s not a psychopath, just a stupid fool.
I think it’s coming from the things he’s been saying to me.  He’s started trying to win me back.

It’s not going to happen…. but it’s fucking with my head.  Luckily I host karaoke star search tonight at the pub where I work so I will get out of the house and have a few drinks with some people.  I haven’t really left the house since Sunday other than to go visit my folks and brother and it was so hard i couldn’t stay more than an hour and bawled all the way home.  Probably because Volga was such a part of my family and it hurts to do these things without him.  But I know I have to practice for it to become easier.

I just keep thinking…. what if he’s NOT a psychopath?  Just a idiot?  Then I tell myself to shut the hell up and get a grip lol.

Nadia
March 18 at 6:57pm
Good, you have to be strict with your mind now. Otherwise it will take so much longer than it has to.

In the end, it doesn’t matter if he’s a real psychopath or not.  He’s a creep.  Unworthy of your love.  He’s NOT a fool.

I need to do some serious healing now.

December
March 18 at 7:05pm
What are you gonna do?

Nadia
March 18 at 7:19pm
I don’t know, but I just called my therapist who i haven’t seen in years, and started leaving a message and CRIED while I left it, which I haven’t done since like two minutes when I found out.  So that’s a good sign I’ve got tons of shit to process.

I was getting worried I was just shutting down my emotional being, I probably am, so I need to actually do this and not just move on.

Ironically I am going on a date tonight, which is probably the WORST idea ever, but I promise myself I won’t talk about this, and just enjoy the company.

Nadia
March 18 at 7:21pm
Omg I haven’t even read this yet but my friend just sent this to me, and i have to show you

http://www.danielpipes.org/blog/comments/93931
Turkish Men are Cute Liars – Reader comments at Daniel Pipes Blog

December
March 18 at 7:22pm
Omg have fun on your date!  It’s better than sitting home alone waiting for me to reply lol.  Maybe I’ll see you here after we get home?

December
March 18 at 7:25pm
Omfg this fucking blog thing is INSANE.

December
March 18 at 7:28pm
I’m off to karaoke now.  See you soon!

December
March 18 at 10:56pm
How was your date?  Lol maybe it is still going??? Woo wee!

I had a few all be it brief but nevertheless waves of realization when I was at karaoke that i am SINGLE now which means I can make out with whoever the fuck I want.  And there is nothing I love more than FIRST KISSES ha ha so I guess I’ll get some more!!!

Hope you are well.

Nadia
March 18 at 11:39pm
It was good!!!!!!!  I really enjoyed myself, its such fucking bad timing!!!!  But I’ve kinda felt single but reserved in waiting for so long now that the realization i can pursue something else is happening to me too!

I obviously can’t let him be on my Facebook for quite some time LOL.

December
March 18 at 11:49 pm
Ha ha uh NO, maybe not a good idea lol.
We need time to erase the pain that is all over our profiles!!!  How do you like that ha.

December
March 18 at 11:55 pm
Ok now I’m just writing to you so I don’t reply to him.
La la l a…la la lal dee da.  Doo doo doo, la la la la.
There we go – all done.

I had dreams last night of doing things I never want to do, like hanging out with my GOD AWFULLY NASTY ex boyfriend Colton, now you want to meet a sociopath HOLY COW, and I was smoking a cigarette in my dream BAD BAD. So maybe I’m releasing into my dreams which is ok, I kind of prefer sleep to awake at this time anyways.

Volga said he’s going to a counselor today to try and figure out what is wrong with him.  You know, if he IS a psychopath, he won’t want the counselor to know so he won’t be honest about whats going on.  He will probably just want the counselor to feel sorry for him too.  Weird.

Life is weird!

But it’s a brand new day!!!  More cleaning is on order as I’m not going to go in to work again today.  I am honoring this major painful change in my life and have been off work all week.  I want to re-emerge into society a healed woman.

You have school today?

Nadia
March 19 at 11:10am
Hahaha I just read your msg on the yesterday’s ‘flow’ lol about the pain that is all over our FB profiles!  It’s so true, it is a total cathartic outlet, and actually seeing you put it out there and get support, made me feel okay about putting my pain out there too.  But shit, now I need to be careful who I accept on my facebook! hahahaha

I have a huge infatuation with perfume and it is so comforting to me in the last few days!  Like a blankie or something!! Especially cedar, it is comforting me with every breath.

Now I just need a brain that can focus on school for more than 5 minutes lol, as exams are coming up!

I’m at the point of realizing I can’t concern myself with what he is doing or saying anymore.  Even if it is bullshit lies to all his friends and counselor and even continuing to try to play trips on you, he has got to be OUT of my life and OUT of my realm of concern.  I just learned more about my own mind and what happens when I don’t trust myself than I have ever had to confront ever before.  I have to make this about me now, not him.  He is garbage to me now.  In the toxic dump.  lol

How is the cleaning/purging?

December
March 19 at 11:18am
Ok Sweetness I will not say another word about what is going on with him.  “The last thing I want to do is hurt you or stand in the way of your progress.

I had a feeling I shouldn’t be doing it as I was doing it but once again, I didn’t listen to my gut lol.  You are ahead of me, of course, and I’m happy for you.  I’m trying to get there, following in your footsteps only a few million miles behind lol – quit running so fast I’m short of breath!

The purging is going well, but I’m having a hard time imagining him being in this city when the time comes to get all this shit.  I don’t want him in my city!!!!

I love smells too – its amazing how they can bring memories flooding back!  I love incense and essential oils and that sort of thing as well.

Funny, I read your 25 random things a while back and saw that you were in Italy… I lived in Sicily on a teeny tiny island when i was 19/20…., I worked as a barista and learned to speak fluent Italian, its my favorite place on earth!!  In fact I lost my virginity and my heart to a boy named Fabio who, incidentally, cheated on me in the end and left me for a tart named Allessandra.  That era was the turning point in my life- it was when I began my spiritual and metaphysical awakening and allover transformation and it has been a wild journey ever since.
And I, like you, had my first orgasm in my sleep ha ha.  I didn’t have a real orgasm until I met my ex husband…. thank goodness for him I guess lol.

December
March 19 at 11:23am
Oh and also we have in common I looooooooove Indian dance music and brown men ha ha – well THAT’S a surprise isn’t it.  I’ve never been to India, but I love them just the same.

December
March 19 at 11:29am
Hmmm I just re-read my 25 random things which I wrote over a month ago.  So sad.

Nadia
March 19 at 11:52am
Ahhhh well if I am ahead it is only because it was always ‘hanging by a thread’ as I put it in my 25 things!  Crazy eh!  How I wish I had snapped that thread and been done with it, but his insidious pleas to stay were pathetically enough for me.  But this has to be for a higher purpose, so I can’t wish for the past to be different.

JUST read your 25 things, crap.  It is sad, but like you I don’t believe in regrets.  This is a very hard situation to feel that in, but I must believe it.  It really must be part of the bigger picture, I tend to think of it as karma at work.  Not that we did ANYTHING in a previous life or something to deserve this shit, I just mean more like burning the seeds of delusion.  I was very deluded.  This karma is a gift in the way that I can clear a lot of things I have been holding on to, like seeking security in belonging to another person.

And as for the rest of the 25 things wow we do have so many similarities its just not funny!!!  I lived in Italy and also had my purse stolen with passport, money, wallet everything, and I was totally living there illegally and stayed for a year!  Through a different shitty breakup, isn’t it funny to remember timelines through breakups??  Actually that guy just wrote on my wall about my ‘innocent trust in life’. He’s still pissing me off after 8 years lol.

What are we going to do about the brown guy thing?!  Damn I have to try to start liking white dudes a bit more lol.  I am actually going to destroy my TYPE and be open to genuine care from any type.  My mind snaps closed so fast: too young, too blonde, too jocky, not spiritual enough, lol I think I stayed so long in the shitty sham of a relationship because I wasn’t meeting anyone else ‘worthy’.    Now my mind is going to stay open!!!!

December
March 19 at 11:57am
But I don’t like white dudes. Noooooooooooooooo…

December
March 19 at 11:58am
And so funny – when I write my book , the segments will be names of the MEN.  Because each relationship was an era….. I totally define time by relationships and breakups ha ha too funny.

December
March 19 at 12:00pm
And omg I am just like you -
My mind snaps closed so fast: “…too young, too blonde, too jocky, not spiritual enough, lol I think I stayed so long in the shitty sham of a relationship because I wasn’t meeting anyone else ‘worthy’”.

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawd this is too damn trippy and funny.

Nadia
March 19 at 5:21pm
Heya, wow that was a good long break from our computers!!  That’s something!

I told someone else about how I was going to stay away from charming handsome Turkish/Muslim men for some time and she said, ‘What, you’re going to go for ugly white assholes?’  LOL.  NOOOOO

We’re getting close to one week sober!  Time to break out the champagne!!!

December
March 19 at 7:22pm
“Hi my name is December and I’m a Volgaholic.”

I just went and got a wicked tattoo from a super hot guy YAY!!!!  I love freedom!!!

Nadia
March 19 at 7:31pm
Fuckin eh!!!!  Wow you must be having some nice endorphins now!!  What is the wicked tattoo of?

Oh my dad left a message for Volga on his voicemail!  I was so pleased with what he said, about him being slimy and a creep and don’t contact Nadia again, she doesn’t want to hear from you, nobody wants to hear from you again.  And then he started getting mad so he just cut it.  It was great!!!!!

December
March 19 at 7:55pm
Omg I’m total flying on endorphines!!!!  I am in the BEST MOOD!!!  And it only cost me $170 to feel this good lol.

I had a dream about this tattoo around 3 weeks ago… its really big block letters spelling ‘YUBU’ (my cat’s name) all the way around one wrist, and they are colored in in marvelously bright shades of orange red and pink and then in smaller black script below it says ‘forever’.  LOL sounds weird, I know but I LOVE IT and the dude Billy was adorable and had AMAZING energy and he had his hands all over me.  Well, all over my arm heh heh.

December
March 19 at 7:57pm
Omg your dad phoned Volga??????????  Ha ha that’s wicked.
Did Volga try contacting you again?  Because he asked me to ask my “very special new best friend” ha ha to take down the posting on LiarsCheatsandBastards.com and I told him you were HIS girlfriend so he could ask you himself.  lol knowing full well you would not answer.
Gary also told him you posted him on some psychopath website.  Did you?  Or are they very confused lol.

December
March 19 at 7:58pm
P.S.  I talked him into coming to get his stuff, he SAYS he’ll come tomorrow but I know that HE knows that once he gets it, there will be no more contact so he will probably try and put it off.  He’s been trying to get me back, its sad really….. if he had done anything else but this there may have been a chance but, its his fault there isn’t a chance in hell.

I’m a freeeeeeeeeee woman!
I totally recommend going and getting a tattoo to pay tribute to yourself lol.

Nadia
March 19 at 8:53pm
This is all so hilarious!
Your tattoo sounds brilliant: I love that range of colors together and I love script in tattoos.  The next tattoo I get will be Hindi script for sure, that is such a fuckin’ good idea to do it now to celebrate!!!!

No Volga hasnt tried to contact me again, thank God.  Ew every time I think about what he’s doing with you I actually get the full body shakes.  You’d think he would be so ashamed he would hide his face, but its almost like he has no shame!!!!!

And no way am I taking that posting down.  No fucking way.  Hahahaha I’m voting on that regularly to get it to be featured Cheater of the Month!!!  There are no other posts, no psychopath website that i know of (goes to check to see if she can publicly humiliate him some more lol) Gary is such a fuckface I just want to step on him like an ant.  How did they even find that post?  Did you tell him?  I’m glad he knows!

I hope you have some guy friends over with you tomorrow!
Being free is fucking amazing.  Just the idea that the lies are over!

December
March 19 at 9:00pm
No no I never told anyone – Gary is on my friends list on facebook!!!

OMG I NEED TO REMOVE HIM RIGHT FUCKING NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Please hold.

December
March 19 at 9:01pm
Hmmm weird it looks like he may have already removed ME.

December
March 19 at 9:01pm
Bastard, how dare he? lol

Nadia
March 19 at 9:04pm
Lol actually now I see where his puny mind was mixing things up…he must’ve seen those links I posted, and your status during that time was about him having a mistress on the side; that’s why he was saying I accused him of thinking of me as a mistress!  I was so confused where he got that!

December
March 19 at 9:05pm
Ohhhhhhhh yaaaaaaaaaaaa it all makes sense now lol I was wondering where he got that too.  But you saw when I changed it to “serious girlfriend” lol… after I got to know you a bit

Nadia
March 19 at 9:14pm
Hahaha of course I did notice that!  I can’t get over Gary right now, funny eh?  He’s changing reality too:  I’ve hung out at his place!  We’ve gone for breakfast!  We’ve gone drinking!  I’ve talked openly about my ‘relationship’ with Volga to him!  He is such a fucker.  Once I made Volga show me what Gary was writing him, and it was some weird remark about am I making him TALK about the relationship… he was so in on it its not even funny.

December
March 19 at 9:16pm
Ya hes a FUCK that’s for sure.  Slimy little fuckhead.  Ew.
It’s so sad but I’m happy to be freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

December
March 19 at 9:17pm
I’m just gonna keep telling myself that until its true. lol

December
March 19 at 9:18pm
Volga’s totally been trying to downplay his relationship with you – but I know its all bullshit.  I know EXACLTY how he talked to you and how he strung you along.  I am the only person in the world who knows exactly what you are talking about—– GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Sometimes it makes me feel good to growl.

Nadia
March 19 at 9:22pm
What is he saying about it?

Nadia
March 19 at 9:23pm
Yeah I have all the messages saved that definitely ‘strung me along’ to say the least!  CRAZY

December
March 19 at 9:23pm
Oh you don’t need to hear that do you?  I don’t want to hurt your feelings.  I know it is bullshit.

Nadia
March 19 at 9:24pm
Well yes it will, but I just want to hear!

December
March 19 at 9:24pm
I’m sure I could guess exactly what kinds of messages he sent you.
He’s fucked – end of story.

Nadia
March 19 at 9:25pm
Ok you’re right, I’m better off not hearing.  But my curiosity is killing me.

December
March 19 at 9:25pm
No no I don’t think you need to hear the things he’s saying.
He’s just been trying to make me believe the relationship wasn’t what it was is all.  LIES JUST LIES.

December
March 19 at 9:26pm
I know just trust me, ok?

Because not only are the things going to hurt YOU, but then when you tell me they aren’t true (which i already know) it will hurt me, and then he is STILL HURTING US, even now!

Nadia
March 19 at 9:27pm
Right, God, he is capable of so much deception, keeping it up now!!!!  I don’t think there’s hope for him.

December
March 19 at 9:27pm
No it’s so fucking weird hey it boggles my mind.

Nadia
March 19 at 9:33pm
I was thinking of erasing all those messages, but I had a small feeling to keep them just for a little while longer, in case he needs to have it laid out in front of him. lol

Ew!

December
March 19 at 9:34pm
You mean like messages from a while ago – PRE-BREAKUP?
Fuck – put them in an email and send them to him!!!

Gawd the thought of what they must say makes me feel ill.

December
March 19 at 9:38pm
I hate him.

Nadia
March 19 at 9:39pm
I can’t email them to him, I have ended contact.  At first when I was finding out about this, I did msg a few of them to him, with ‘remember this’ no answer.  I kept everything   I wasted so much love on him.  I just poured it into a vat of evil.  Awesome.

December
March 19 at 9:42pm
Ok then destroy them.
Seriously.  You don’t need evidence.  I believe you.  He knows.
Gaaaaaaaaawd why does this have to be so hard???

Based on what we’ve learned about his words and actions so far, I wouldn’t doubt it if your messages said the same things as mine – or very close.  GAAAAAAAAAWD EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

December
March 19 at 9:47pm
You know I think he really believes all his lies!!!!!!!  I mean, how can he just keep going and LYING AND LYING AND LYING?????????????

He knows we are friends and are comparing notes on everything!

Nadia
March 19 at 9:50pm
Hahaha yeah I am quite sure he is convincing himself with every lie.  Maybe he has no fucking clue just what we are saying.  Maybe he’s underestimating us lol.  Maybe he’s just a PSYCHOPATH hahahahaha.

I will definitely destroy everything soon.  Fuck it.

December
March 19 at 9:54pm
Ya i mean what do you need it for – maybe just a reminder that it really happened as you know it did?  Sometimes doubt can creep in.

December
March 19 at 9:55pm
Man he’s trying everything to get me to doubt things and its totally working – That’s why it’s SO IMPORTANT that I have you to keep setting me straight with your facts.  He’s so cunning.  I just want this to be over once and for all.  I feel sorry for him and that’s weird.

Nadia
March 19 at 10:00pm
Yeah, it’s kinda true.  Like did this really happen?  I’m always here to help you cast off doubt.  Doubt is the poison that he is working with!  Lying about dates right off the bat.  Blame…. yeah I know what you’re saying, his soul probably feels so rotten right now.  I wouldn’t intentionally wish that on anyone, but hey, he did it to himself.

I also can’t wait for this to just be some AMAZING and fucked up story that you can pull out to trump ANY ex-boyfriend story!  I can’t wait to have a new boyfriend offer to go hurt him!  I can’t wait for the future!  Each day gets us a little bit closer!

December
March 19 at 10:05pm
Lol we are doing really really good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nadia
March 19 at 10:07pm
You know I really think we are.  Like fucking amazing.  Fucking resilient!!  And THAT”S what he didn’t count on!

December
March 19 at 10:13pm
Nooooooooooooooooo he had no CLUE what great taste he had in women!!!

December
March 19 at 10:15pm
Hey let me ask you something because its been nagging and i don’t really want to know but I need to anyways grrrr
did you meet Volga on a motorbike ride up to Whistler?  Did you get into some kind of trouble and he helped you?

Nadia
March 19 at 10:17pm
No I met him after that, he told me that story first day I met him.  I wanted to ask you do you ride too?

December
March 19 at 10:18pm
I ride dirtbikes.   We were planning on buying a couple of bikes this spring.
Fuckaduck.
Ok well how DID you meet hin then???????????????

Like I said I don’t want to know but i need to.  Fuckaduck.

December
March 19 at 10:21pm
remember this pain is all part of the healing
remember this pain is all part of the healing
remember this pain is all part of the healing
remember this pain is all part of the healing
remember this pain is all part of the healing
remember this pain is all part of the healing
remember this pain is all part of the healing
remember this pain is all part of the healing

Nadia
March 19 at 10:22pm
Ugh on a bike.  Of course.  I got real sick of that story.  I don’t have one anymore, it was stolen last summer, and I couldn’t buy another as I had truck payments and tuition and now working so little.  But I’m glad cause I never want to see him at the track.  What am i going to do??  I just wont go for a year, big deal.  I’ll do other track days not at mission.

December
March 19 at 10:22pm
Well if you want I could sell his bike for real and then he won’t be there either. lol

December
March 19 at 10:23pm
What – you just met him riding around???????  I don’t get it.

December
March 19 at 10:24pm
This fucking sucks hey?

Nadia
March 19 at 10:25pm
IDO want you to sell the bike!  Lol to my friend for cheap!!!!!  Nahhhhh I never want to see that bike again.  GROSS.  Yeah just riding up Cypress.

December
March 19 at 10:26pm
Hmmmm…

Nadia
March 19 at 10:28pm
This really does suck a lot.  I can’t figure it out.  It’s painful to know these things, yet they seem to be integral to really figuring out what happened… so our brains aren’t stewing in it forever.  I can’t see the happy medium.  Maybe AGAIN it’s easier for me because I read it all first on your blog….

December
March 19 at 10:29pm
Ah well, enough healing for one night lol.  This sucks huge ass.
Maybe we should call it a night.  I have to clean my kitchen – I hate waking up to a dirty kitchen lol.

It hurts to heal, oh yes it does.  But it can only get easier.
Ineed to find some more handsome men to flirt with and maybe even someone to make out with.  That will help lol.  I prescribe it to you as well lol.  Cuz I’m “Dahktah Dee” (you might have to say it out loud to get it lol)

Nadia
March 19 at 10:31pm
Hahahah right on, ok yes we really delved into the details again, time to quit!!!  I am only too happy to follow the doc’s orders!!!!

Goodnight, have a peaceful sleep.
Nadia

December
March 19 at 10:32pm
Nah there is no happy medium.. eventually each of us will feel like we know enough and we will move on.  Things are already changing – look how little we chatted today compared to day 1 and 2 and 3.  Way less.
It’s going to be ok.  Really.

Maybe one day (in like 20 years ha ha) we will even be strong enough to meet each other lol.  I bet we would have a lot of fun together since we sure do have a lot in common LOL!!!  Omg the two of us, single, out on the town.

Well truly it’s way too much to imagine at this point – makes me feel a little ill actually lol but ONE DAY!!!!!!!! MAYBE!!!??????? HA HA

December
March 19 at 10:34pm
You know – whenever he and I would fight or ‘break up’ and he was in Van or would go there, he always made it seem like he was suffering so much and never leaving his house and bla bla bla but I bet he was with you – so it’s only logical that NOW, in spite of all the crap that comes out of his mouth about how much he is hurting and how he wants to make it better, I bet he’s out trying to find a new broad already.

And that makes him a super double motherfucking ass wipe.

Nadia
March 19 at 10:34pm
Hahahahahaha actually I hope so!  Don’t imagine it now though lol.
Too funny! Ok night night!

December
March 19 at 10:35pm
Ok nighty night sleep well!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Survival Tips

by Grace Belafonte, Life Coach

Living in the aftermath phase of a pathological relationship can be a grueling experience. These tips are a vital way to cope.

Acceptance

“God grant me the serenity to Accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.”

Disengage with the Pathological

Create distance between you and the pathological. Do not communicate directly with the pathological unless you are forced to by the court. Then, set up a voicemail system that can transcribe and forward messages to you via e-mail.

Establish a Reliable Support System

Sounds like an overused recommendation, but as a survivor, a strong support system is a life-saving grace. It is important that those you lean on are completely trustworthy and “get” what is happening.

Spiritual Nourishment

If you believe in God, use God to get through this. If you don’t believe in God, rely on something else; 12-steppers believe in a higher power. If you have to, trust someone else’s belief that things are going to be ok.

Com-PART-MENTAL-ize

In the aftermath, you may feel overwhelmed with issues. Try to visualize little compartments in which each issue can be stored. Work on one issue at a time. While working on one issue, detach emotionally from the others so you can focus.

Next Indicated Step

Think in terms of your next indicated step when you are overwhelmed. If you are open to solutions in your life, they will show up. When you wake up in the morning, ask “what can I do next in such and such area.” And just do it. Stay out of the future.

Quiet the Ache

First, acknowledge that how you feel is normal. Even though this person is bad for you, the pathological is usually quite conning and extremely charismatic. Have someone available who “understands” the situation and who can talk you down from the “compulsion” of wanting to talk to or be with the pathological. You do not, however, need someone in your life who will tell you shouldn’t feel that way. You just do. What you need is someone to help you act appropriately despite your feelings.

Create a Positive Outlook

Know that one day this will be over. At some point, you will feel certain doubt that you will not get through this. Every day that passes is one day closer to the whole situation being a thing of the past. Look for any good things that could arise in your life because of this.

Gratitude

Sit down daily, close your eyes, and find one thing to be grateful for. It could be as simple as being able to breathe, or walk, or that you have a great friend who loves you and believes in you. It could be the joy you get from a child, a pet, etc.

Forget about Revenge

Revenge does not serve anyone. It may be a nice thought to have a predator get his karma… you cannot be the one to do it. Thinking and planning revenge only feeds the resentment you have inside. Let it go. Live emotionally free.
Right size the Predator

It helps to look at the person who has harmed you in ways that reduce his/her power over you. For instance, nick names that are funny or lessen his or her power are great.
Don’t Hammer Yourself

If you are dealing with a pathological, please don’t take it personal. There is probably a long list of others hurt too by this person. This happened because you were vulnerable, not bad. Evil people target loving, caring people. This does not mean you should stop being loving and caring. Please continue to be the beautiful person you are. You are armed, now, with information. Use that information so that you are no longer vulnerable and easy prey. Yes, it IS possible.

Life is like a Box of Men….

December
March 20 at 9:59am
OMG – and so it begins.  I’m going out this evening with some of my female friends.  AND one of them is bringing her super hottie tenant guy so I can have rebound sex with him.  HA HA – i don’t know about the sex part, but maybe just some good flirting or maybe even a little making out????  GAAAAAAAWD life’s a trip.
I hope you are having a good day at work and tonight goes well.  We probably won’t see much of each other today, and that’s progress lol.

But I’m still thinking of you!!!

D

Nadia
March 20 at 12:17pm
I’m thinking of you too and so happy there is a distraction in store!!!  I am totally excited by the new guy and feel these weird swings of nausea and butterflies!

Nadia
March 20 at 12:21pm
Work is hilarious!  It’s fucking pouring and we’re driving stakes into rocky soil to fix a hedge wrecked by the winter load… Just what I needed lol!

December
March 20 at 12:37pm
Lol that sounds like fun – NOT!
I just found a crazy article describing psychopaths with highlighted parts for you to read and check out the bottom list of signs to look for!  OMG

I sent it to Volga too.  I’m sorry but I cant help but feel the need to torture him.  I shouldn’t but OH WELL.

THE PSYCHOPATH – The Mask of Sanity
“Likeable,” “Charming,” “Intelligent,” “Alert,” “Impressive,” “Confidence-inspiring,” and “A great success with the ladies”: These are the sorts of descriptions repeatedly used by Cleckley in his famous case-studies of psychopaths. They are also, of course, “irresponsible,” “self-destructive,” and the like. These descriptions highlight the great frustrations and puzzles that surround the study of psychopathy.

Psychopaths seem to have in abundance the very traits most desired by normal persons. The untroubled self-confidence of the psychopath seems almost like an impossible dream and is generally what “normal” people seek to acquire when they attend assertiveness training classes. In many instances, the magnetic attraction of the psychopath for members of the opposite sex seems almost supernatural.

Cleckley’s seminal hypothesis concerning the psychopath is that he suffers from a very real mental illness indeed: a profound and incurable affective deficit. If he really feels anything at all, they are emotions of only the shallowest kind. He does bizarre and self-destructive things because consequences that would fill the ordinary man with shame, self-loathing, and embarrassment simply do not affect the psychopath at all. What to others would be a disaster is to him merely a fleeting inconvenience.

Cleckley also gives grounds for the view that psychopathy is quite common in the community at large. He has collected some cases of psychopaths who generally function normally in the community as businessmen, doctors, and even psychiatrists. Some researchers see criminal psychopathy – often referred to as anti-social personality disorder – as an extreme of a “normal” personality dimension (or dimensions).

Harrington goes so far as to say that the psychopath is the new man being produced by the evolutionary pressures of modern life. Other researchers criticize this view, pointing out the real disabilities that the clinical psychopath also suffers.

One very interesting aspect of the psychopath is his “hidden life” that is sometimes not too well hidden. It seems that the psychopath has a regular need to take a “vacation into filth and degradation” the same way normal people may take a vacation to a resort where they enjoy beautiful surroundings and culture. To get a full feeling for this strange “need” of the psychopath – a need that seems to be evidence that “acting human” is very stressful to the psychopath.
Also, read Cleckley’s speculations on what was “really wrong” with these people. He comes very close to suggesting that they are human in every respect – but that they lack a soul. This lack of “soul quality” makes them very efficient “machines.” They can be brilliant, write scholarly works, imitate the words of emotion, but over time, it becomes clear that their words do not match their actions. They are the type of person who can claim that they are devastated by grief who then attend a party “to forget.” The problem is: they really DO forget.

Being very efficient machines, like a computer, they are able to execute very complex routines designed to elicit from others support for what they want. In this way, many psychopaths are able to reach very high positions in life. It is only over time that their associates become aware of the fact that their climb up the ladder of success is predicated on violating the rights of others.”Even when they are indifferent to the rights of their associates, they are often able to inspire feelings of trust and confidence.”

The psychopath recognizes no flaw in his psyche, no need for change.

Psychopaths In the New Age
At the present time, there is a veritable explosion of reports from our readers about their experiences with individuals they have encountered in the “alternative research” fields, as well as in general interactions of their lives. What is so shocking is the number of such individuals that must exist, based on these reports. This is not just an occasional event, it seems to be almost a pandemic!

Our research team and egroup have been engaged for some time in researching and analyzing these interactions and the characteristics and the dynamics and the personalities. Our research has led us to identify them with “Psychopaths.” They can also be Narcissists since Narcissism seems to be merely a “facet” of the psychopath or a “milder” manifestation. You could say that the Narcissist is a “garden variety psychopath” who, because of his or her “social programming,” has less likelihood of running afoul of the law. In this way, they are very efficient “survival machines,” living out their lives doing untold damage to their families, friends and business associates.

It is only when a person takes a long and careful look at the full-blown psychopath – a sort of exaggerated Narcissist – that they are able to see the caricature of the traits that then make it easier for them to identify the “garden variety” psychopath – and/or the Narcissist.

Human beings have been accustomed to assume that other human beings are – at the very least – trying to “do right” and “be good” and fair and honest. And so, very often, we do not take the time to use due diligence in order to determine if a person who has entered our life is, in fact, a “good person.” And when a conflict ensues, we automatically fall into the cultural assumption that in any conflict, one side is partly right one way, and the other is partly right the other, and that we can form opinions about which side is mostly right or wrong. Because of our exposure to the “legal argument” norms, when any dispute arises, we automatically think that the truth will lie somewhere between two extremes. In this case, application of a little mathematical logic to the problem of the legal argument might be helpful.

Let us assume that in a dispute, one side is innocent, honest, and tells the truth. It is obvious that lying does an innocent person no good; what lie can he tell? If he is innocent, the only lie he can tell is to falsely confess “I did it.” But lying is nothing but good for the liar. He can declare that “I didn’t do it,” and accuse another of doing it, all the while the innocent person he has accused is saying “I didn’t do it,” and is actually telling the truth.
The truth – when twisted by good liars, can always make an innocent person look bad – especially if the innocent person is honest and admits his mistakes.

The basic assumption that the truth lies between the testimony of the two sides always shifts the advantage to the lying side and away from the side telling the truth. Under most circumstances, this shift put together with the fact that the truth is going to also be twisted in such a way as to bring detriment to the innocent person, results in the advantage always resting in the hands of liars – psychopaths. Even the simple act of giving testimony under oath is useless. If a person is a liar, swearing an oath means nothing to that person. However, swearing an oath acts strongly on a serious, truthful witness. Again, the advantage is placed on the side of the liar. [Robert Canup]
This highlights one of the unique things about the psychopath: their seeming inability to conceive of the abstract idea of “the future.”

It has often been noted that psychopaths have a distinct advantage over human beings with conscience and feelings because the psychopath does not have conscience and feelings. What seems to be so is that conscience and feelings are related to the abstract concepts of “future” and “others.” It is “spatio-temporal.” We can feel fear, sympathy, empathy, sadness, and so on because we can IMAGINE in an abstract way, the future based on our own experiences in the past, or even just “concepts of experiences” in myriad variations. We can “predict” how others will react because we are able to “see ourselves” in them even though they are “out there” and the situation is somewhat different externally, though similar in dynamic. In other words, we can not only identify with others spatially – so to say – but also temporally – in time.

The psychopath does not seem to have this capacity.

They are unable to “imagine” in the sense of being able to really connect to images in a direct “self connecting to another self” sort of way.

Oh, indeed, they can imitate feelings, but the only real feelings they seem to have – the thing that drives them and causes them to act out different dramas for effect – is a sort of “predatorial hunger” for what they want. That is to say, they “feel” need/want as love, and not having their needs/wants met is described as “not being loved” by them. What is more, this “need/want” perspective posits that only the “hunger” of the psychopath is valid, and anything and everything “out there,” outside of the psychopath, is not real except insofar as it has the capability of being assimilated to the psychopath as a sort of “food.” “Can it be used or can it provide something?” is the only issue about which the psychopath seems to be concerned. All else – all activity – is subsumed to this drive.

In short, the psychopath – and the narcissist to a lesser extent – is a predator. If we think about the interactions of predators with their prey in the animal kingdom, we can come to some idea of what is behind the “mask of sanity” of the psychopath. Just as an animal predator will adopt all kinds of stealthy functions in order to stalk their prey, cut them out of the herd, get close to them and reduce their resistance, so does the psychopath construct all kinds of elaborate camoflage composed of words and appearances – lies and manipulations – in order to “assimilate” their prey.

This leads us to an important quesion: what does the psychopath REALLY get from their victims? It’s easy to see what they are after when they lie and manipulate for money or material goods or power. But in many instances, such as love relationships or faked friendships, it is not so easy to see what the psychopath is after. Without wandering too far afield into spiritual speculations – a problem Cleckley also faced – we can only say that it seems to be that the psychopath ENJOYS making others suffer. Just as normal humans enjoy seeing other people happy, or doing things that make other people smile, the psychopath enjoys the exact opposite.

Anyone who has ever observed a cat playing with a mouse before killing and eating it has probably explained to themselves that the cat is just “entertained” by the antics of the mouse and is unable to conceive of the terror and pain being experienced by the mouse, and the cat, therefore, is innocent of any evil intent. The mouse dies, the cat is fed, and that is nature. Psychopaths don’t generally eat their victims.

Yes, in extreme cases the entire cat and mouse dynamic is carried out and cannibalism has a long history wherein it was assumed that certain powers of the victim could be assimilated by eating some particular part of them. But in ordinary life, psychopaths and narcissists don’t go all the way, so to say. This causes us to look at the cat and mouse scenarios again with different eyes. Now we ask: is it too simplistic to think that the innocent cat is merely entertained by the mouse running about and frantically trying to escape? Is there something more to this dynamic than meets the eye? Is there something more than being “entertained” by the antics of the mouse trying to flee? After all, in terms of evolution, why would such behavior be hard-wired into the cat? Is the mouse tastier because of the chemicals of fear that flood his little body? Is a mouse frozen with terror more of a “gourmet” meal?

This suggests that we ought to revisit our ideas about psychopaths with a slightly different perspective. One thing we do know is this: many people who experience interactions with psychopaths and narcissists report feeling “drained” and confused and often subsequently experience deteriorating health. Does this mean that part of the dynamic, part of the explanation for why psychopaths will pursue “love relationships” and “friendships” that ostensibly can result in no observable material gain, is because there is an actual energy consumption?

We do not know the answer to this question. We observe, we theorize, we speculate and hypothesize. But in the end, only the individual victim can determine what they have lost in the dynamic – and it is often far more than material goods. In a certain sense, it seems that psychopaths are soul eaters or “Psychophagic.”

Conscience seems to depend on the ability to imagine consequences. But most “consequences” relate to pain in some way, and psychopaths really don’t understand pain in the emotional sense. They understand frustration of not getting what they want, and to them, that is pain. But the fact seems to be that they act based solely on a sort of Game Theory evaluation of a situation: what will they get out of it, and what will it cost? And these “costs” have nothing to do with being humiliated, causing pain, sabotaging the future, or any of the other possibilities that normal people consider when making a choice. In short, it is almost impossible for normal people to even imagine the inner life of the psychopath.

This leads us to what psychopaths DO have that is truly outstanding: an ability to give their undivided attention to something that interests them intensely. Some clinicians have compared this to the concentration with which a predator stalks his prey. This is useful if one is in an environment with few variables, but most real life situations require us to pay attention to a number of things at once. Psychopaths often pay so much attention to getting what they want that they fail to notice danger signals.

It should be emphasized that psychopaths are interesting as all get out – even exciting! They exude a captivating energy that keeps their listeners on the edge of their seats. Even if some part of the normal person is shocked or repelled by what the psychopath says, they are like the mouse hypnotized by the torturing cat. Even if they have the chance to run away, they don’t. Many Psychopaths “make their living” by using charm, deceit, and manipulation to gain the confidence of their victims. Many of them can be found in white collar professions where they are aided in their evil by the fact that most people expect certain classes of people to be trustworthy because of their social or professional credentials. Lawyers, doctors, teachers, politicians, psychiatrists and psychologists, generally do not have to earn our trust because they have it by virtue of their positions. But the fact is: psychopaths are found in such lofty spheres also!

At the same time, psychopaths are good imposters. They have absolutely no hesitation about forging and brazenly using impressive credentials to adopt professional roles that bring prestige and power. They pick professions in which the requisite skills are easy to fake, the jargon is easy to learn, and the credentials are unlikely to be thoroughly checked. Psychopaths find it extremely easy to pose as financial consultants, ministers, psychological counselors and psychologists. And that’s a scary thought.

Psychopaths make their way by conning people into doing things for them; obtaining money for them, prestige, power, or even standing up for them when others try to expose them. But that is their claim to fame. That’s what they do. And they do it very well. What’s more, the job is very easy because most people are gullible with an unshakable belief in the inherent goodness of man.

Manipulation is the key to the psychopath’s conquests. Initially, the psychopath will feign false emotions to create empathy, and many of them study the tricks that can be employed by the empathy technique. Psychopaths are often able to incite pity from people because they seem like “lost souls” as Guggenbuhl-Craig writes. So the pity factor is one reason why victims often fall for these “poor” people.

Even more amazing is the fact that when psychopaths do get exposed by someone who is not afraid to admit that they have been conned, the psychopath is a master at painting their victims as the “real culprits.” Hare cites a case of the third wife of a forty year old high school teacher:
For five years he cheated on me, kept me living in fear, and forged checks on my personal bank account. But everyone, including my doctor and lawyer and my friends, blamed me for the problem. He had them so convinced that he was a great guy and that I was going mad, I began to believe it myself. Even when he cleaned out my bank account and ran off with a seventeen-year-old student, a lot of people couldn’t believe it, and some wanted to know what I had done to make him act so strangely!

Psychopaths just have what it takes to defraud and bilk others: they can be fast talkers, they can be charming, they can be self-assured and at ease in social situations; they are cool under pressure, unfazed by the possibility of being found out, and totally ruthless. And even when they are exposed, they can carry on as if nothing has happened, often making their accusers the targets of accusations of being victimized by THEM.

I was once dumbfounded by the logic of an inmate who described his murder victim as having benefited from the crime by learning “a hard lesson about life.” [Hare]

The victims keep asking: “How could I have been so stupid? How could I have fallen for that incredible line of baloney?” And, of course, if they don’t ask it of themselves, you can be sure that their friends and associates will ask “How on earth could you have been taken in to that extent?”

The usual answer: “You had to be there” simply does not convey the whole thing. Hare writes:
What makes psychopaths different from all others is the remarkable ease with which they lie, the pervasiveness of their deception, and the callousness with which they carry it out.

But there is something else about the speech of psychopaths that is equally puzzling: their frequent use of contradictory and logically inconsistent statements that usually escape detection. Recent research on the language of psychopaths provides us with some important clues to this puzzle, as well as to the uncanny ability psychopaths have to move words – and people- around so easily. […]

Those of us who have had experiences with psychopaths know that the language of the psychopath is two-dimensional. They are, as someone once said, as “deep as a thimble.” An analogy is given of the psychopath as a color blind person who has learned how to function in the world of color by special strategies. They may tell you that they “stopped at a red light,” but what it really means to them is that they knew that the light at the top means “stop,” and they stopped. They call it the “red” light like everyone else, but they have no experience of what “red” really is.
A person who is color blind who has developed such coping mechanisms, is virtually undetectable from people who see colors.

Psychopaths use words about emotions the same way people who are color blind use words about colors they cannot perceive. Psychopaths not only learn to use the words more or less appropriately, they learn to pantomime the feeling. But they never HAVE the feeling.

In the book Violent Attachments, women and men have noted the particular stare of the psychopath – it is an intense, relentless gaze that seems to preclude his destruction of his victim or target. Women, in particular, have reported this stare, which is related to the “predatorial” (reptilian) gaze; it is as if the psychopath is directing all of his intensity toward you through his eyes, a sensation that one woman reported as a feeling of “being eaten.” They tend to invade peoples’ space either by their sudden intrusions or intimidating look-overs (which some women confuse for sexuality.)

Another extremely interesting study had to do with the way psychopaths move their hands when they speak. Hand movement can tell researchers a lot about what are called “thought units.” The studies indicate that psychopaths’ thoughts and ideas are organized into small mental packages. This is handy for lying, but makes dealing with an overall, coherent, integrated complex of deep thoughts virtually impossible.

Psychopaths are notorious for not answering the questions asked them. They will answer something else, or in such a way that the direct question is never addressed. They also phrase things so that some parts of their narratives are difficult to understand. This is not careless speech, of which everyone is guilty at times, but an ongoing indication of the underlying condition in which the organization of mental activity suggests something is wrong. It’s not what they say, but how they say it that gives insight into their true nature.

But this raises, again, the question: if their speech is so odd, how come smart people get taken in by them? Why do we fail to pick up the inconsistencies?

Part of the answer is that the oddities are subtle so that our general listening mode will not normally pick them up. But my own experience is that some of the “skipped” or oddly arranged words, or misused words are automatically reinterpreted by OUR brains in the same way we automatically “fill in the blank” space on a neon sign when one of the letters has gone out. We can be driving down the road at night, and ahead we see M_tel, and we mentally put the “o” in place and read “Motel.” Something like this happens between the psychopath and the victim. We fill in the “missing humanness” by filling in the blanks with our own assumptions, based on what WE think and feel and mean. And, in this way, because there are these “blank” spots, we fill them in with what is inside us, and thus we are easily convinced that the psychopath is a great guy – because he is just like us! We have been conditioned to operate on trust, and we always try to give the “benefit of the doubt.” So, there are blanks, we “give the benefit of the doubt,” and we are thereby hoisted on our own petard.

They will pose as grief counselors, or “experts” of various sorts that attract followings of people who are looking for answers. They are masters of recognizing “hang-ups” and self-doubts that most people have, and they will brazenly pander to them to gain a follower to use later. Hare tells of a staff psychologist in a mental hospital whose life was destroyed by a psychopathic patient. He cleaned out her bank account, maxed out her credit cards, and then disappeared. How did he get to her? She said that her life had been “empty” and she had just simply succumbed to his sweet words and verbal caresses. As we already know, such words are cheap legal tender to the psychopath. They can say “I’ll pray for you,” or “I love you” just to create an impression. It really, really doesn’t mean a thing. But some people are so lonely and so desperate that even imitations are better than nothing.

Then, of course, there are people who are just simply so psychologically damaged themselves that the psychopath is the obvious choice for a partner. They may have a need to be treated badly, or a need to be excited by danger, or a need to “rescue” or “fix” somebody whose soul is in obvious peril.

In a book about Richard Ramirez, the Satan-worshipping “night Stalker,” the author described a young coed who sat through the pretrial hearings and sent love letters and photographs of herself to Ramirez. “I feel such compassion for him. When I look at him, I see a real handsome guy who just messed up his life because he never had anyone to guide him,” she is reported to have said. [Hare]

Sadly, as we see, psychopaths have no lack of victims because so many people are ready and willing to play the role. And in many, many cases, the victim simply refuses to believe the evidence that they are being victimized. Psychological denial screens out knowledge that is painful, and persons with large investments in their fantasies are often unable to acknowledge that they are being deceived because it it too painful. Most often, these are women who rigidly adhere to the traditional role of the female with a strong sense of duty to be a “good wife.” She will believe that if she tries harder or simply waits it out, her husband will reform. When he ignores her, abuses her, cheats on her, or uses her, she can simply just decide to “try harder, put more energy into the relationship, and take better care of him.” She believes that if she does this, eventually he will notice and will see how valuable she is, and then he will fall on his knees in gratitude and treat her like a queen.

Dream on.

The fact is, such a woman, with her fierce commitment to such a man, her dedication to being a proper wife, has allowed such fairy tales to distort her sense of reality. The reality is that she is doomed to a lifetime of abuse and disappointment until “death do us part.”

One of the basic assumptions of psychotherapy is that the patient needs and wants help for distressing or painful psychological and emotional problems. The psychopath does not think that they have any psychological or emotional problems, and they see no reason to change their behavior to conform to standards with which they do not agree. They are well-satisfied with themselves and their inner landscape. They see nothing wrong with they way they think or act, and they never look back with regret or forward with concern. They perceive themselves as superior beings in a hostile world in which others are competitors for power and resources. They feel it is the optimum thing to do to manipulate and deceive others in order to obtain what they want.

Most therapy programs only provide them with new excuses for their behavior as well as new insights into the vulnerabilities of others. Through psychotherapy, they learn new and better ways of manipulating. What they do NOT do is make any effort to change their own views and attitudes.

Psychopaths are not “fragile” individuals, as Robert Hare says after years of research. What they think and do is produced from a “rock solid personality structure that is extremely resistant to outside influences.” Many of them are protected for years from the consequences of their behavior by well-meaning family and friends. As long as their behavior remains unchecked or unpunished, they continue to go through life without too much inconvenience.
Some researchers think that psychopathy is the result of some attachment or bonding difficulty as an infant. Dr. Hare has turned the idea around, after all his years digging into the background of psychopaths. He says:
In some children the very failure to bond is a symptom of psychopathy. It is likely that these children lack the capacity to bond readily, and that their lack of attachment is largely the result, not the cause, of psychopathy. [Hare]
In other words: they are born that way and you can’t fix them.

To many people, the idea of a child psychopath is almost unthinkable. But the fact is, true psychopaths are born, not made. Oh, indeed, there is the psychopath that is “made,” but they are generally different from the born psychopath in a number of ways.
————————————————————
Eight Ways to Spot Emotional Manipulation
Emotional Manipulation is Also “Covert Aggression.” See: “Psychopaths: Wolves in Sheep’s Clothing” Here is a list adapted from an article by Fiona McColl

1.    There is no use in trying to be honest with an emotional manipulator. You make a statement and it will be turned around. Example: I am really angry that you forgot my birthday. Response – “It makes me feel sad that you would think I would forget your birthday, I should have told you of the great personal stress I am facing at the moment – but you see I didn’t want to trouble you. You are right I should have put all this pain (don’t be surprised to see real tears at this point) aside and focused on your birthday. Sorry.” Even as you are hearing the words you get the creeped out sensation that they really do NOT mean they are sorry at all – but since they’ve said the words you’re pretty much left with nothing more to say. Either that or you suddenly find yourself babysitting their angst!! Under all circumstances if you feel this angle is being played – don’t capitulate! Do not care take – do not accept an apology that feels like bullshit. If it feels like bullshit – it probably is. Rule number one – if dealing with an emotional blackmailer TRUST your gut. TRUST your senses. Once an emotional manipulator finds a successful maneuver – it’s added to their hit list and you’ll be fed a steady diet of this shit.

2.    An emotional manipulator is the picture of a willing helper. If you ask them to do something they will almost always agree – that is IF they didn’t volunteer to do it first. Then when you say, “ok thanks” – they make a bunch of heavy sighs, or other non verbal signs that let you know they don’t really want to do whatever said thing happens to be. When you tell them it doesn’t seem like they want to do whatever – they will turn it around and try to make it seem like OF COURSE they wanted to and how unreasonable you are. This is a form of crazy making – which is something emotional manipulators are very good at. Rule number two – If an emotional manipulator said YES – make them accountable for it. Do NOT buy into the sighs and subtleties – if they don’t want to do it – make them tell you it up front – or just put on the walk-man headphones and run a bath and leave them to their theater.

3.    Crazy making – saying one thing and later assuring you they did not say it.If you find yourself in a relationship where you figure you should start keeping a log of what’s been said because you are beginning to question your own sanity –You are experiencing emotional manipulation. An emotional manipulator is an expert in turning things around, rationalizing, justifying and explaining things away. They can lie so smoothly that you can sit looking at black and they’ll call it white – and argue so persuasively that you begin to doubt your very senses. Over a period of time this is so insidious and eroding it can literally alter your sense of reality. WARNING: Emotional Manipulation is VERY Dangerous! It is very disconcerting for an emotional manipulator if you begin carrying a pad of paper and a pen and making notations during conversations. Feel free to let them know you just are feeling so “forgetful” these days that you want to record their words for posterity’s sake. The damndest thing about this is that having to do such a thing is a clear example for why you should be seriously thinking about removing yourself from range in the first place. If you’re toting a notebook to safeguard yourself – that ol’ bullshit meter should be flashing steady by now!

4.    Guilt. Emotional manipulators are excellent guilt mongers. They can make you feel guilty for speaking up or not speaking up, for being emotional or not being emotional enough, for giving and caring, or for not giving and caring enough. Any thing is fair game and open to guilt with an emotional manipulator. Emotional manipulators seldom express their needs or desires openly – they get what they want through emotional manipulation. Guilt is not the only form of this but it is a potent one. Most of us are pretty conditioned to do whatever is necessary to reduce our feelings of guilt. Another powerful emotion that is used is sympathy. An emotional manipulator is a great victim. They inspire a profound sense of needing to support, care for and nurture. Emotional Manipulators seldom fight their own fights or do their own dirty work. The crazy thing is that when you do it for them (which they will never ask directly for), they may just turn around and say they certainly didn’t want or expect you to do anything! Try to make a point of not fighting other people’s battles, or doing their dirty work for them. A great line is “I have every confidence in your ability to work this out on your own” – check out the response and note the bullshit meter once again.

5.    Emotional manipulators fight dirty. They don’t deal with things directly. They will talk around behind your back and eventually put others in the position of telling you what they would not say themselves. They are passive aggressive, meaning they find subtle ways of letting you know they are not happy little campers. They’ll tell you what they think you want to hear and then do a bunch of jerk off shit to undermine it. Example: “Of course I want you to go back to school honey and you know I’ll support you.” Then exam night you are sitting at the table and poker buddies show up, the kids are crying the t.v. blasting and the dog needs walking – all the while “Sweetie” is sitting on their ass looking at you blankly. Dare you call them on such behavior you are likely to hear, “well you can’t expect life to just stop because you have an exam can you honey?” Cry, scream or choke ‘em – only the last will have any long-term benefits and it’ll probably wind your butt in jail.

6.    If you have a headache an emotional manipulator will have a brain tumor! No matter what your situation is the emotional manipulator has probably been there or is there now – but only ten times worse. It’s hard after a period of time to feel emotionally connected to an emotional manipulator because they have a way of de-railing conversations and putting the spotlight back on themselves. If you call them on this behavior they will likely become deeply wounded or very petulant and call you selfish – or claim that it is you who are always in the spotlight. The thing is that even tho you know this is not the case you are left with the impossible task of proving it. Don’t bother – TRUST your gut and walk away!

7.    Emotional manipulators somehow have the ability to impact the emotional climate of those around them. When an emotional manipulator is sad or angry the very room thrums with it – it brings a deep instinctual response to find someway to equalize the emotional climate and the quickest route is by making the emotional manipulator feel better – fixing whatever is broken for them. Stick with this type of loser for too long and you will be so enmeshed and co-dependent you will forget you even have needs – let alone that you have just as much right to have your needs met.

8.    Emotional manipulators have no sense of accountability. They take no responsibility for themselves or their behavior – it is always about what everyone else has “done to them”. One of the easiest ways to spot an emotional manipulator is that they often attempt to establish intimacy through the early sharing of deeply personal information that is generally of the “hook-you-in-and-make-you-sorry-for-me” variety. Initially you may perceive this type of person as very sensitive, emotionally open and maybe a little vulnerable. Believe me when I say that an emotional manipulator is about as vulnerable as a rabid pit bull, and there will always be a problem or a crisis to overcome.

December
March 20 at 12:37pm
Actually, pounding some stakes into the ground might be kinda invigorating!  Work it!!

Nadia
March 20 at 3:48pm
That information is CRAZY and chillingly accurate in a lot of ways.  Well, we’re pretty astute in our diagnosis early on!  And cool that you sent it to scumbag, it makes it so obvious.

Today at lunch I got a call from his friend in India who was shocked and sickened by this.  He doesn’t think he can remain friends with him anymore, he loved Volga and was shocked that he was capable of this.  He was also crying.  Felt good to have ONE of his friends in our corner!

Just thinking of his friend Rob that was moving in with his gf, which I didn’t know about, and I introduced him to my friend who he messed around with.  I was mad at scumbag for letting it happen and he got MAD at me, for being hard on the guy!  Oh the warning signs!!!

Anyway, it’s a mix of absolute downpours and sunny breaks here, exactly like my mood!  Lol hope you are having more sun than downpour in your mood!

Hugs,
Nadia

December
March 20 at 4:49pm
Lol the weather here is definitely a mixed bag too – but I’m smiling for the most part so that’s ok.  I’m nervous about going out – super excited, but I know how suddenly my mood can change to fear and disorientation lol.
Oh well I’m a big girl.

Ya you know, he ALWAYS used to defend men who were cheating!!!!  OMGGGGGGGGG but he always defends EVERYONE all the fucking TIME so I never thought much of it except that he was an idiot for defending them.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWD.

Nadia
March 20 at 5:03pm
Oh dear Lord, I’m just home from work and got to read that article in its entirety, and the signs at the bottom.  It fits PERFECTLY.  Everything.  Wow.  It’s hugely comforting actually, and I think it’s going to make the healing easier, to know that he is actually sick.  Sick with psychopathy, and unfortunately there is no cure.

Wow.

What a brilliant article, where did you find it?  I’m going to post it on my fb!

December
March 20 at 5:06pm

I’m heading out to this dinner thing followed by WHO KNOWS WHAT – maybe nothing….. wish me luck and have a really good evening whetever you end up doing too!  Chat soon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nadia
March 20 at 5:15pm
Thanks hope you have such a great night, and get to laugh lots!!!!  I’m having a quiet night tonight but going out tomorrow for sure!!!!  So excited!!!

I’ll let you know what my therapist says lol.

Take care, chat soon!   Nads

December
March 20 at 5:17pm
Yes please do let me know thanks!!!!!!

Nadia
March 20 at 11:27pm
Hope you had a fantastic night, full of JOY and friends and flirting?!?!  Damn, flirting is good medicine!  The guy I’m going to see tomorrow is writing a paper on the human geography aspects of a nightclub, so we’re going to a club to do ‘research’ lol I’ll try not to distract him, uh NOT.

As for the therapy appt. today, omg that was the most fantastic present I could give myself, I motor-mouthed and CRIED a lot which felt great, and she told me something interesting toward the end… whenever I had been getting messages from Douchebag or difficult messages about this at all, I would get these incredible body shakes.  She just randomly started telling me about trauma and how animals will go off and shake from the adrenaline er I can’t remember what chemical actually, but humans suppress this reaction because it seems really fucked up.  But it’s just the body processing the trauma and its a really good thing!  Like vets from WW1 would come home and be totally shaky men as they recovered from war, but nowadays vets don’t do it as we’ve become to self-conscious of not looking crazy above all else.

There’s a therapy called TEP and its a body-centered therapy which I think I would love to try because I’m so familiar with my mind’s functioning, but I know my body has a lot to say that I don’t know how to interpret.

But I’m feeling really good right now and happy!!!!  Just watched Beverly Hills Chihuahua with two of my nieces, and as always I’m the only one crying by the end of the movie hahahaha random memory: any movie we used to go to as kids (the first one ever being He-Man and She-Ra) I would be crying by the end of it, but embarrassed by that, and I’d come up with cute excuses like my leg hurt, or I lost my loonie!!  Thank God I don’t get embarrassed anymore, and I just SOB in the theatre, feels so good.

Well have a good sleep, I’m soooooo ready to conk out, sweet dreams!
Nadia

December
March 21 at 12:29am
I had a brutal night.

Nadia
March 21 at 12:54am
Aw honey, its okay!  Its okay NOT to be okay!  Fuck the mundane world!

The night is over now, it will be better tomorrow, I promise

Now…. I DO remember making out with Jamie, the dude my friend set me up with, and I DO remember going off into the other part of the bar with him to continue making out, but I do NOT remember biting his lip, which apparently I did because he jumped back and yelled at me and I THINK he called me a fucking bitch.  It was not good.

OMG LOL!!!!!!! I don’t even remember biting him lol.  Why would I do that????  We were having a lot of fun kissing ha ha.

So then I was a mess, I took my girlfriend into the bathroom and told her what happened and I was bawling and after that I realized the night was over for me so I just slipped out the door and grabbed a cab home.

This morning I woke up and my old, decrepit cat Old Henry who is NOT allowed to go outside EVER was sitting outside on the front porch wanting to come in.  I must have let him outside when I came home!!!  AND this morning I have a message from Volga saying how much it hurt him to hear me crying on the phone….. OMG I DO NOT REMEMBER PHONING HIM and leaving a message!!!!!!!!!!!! FUUUUUUUCK HOW DRUNK WAS I???????????????????????????????

Lol your therapy was much healthier than mine ha ha.

D

Nadia
March 21 at 9:40am
What a dick, he got a love bite and freaked out?!  I do that when its really good, I can’t help it!  I’ve had guys say it hurts and I don’t realize I did it either, and that’s SOBER so I think it’s normal!  Unfortunately the dude last night had to be a pansy about it!  Grrrrrrrr!!!!!

So you phoned him!  At least you didn’t hear him respond directly!  No big deal, did you check your phone log to see how long it was?  Maybe it was only a minute or so, maybe you said some choice things!!

Even the yellow pages should have something under therapists or counselors.  And don’t be shy to try someone different until you get someone right for you.  Therapy is exhausting but gives you different kinds of tools to heal.  And mine said also it was fine to talk about my/your story in any way to anyone we wanted.  It’s OUR story, and if he doesn’t want it public then he shouldn’t have done it!  We can talk about what happens in our life freely without guilt!

Ha ha look at me, on the phone internet before I’ve even gotten out of bed- I was worried when you wrote ‘brutal night’ but thanks for writing this morning, sounds like you met an immature freak and had a completely understandable reaction.

Ok now check out those therapy links and listings!!  Lol

Hugs, Nads

December
March 21 at 10:02am
One minute 36 seconds – of course i checked lol!
And I have NO CLUE WHAT I SAID – maybe I was just crying?  How awful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HA H AH AH

Going out for breakfast, will check the links when i get back.
Thanks babe!!!!

Anything I have asked God for in the prayer below, I also pray for you, my precious Nadia, for your healing. You are always in my prayers these days FYI.

——————
Dear God,

Please help me.  Help me to find understanding and compassion.  Please forgive me for the mistakes I have made.  Please don’t let me become incapable of love.  Please don’t let me shut down and become hard.  Please help me to find forgiveness.  Please help me to remain open.  Please don’t let me resort to hatred or wrongdoing.  Please fill me up with love and light and goodness.

Please forgive Volga for what he has done.  Please do not let this harden him even more.  He was closed when I met him, and he had really begun to open.  Please let him continue his journey towards experiencing deep and lasting love.  I want him to know this feeling.  Please help him to forgive himself and move forward in his life.  Volga has something great to contribute to this world.  Please help him to remain open.  He has a lot to give.  Please don’t let him repeat his mistakes in the future.  Please protect him from great pain.  Please grant him healing and fill him with soft white, loving light.  Please heal him and help him through this time.  Please grant him peace inside his heart and mind.

Dear God, please help me to feel compassion and forgiveness and acceptance.  I am not perfect, and I am thankful for the good times and the lessons I have learned.  Please help me find peace inside my heart and mind.  Please help me to be strong, sensitive, and free.

Thank You
December

Nadia
March 22 at 1:17pm
Oh December,

You are such an evolved being.  I couldn’t hope to pray for what you have prayed for.  But I can pray for your heart’s wishes to come true for you, and if forgiveness is part of that path, then I fully wish it for you.

I have no ability to fathom forgiveness in my heart right now.  I don’t feel he has any power over me any more, and I don’t blame him for messing me up, because I’m not messed up.  So really the only thing I can do is give his case to God and know that will be perfect.   Someone told me once that everyone is doing the best that they can possibly do.  Which actually does comfort me.  That WAS the best he could do, and it wasn’t fair, it wasn’t right, but its all he could do according to his conditioning.

I dreamed about him last night and I pray to God to never let that happen again.  He was slime in the dream but I accepted it.  BARF.

I went out dancing last night to incredible DJ, I don’t know if you like this kind of sound but shit I was in heaven www.myspace.com/boreta WOW.
I’ve been given such a wonderful distraction in the form of this new crush, but I vow not to rush into anything, just to get to know the freaking guy.  I did tell him briefly what the story was, I thought it might be easier if he knew than piecing it together somehow.

Many blessing upon you to have those prayers in your heart.  You are truly outstanding.  I suppose I pray for his healing only so that others are not hurt by him.  Maybe one day I will wish him well, but that day is a long time off.

Love, Nadia

December
March 22 at 1:36pm
Thanks Nadia… I’m not that evolved lol, not really.  I just know that channeling these positive thoughts feels more…. RIGHT to me.  It is just not in my nature to go the other way and when I am trying to go AGAINST my nature, it feels wrong.  When I was younger and dating that fuckhead Chester, I let him do me REALLY WRONG because of my nature… the difference between then and now is just that I wont let someone hurt me in the name of my nature, but I have to care about them and wish the best for them.  I can’t help it.

We are all on a journey….. including Volga… and some of us are WAY less evolved than others.  The road to hell is also paved with good intentions as you know.

I, like you, am leaving it in God’s hands now…. he will have to handle Volga’s case lol.  But I have to have peace in my heart if I want to remain open, and that’s all there is to it.  I refuse to let this shit alter my being in a negative way and I urge you to focus on the same thing.

I’m so excited you have a crush – I would LOVE to have one.  I realize its waaaaaaay too soon to be thinking such things, but you know, it really does help to have a distraction.  So enjoy it.  Love it.  You deserve it.

And please don’t let anyone take advantage of you…. stay strong and keep your eyes open.  Your heart too.

I wish you were here, I’m about to do some serious landscaping in my yard and I could use your expertise lol.

D

Nadia
March 22 at 1:49pm
Lol that will be so awesome!  To create a beautiful space to enjoy outside!  Working outdoors has also been very healing for me, for many things.  If you get stuck or just want an idea tossed around, you can always send a pic of what is there now, maybe that’s too intimate, but the offer is always open.

I think I have just really really compartmentalized my disgust for Volga, I don’t feel it leaking into my feelings toward other men.  But yes, you’re right I do need to keep my eyes open, and not ignore any signs of evasiveness.  My heart will be open til the day I die, and even then.  It’s just who I am.  I am just fiercely protective of myself, though you wouldn’t know it to think why I stayed in this for so long.  maybe that’s where I need to forgive.  I’ll start there.

But it’s like if someone’s done me wrong, I wont go around HATING them actively and feeling that stain of blame and anger in my own life.  But I will eject them from my life altogether and hopefully my thoughts soon too.  And that makes me feel GOOD!

And yes the crush is so good right now…. and can you believe he’s white.  But kind of rugged, if thin.

Man, now I have to focus on school for real or i will screw myself!!!  I need a stop button on time!!!

Love, Nads

December
March 22 at 1:56pm
Lol ok focus.  I’m going to see my sister-in-law Melissa.  My brother Jamie is just flying to Victoria to take baby Abby to the Childrens Hospital.  She has pneumonia, they think, and stopped breathing twice last night, once for like 45 seconds.

Melissa is taking the other baby Victoria to meet them in Vic so I need to send her off with some serious love.

Chat Soon

Nadia
March 22 at 2:03pm
Oh Jesus, that is a scary thing, I’m so happy she’s on her way to the hospital.  Just goes to show, in the big scheme of things, what’s important.

Hugs!!!!

December
March 22 at 11:03pm
I just need to know if he made it home safely to Vancouver yesterday.
And his phone is off and he’s not answering emails… I don’t want him to DIE!  I wish he would send me a message so I know if he is alive.

Nadia
March 22 at 11:09pm
I’m sure he wants you to worry about him, and is conscientiously not answering.  It’s more manipulation.  He won’t die, he would already have done it.  He is playing the victim and who is going to believe him???

Why do I have NO PITY for him?  I’m usually that kind of person that cares about everyone, even assholes.  I’ve never been done so wrong.  Hmmmm I will look into this forgiveness thing, I understand it is an internal process, and frees oneself from the energetic bondage of that person.

He’s got nothing to say, and hopes that we worry about him, I’m very sure of this.  If he was dead we would hear about it from Gary or Jared.

December
March 22 at 11:10pm
Well that’s EXACTLY why I’m doing it!!!!!!!!  Ha ha ha h did you think i was doing it for him???  Or because I’m more evolved?????

Oooh no no no lol I’m doing it for own selfish reason!!!!!!!!!  MWAH HA HA HA

December
March 22 at 11:12pm
He was pretty messed up at my house – you can’t fake that kind of pain.  He gets pretty emotional…….. I broke up with him over a year ago and he curled up into a bawl on the floor and cried like crazy.  And if we had a big fight and he was crying he would take off to Vancouver in that state – gawd it always worried me so much because his emotions are so wild I always thought he would crash.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK

I’m free from this emotional torture.

December
March 22 at 11:15pm
Ah don’t listen to me I’m SO LONELY today, I miss my friend and my companion.  I’ll get over it.

Nadia
March 22 at 11:19pm
Ahhhhhhh who’s the smart bitch now?!?!  Lol there’s a song on the radio these days all about ‘gotta get you outta my system…. your love is like poison’ I hate having that stuck in my head!!!!!!!

I just had a ‘study session’ with a girlfriend who is destroyed because her ex is going out with someone new.  And she’s accusing him of lying and leading her on… even with our story right there next to hers she couldn’t see how much holding on to her pain was keeping her down.  It’s been 2 weeks and she still cant really eat.  I guess everyone has to feel their pain and process it according to their own karma, but I think both our pain processors are in mighty fine shape.  The bottom line is “he’s just not worthy” in any of these stories, so why even want to be with him anymore.  The body takes time to catch up with the mind though, I do understand.

Would you understand if I just take the last post you made off my wall?  I did tell the new guy about it briefly but don’t want it too much in his face when he sees my page…. lol what a weird thing to try to be juggling, pain and pleasure.

December
March 22 at 11:20pm
Omg ya sorry!!!!!  Of course do what you need to do!

December
March 22 at 11:21pm
I’ll use this system from now on.  Good for you for keeping it low key.  Nothing grosser than trying to date someone who goes on about their last relationship and how bad it was.

Nadia
March 22 at 11:22pm
I saw that emotion come out but I believed it was authentic to what he was telling me, and it was just his own frustration at himself that he directed at me.  So I just cant trust that what he’s feeling is anything like real remorse.

But you know him better than I do.  That’s for sure.

December
March 22 at 11:23pm
Or do I?

December
March 22 at 11:23pm
MEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Nadia
March 22 at 11:24pm
Yes.  Don’t doubt it!

December
March 22 at 11:25pm
What are you studying anyways???

Nadia
March 22 at 11:31pm
I want to get into environmental design which is an undergraduate degree.  I did a diploma in horticulture, 2 years full time, and NONE of it transfers, so I’m stuck doing the first two years all over again.  The first two years are just prerequisites like physics and geography, and filled up with whatever courses to make 60 credits, so I’m doing religious studies, human geography, psychology, biology etc… it’s a real first year liberal arts education, very useful hahahaha.

If I make it through this degree I would love to get a landscape architecture degree, but that’s a lot of school.  I’m sick of it already hahahaha.

I just knew I couldn’t do landscaping forever and didn’t want to run a landscaping company, I am not very entrepreneurial by nature and would rather have some credentials behind me.  And with the economy like this, I’m happy to be in school!!!!

December
March 22 at 11:33pm
Very cool!  I never did any kind of post grad education, I’ve always been an entrepreneurial spirit and a wanderer.  I had a successful band for a few years and have had a couple businesses and worked a MILLION jobs… but I’ve often thought about going back to school and becoming… SOMETHING.  But I probably never will lol.  Everything I’ve done until this point however has led me to where i am now – doing marketing for my own company and planning events for the pub. It’s soooooo fun.

Nadia
March 22 at 11:39pm
I am totally envious of people that have that naturally.  But cant fight your nature, right?  If I did, I would be designing people’s gardens already, and contracting out to construction companies to do the work.  But the longer I work in the industry, the more I learn that will serve me as an architect.  I really am still quite green.  What’s the rush too…
some people go right from high school to university to grad school to the rest of the shit show and never take the time to discover themselves.

I’ve spent the last 10 years doing just that and I have absolutely no regrets!!!  I bet it’s part of the reason people are drawn to us and our energy, we have really done some living and know ourselves deeply.  Ya think?

December
March 22 at 11:44pm
Well exactly, there are different types of people to fill different roles in life.  We cant all be the same.

And I think that’s exactly why people are drawn to us – and they are, I have always had people be drawn to me (FREAKS MOSTLY HA HA).  I think it’s because we have done some living and we know what we’re doing!!!!!!!!!!!!

We’re pretty smart for a couple of broads!!!!

Gawd it feels fantastic to make good on my beliefs in a time of crisis and find that I am NOT a hypocrite.  My faith gets tested all the time but not shaken.  I still believe in Fate and Destiny and all that good stuff even when I’m getting my ass kicked.

And you are amazing like that too.  And you don’t take crap from no-one lol.

December
March 22 at 11:47pm
How come you don’t show up in my list of people who are online and available to chat?  Do you disable your chat?

December
March 22 at 11:52pm
So whats the dillio with this new dude?  Is he awesome?  Is he treating you well?

I’m scared I will never find someone who makes me feel the way Volga did when we went out or whatever – I’m sure I don’t have to tell you what he was like – always paying for everything and opening the doors and super generous and attentive.  Ya it was all FAKE lol but didn’t it make you feel good?

Does this new guy treat you that way?  Do you think there are more men out there who will?

Also I’ve been laughing because when i first met you I swore a lot and you didn’t so i thought maybe I was the only trucker but i see you are a trucker too.  Why am I not surprised.

Nadia
March 22 at 11:52pm
Hahahah thank you!  That’s something to be proud of!

If fate + destiny = higher purpose, then yeah I’m definitely on board with that.  There hasn’t been any hard situation that I haven’t grown immensely from.  It’s all part of the present moment, and part of our incredibleness!!!!

That is truly outstanding to have such a strong vision.  Especially when it feels like things are falling apart.  But things have to fall for something fresh to grow in its place.

Ahhhh midnight, I gotta tuck myself in.  Jesus I didn’t get that much sleep last night, no wonder I can’t study!!!

Have a wonderful sleep tonight, and a great first day back to the ‘normal’ world, and it felt good for me to go back to work and be with people that were making me laugh all day!  I bet you have some awesome coworkers.

Night night!
Love Nads

December
March 22 at 11:54pm
Yes ma’am you have a good sleep, I was thinking the same thing.  And I really need my beauty sleep.  These eyes have been cryin’ for a week!!!!!  Poor little eyes.

Take care and chat soon!!!!!  Sweet dreams!!

Decee

Nadia
March 22 at 11:59pm
Oops gotta respond first to your last msg! lol

Well to be honest, I don’t even know this new guy, we’ve had 2 real dates.  But he’s warm and awesome and funny and is the best kisser…. which is not something I’ve had in the last 5 years.   But yes there is DEFINITELY someone out there who will make you feel like you did before, and without the doubts too!!!  This guy doesn’t even have a CELL PHONE so I can’t get all into addictive patterns around that with him which is awesome.

Oh yeah i sent you a msg on chat today… saying it was my first time back on chat since this happened, I couldn’t handle who would be on there.  But maybe its easier than these letters?  I don’t know, I kinda like these!  I can turn it on for sure though.

I am such a dirty mouth!  I swear at school inadvertently or around kids, I just have a very bad habit about that!!!!!  I blame it on my mama lol, she swore a blue streak when she got road rage hahahaha.

December
March 23 at 12:00am
Omg Volga is the WORST kisser isn’t he?

December
March 23 at 12:01am
What do you mean who would be on there?  You mean Volga? how could you chat with Volga on Facebook?  He’s not even on Facebook.

December
March 23 at 12:02am
Wait don’t leave yet lol.

Nadia
March 23 at 12:02am
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA omg I’m laughing so hard.  I was scared to say something in case he was good with you and just shit with me, but nope.  He’s just a bad kisser!  Hahahahahahaha

December
March 23 at 12:03am
You know after I saw those pics on your Facebook of you and him,  I told him I was going to be accompanying him to the track the next time he went.  Can you imagine what would have happened if I had gone along?
There’s no way you and I would be friends right now because all hell would have broken loose and we probably would have hated each other.

Nadia
March 23 at 12:04am
Oh no, haha not Volga.  Just you know, Facebook friends that want all the details but I don’t feel like telling everyone.  I don’t really like most of my Facebook friends, how awful is that!!!!

December
March 23 at 12:04am
OMGGGGGGGGGGG that’s the funniest thing ever.  I wanted to say something to you as well but didn’t for the same reason LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The worst kisser!!!!  And I tried to tell him but he got all defensive and couldn’t believe it.  Then I tried to SHOW him how it was supposed to be done lol once in a while he would get the picture and soften his fucking lips, but it actually got the point where I did not want to kiss him anymore it was such a turn off.

HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

December
March 23 at 12:05am
LOL oh phew my heart skipped a beat when you said that cuz I thought he had some OTHER secret like a secret profile GAWD I HATE HIM.

December
March 23 at 12:06am
Gawd and you know what’s so funny – KISSING is one of my favourite things on earth when done correctly.  It was SOOOOOOOOO hard being with a bad kisser for so long!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nadia
March 23 at 12:06am

That is so true.  There was one time I surprised him at the track!  He was PISSY.  Imagine if you had come with him!!!  I would have made the BIGGEST SCENE!!!!  That could have been awesome lol I really would have kicked him in the balls.  So you really had the feeling about me eh?  He didn’t want me putting any pics up on Facebook and I didn’t for the most part.  So naive!!!!!!!

December
March 23 at 12:07am
I’ll never forget our first kiss, I was all excited thinking we would work into this amazing, romantic, slow and DREAMY first kiss… and he FUCKED IT Up – he just dove in, nearly choked me with his tongue, ramming it in GAWD.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWD

December
March 23 at 12:07am
LOL!

Nadia
March 23 at 12:08am
And now there is much kissing to be done!  I am such a fan I forgot how good it is!!!!  I even looked up kissing on Facebook and there are fangroups for it!  Hahahaha thought about joining because I’m all gung-ho but that looks LAME hahahaha.

December
March 23 at 12:09am
Ya I totally had a feeling about you.  I could NOT figure out why some casual acquaintance of his would have his picture up as her profile pic.  HOW DID I MISS THAT??????????????????????????????????

December
March 23 at 12:09am
LOL yes stay out of the Tonsilitis Group.

December
March 23 at 12:10am
Oh my dear, so many men, so little time.
It would bug me if I had to go dutch with a man on every date, but then I’m a money hungry bitch!!!  Don’t forget it!

I’m glad he is so warm and awesome and good to you.  It will definitely make things easier for you.

December
March 23 at 12:10am
Gawd we are so much alike lol.

Nadia
March 23 at 12:11am
I know!!!  I saw your pic with arms around each other called ‘the smoopikins!’ I was like that is such a coupley nickname!!!!  But of course he explained it away.  Okay we learned some MAJOR lessons!!!

My first kiss was exact same disappointment LOL how did he get so far without learning anything?!

December
March 23 at 12:12am
Omg he explained THAT away??????????????
OMG WE’RE STUPID

HA HA HA HA AH HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok I’ve laughed now, I’ve met my quota for the day.  One laugh a day whether I need it or not.  Thank you for that.
Now I can sleep.

Nadia
March 23 at 12:14am
Hahahaha me too.  So awesome.  Fuck man, amazing just amazing.  Keeping each other company and spirits up, it’s a miracle.  And a great one!

Okay sleep tight, talk soon!

December
March 23 at 12:14am
Yes ma’am, most definitely.
Kiss kiss night night!

Decee

Anger and jealousy and hatred towards you would be a typical reaction to all of this and a way to PROTECT myself from further hurt.  It would be an easy way to not have to deal with things too.  Essentially, it would be one of the most major ways to SHUT DOWN, which is exactly what I’ve been wanting to avoid.

So rather than feeling anger and resentment towards YOU, and letting that manifest in all its ugly ways, without realizing what I was doing or why, I have taken the complete opposite approach… unintentionally, but nevertheless.  I have exposed my TRUE NAKED SOUL to you, in all its weakness.  And I have fully and wholely TRUSTED YOU with my soul and my heart.  Now would a person who was shut down, incapable of love or unable to ever trust again be able to do that???

Thank GOD you are who you are and you have handled my vulnerability with such tact and tenderness and love and kindness and YOU have been nurturing it and me back to health.

Isn’t that crazy???  To surrender myself so fully to the one person who could easily hurt me the most right now?  Surely, THIS is the path to enlightenment and healing.  For both of us, because you have let me inside of your soul too.

Decee

Nadia
March 23 at 8:59am
Holy crap!  That is so beautiful, see what an open heart brings to you!  It is surely the most profound part of this whole journey.

You’re right, there is no doubt our hearts are more open than imaginable…  And your dedication to going all the way is inspiring to me.

I would have felt so alone if not for you!

So here’s to the smell of insight in the morning!!!  And to know we can find strength in each other, which ultimately reveals it in ourselves.

Nads

December
March 23 at 9:16am
God, we’re good.  We should be in charge of something.

Nadia
March 23 at 1:55pm
Yeah seriously!!!  We should have a break up counseling service!  Or start a break up support resource online!!!

I managed to get an extension on a research paper thank God, I feel tons better.  My instructor was amazed I was coming to class even!!!

I know everyone I’ve talked about this with at school is utterly perplexed why I have this stupid smile on my face today lol.  Maybe they think I’m going nuts hahahahahaha.

December
March 23 at 2:04pm
Hey we could actually probably get very rich doing that lol.

Ha ha ha ha ha that’s so funny sometimes I think people must think I’M NUTS because as I’m rambling on incessantly trying to explain the story to them I’m SMILING and I actually have to stop and say – I know I’m smiling but it’s not funny.  Weird.

You know there’s this site I’m on that is like a community for quit smokers…. would be a good site to model ours after.  It has a tool that calculates how many days it’s been, how much money saved, how many cigarettes not smoked.  We could do one of those – a tongue in cheek sort of thing.  How many days it’s been, how much sanity saved, you know – we’d have to brainstorm it.

And there are forums on there of course, and we could offer our services as counselors lol.  And email out daily tips and pointers to help them through each day of the process lol.

It could be a real humdinger.

Ah but I think I’m too lazy to put it together.

December
March 23 at 10:29pm
I’m sure you’re fast asleep, dreaming of lovely brown boys, but i just wanted to say goodnight, and thanks again for everything.

I am really really happy to have met you.

d