Day Five – Wow, It Begins To Get Slightly Easier

December
March 19 at 9:01am
Well, I only had one cry yesterday, and it wasn’t the raging river of emotion that I had the day before.  So I guess that’s progress.

I had dreams last night of doing things I never want to do, like hanging out with my GOD AWFULLY NASTY ex boyfriend Colton, now you want to meet a sociopath HOLY COW, and I was smoking a cigarette in my dream BAD BAD. So maybe I’m releasing into my dreams which is ok, I kind of prefer sleep to awake at this time anyways.

Volga said he’s going to a counselor today to try and figure out what is wrong with him.  You know, if he IS a psychopath, he won’t want the counselor to know so he won’t be honest about whats going on.  He will probably just want the counselor to feel sorry for him too.  Weird.

Life is weird!

But it’s a brand new day!!!  More cleaning is on order as I’m not going to go in to work again today.  I am honoring this major painful change in my life and have been off work all week.  I want to re-emerge into society a healed woman.

You have school today?

Nadia
March 19 at 11:10am
Hahaha I just read your msg on the yesterday’s ‘flow’ lol about the pain that is all over our FB profiles!  It’s so true, it is a total cathartic outlet, and actually seeing you put it out there and get support, made me feel okay about putting my pain out there too.  But shit, now I need to be careful who I accept on my facebook! hahahaha

I have a huge infatuation with perfume and it is so comforting to me in the last few days!  Like a blankie or something!! Especially cedar, it is comforting me with every breath.

Now I just need a brain that can focus on school for more than 5 minutes lol, as exams are coming up!

I’m at the point of realizing I can’t concern myself with what he is doing or saying anymore.  Even if it is bullshit lies to all his friends and counselor and even continuing to try to play trips on you, he has got to be OUT of my life and OUT of my realm of concern.  I just learned more about my own mind and what happens when I don’t trust myself than I have ever had to confront ever before.  I have to make this about me now, not him.  He is garbage to me now.  In the toxic dump.  lol

How is the cleaning/purging?

December
March 19 at 11:18am
Ok Sweetness I will not say another word about what is going on with him.  “The last thing I want to do is hurt you or stand in the way of your progress.

I had a feeling I shouldn’t be doing it as I was doing it but once again, I didn’t listen to my gut lol.  You are ahead of me, of course, and I’m happy for you.  I’m trying to get there, following in your footsteps only a few million miles behind lol – quit running so fast I’m short of breath!

The purging is going well, but I’m having a hard time imagining him being in this city when the time comes to get all this shit.  I don’t want him in my city!!!!

I love smells too – its amazing how they can bring memories flooding back!  I love incense and essential oils and that sort of thing as well.

Funny, I read your 25 random things a while back and saw that you were in Italy… I lived in Sicily on a teeny tiny island when i was 19/20…., I worked as a barista and learned to speak fluent Italian, its my favorite place on earth!!  In fact I lost my virginity and my heart to a boy named Fabio who, incidentally, cheated on me in the end and left me for a tart named Allessandra.  That era was the turning point in my life- it was when I began my spiritual and metaphysical awakening and allover transformation and it has been a wild journey ever since.
And I, like you, had my first orgasm in my sleep ha ha.  I didn’t have a real orgasm until I met my ex husband…. thank goodness for him I guess lol.

December
March 19 at 11:23am
Oh and also we have in common I looooooooove Indian dance music and brown men ha ha – well THAT’S a surprise isn’t it.  I’ve never been to India, but I love them just the same.

December
March 19 at 11:29am
Hmmm I just re-read my 25 random things which I wrote over a month ago.  So sad.

Nadia
March 19 at 11:52am
Ahhhh well if I am ahead it is only because it was always ‘hanging by a thread’ as I put it in my 25 things!  Crazy eh!  How I wish I had snapped that thread and been done with it, but his insidious pleas to stay were pathetically enough for me.  But this has to be for a higher purpose, so I can’t wish for the past to be different.

JUST read your 25 things, crap.  It is sad, but like you I don’t believe in regrets.  This is a very hard situation to feel that in, but I must believe it.  It really must be part of the bigger picture, I tend to think of it as karma at work.  Not that we did ANYTHING in a previous life or something to deserve this shit, I just mean more like burning the seeds of delusion.  I was very deluded.  This karma is a gift in the way that I can clear a lot of things I have been holding on to, like seeking security in belonging to another person.

And as for the rest of the 25 things wow we do have so many similarities its just not funny!!!  I lived in Italy and also had my purse stolen with passport, money, wallet everything, and I was totally living there illegally and stayed for a year!  Through a different shitty breakup, isn’t it funny to remember timelines through breakups??  Actually that guy just wrote on my wall about my ‘innocent trust in life’. He’s still pissing me off after 8 years lol.

What are we going to do about the brown guy thing?!  Damn I have to try to start liking white dudes a bit more lol.  I am actually going to destroy my TYPE and be open to genuine care from any type.  My mind snaps closed so fast: too young, too blonde, too jocky, not spiritual enough, lol I think I stayed so long in the shitty sham of a relationship because I wasn’t meeting anyone else ‘worthy’.    Now my mind is going to stay open!!!!

December
March 19 at 11:57am
But I don’t like white dudes. Noooooooooooooooo…

December
March 19 at 11:58am
And so funny – when I write my book , the segments will be names of the MEN.  Because each relationship was an era….. I totally define time by relationships and breakups ha ha too funny.

December
March 19 at 12:00pm
And omg I am just like you -
My mind snaps closed so fast: “…too young, too blonde, too jocky, not spiritual enough, lol I think I stayed so long in the shitty sham of a relationship because I wasn’t meeting anyone else ‘worthy’”.

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawd this is too damn trippy and funny.

Nadia
March 19 at 5:21pm
Heya, wow that was a good long break from our computers!!  That’s something!

I told someone else about how I was going to stay away from charming handsome Turkish/Muslim men for some time and she said, ‘What, you’re going to go for ugly white assholes?’  LOL.  NOOOOO

We’re getting close to one week sober!  Time to break out the champagne!!!

December
March 19 at 7:22pm
“Hi my name is December and I’m a Volgaholic.”

I just went and got a wicked tattoo from a super hot guy YAY!!!!  I love freedom!!!

Nadia
March 19 at 7:31pm
Fuckin eh!!!!  Wow you must be having some nice endorphins now!!  What is the wicked tattoo of?

Oh my dad left a message for Volga on his voicemail!  I was so pleased with what he said, about him being slimy and a creep and don’t contact Nadia again, she doesn’t want to hear from you, nobody wants to hear from you again.  And then he started getting mad so he just cut it.  It was great!!!!!

December
March 19 at 7:55pm
Omg I’m total flying on endorphines!!!!  I am in the BEST MOOD!!!  And it only cost me $170 to feel this good lol.

I had a dream about this tattoo around 3 weeks ago… its really big block letters spelling ‘YUBU’ (my cat’s name) all the way around one wrist, and they are colored in in marvelously bright shades of orange red and pink and then in smaller black script below it says ‘forever’.  LOL sounds weird, I know but I LOVE IT and the dude Billy was adorable and had AMAZING energy and he had his hands all over me.  Well, all over my arm heh heh.

December
March 19 at 7:57pm
Omg your dad phoned Volga??????????  Ha ha that’s wicked.
Did Volga try contacting you again?  Because he asked me to ask my “very special new best friend” ha ha to take down the posting on LiarsCheatsandBastards.com and I told him you were HIS girlfriend so he could ask you himself.  lol knowing full well you would not answer.
Gary also told him you posted him on some psychopath website.  Did you?  Or are they very confused lol.

December
March 19 at 7:58pm
P.S.  I talked him into coming to get his stuff, he SAYS he’ll come tomorrow but I know that HE knows that once he gets it, there will be no more contact so he will probably try and put it off.  He’s been trying to get me back, its sad really….. if he had done anything else but this there may have been a chance but, its his fault there isn’t a chance in hell.

I’m a freeeeeeeeeee woman!
I totally recommend going and getting a tattoo to pay tribute to yourself lol.

Nadia
March 19 at 8:53pm
This is all so hilarious!
Your tattoo sounds brilliant: I love that range of colors together and I love script in tattoos.  The next tattoo I get will be Hindi script for sure, that is such a fuckin’ good idea to do it now to celebrate!!!!

No Volga hasnt tried to contact me again, thank God.  Ew every time I think about what he’s doing with you I actually get the full body shakes.  You’d think he would be so ashamed he would hide his face, but its almost like he has no shame!!!!!

And no way am I taking that posting down.  No fucking way.  Hahahaha I’m voting on that regularly to get it to be featured Cheater of the Month!!!  There are no other posts, no psychopath website that i know of (goes to check to see if she can publicly humiliate him some more lol) Gary is such a fuckface I just want to step on him like an ant.  How did they even find that post?  Did you tell him?  I’m glad he knows!

I hope you have some guy friends over with you tomorrow!
Being free is fucking amazing.  Just the idea that the lies are over!

December
March 19 at 9:00pm
No no I never told anyone – Gary is on my friends list on facebook!!!

OMG I NEED TO REMOVE HIM RIGHT FUCKING NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

Please hold.

December
March 19 at 9:01pm
Hmmm weird it looks like he may have already removed ME.

December
March 19 at 9:01pm
Bastard, how dare he? lol

Nadia
March 19 at 9:04pm
Lol actually now I see where his puny mind was mixing things up…he must’ve seen those links I posted, and your status during that time was about him having a mistress on the side; that’s why he was saying I accused him of thinking of me as a mistress!  I was so confused where he got that!

December
March 19 at 9:05pm
Ohhhhhhhh yaaaaaaaaaaaa it all makes sense now lol I was wondering where he got that too.  But you saw when I changed it to “serious girlfriend” lol… after I got to know you a bit

Nadia
March 19 at 9:14pm
Hahaha of course I did notice that!  I can’t get over Gary right now, funny eh?  He’s changing reality too:  I’ve hung out at his place!  We’ve gone for breakfast!  We’ve gone drinking!  I’ve talked openly about my ‘relationship’ with Volga to him!  He is such a fucker.  Once I made Volga show me what Gary was writing him, and it was some weird remark about am I making him TALK about the relationship… he was so in on it its not even funny.

December
March 19 at 9:16pm
Ya hes a FUCK that’s for sure.  Slimy little fuckhead.  Ew.
It’s so sad but I’m happy to be freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

December
March 19 at 9:17pm
I’m just gonna keep telling myself that until its true. lol

December
March 19 at 9:18pm
Volga’s totally been trying to downplay his relationship with you – but I know its all bullshit.  I know EXACLTY how he talked to you and how he strung you along.  I am the only person in the world who knows exactly what you are talking about—– GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Sometimes it makes me feel good to growl.

Nadia
March 19 at 9:22pm
What is he saying about it?

Nadia
March 19 at 9:23pm
Yeah I have all the messages saved that definitely ‘strung me along’ to say the least!  CRAZY

December
March 19 at 9:23pm
Oh you don’t need to hear that do you?  I don’t want to hurt your feelings.  I know it is bullshit.

Nadia
March 19 at 9:24pm
Well yes it will, but I just want to hear!

December
March 19 at 9:24pm
I’m sure I could guess exactly what kinds of messages he sent you.
He’s fucked – end of story.

Nadia
March 19 at 9:25pm
Ok you’re right, I’m better off not hearing.  But my curiosity is killing me.

December
March 19 at 9:25pm
No no I don’t think you need to hear the things he’s saying.
He’s just been trying to make me believe the relationship wasn’t what it was is all.  LIES JUST LIES.

December
March 19 at 9:26pm
I know just trust me, ok?

Because not only are the things going to hurt YOU, but then when you tell me they aren’t true (which i already know) it will hurt me, and then he is STILL HURTING US, even now!

Nadia
March 19 at 9:27pm
Right, God, he is capable of so much deception, keeping it up now!!!!  I don’t think there’s hope for him.

December
March 19 at 9:27pm
No it’s so fucking weird hey it boggles my mind.

Nadia
March 19 at 9:33pm
I was thinking of erasing all those messages, but I had a small feeling to keep them just for a little while longer, in case he needs to have it laid out in front of him. lol

Ew!

December
March 19 at 9:34pm
You mean like messages from a while ago – PRE-BREAKUP?
Fuck – put them in an email and send them to him!!!

Gawd the thought of what they must say makes me feel ill.

December
March 19 at 9:38pm
I hate him.

Nadia
March 19 at 9:39pm
I can’t email them to him, I have ended contact.  At first when I was finding out about this, I did msg a few of them to him, with ‘remember this’ no answer.  I kept everything   I wasted so much love on him.  I just poured it into a vat of evil.  Awesome.

December
March 19 at 9:42pm
Ok then destroy them.
Seriously.  You don’t need evidence.  I believe you.  He knows.
Gaaaaaaaaawd why does this have to be so hard???

Based on what we’ve learned about his words and actions so far, I wouldn’t doubt it if your messages said the same things as mine – or very close.  GAAAAAAAAAWD EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

December
March 19 at 9:47pm
You know I think he really believes all his lies!!!!!!!  I mean, how can he just keep going and LYING AND LYING AND LYING?????????????

He knows we are friends and are comparing notes on everything!

Nadia
March 19 at 9:50pm
Hahaha yeah I am quite sure he is convincing himself with every lie.  Maybe he has no fucking clue just what we are saying.  Maybe he’s underestimating us lol.  Maybe he’s just a PSYCHOPATH hahahahaha.

I will definitely destroy everything soon.  Fuck it.

December
March 19 at 9:54pm
Ya i mean what do you need it for – maybe just a reminder that it really happened as you know it did?  Sometimes doubt can creep in.

December
March 19 at 9:55pm
Man he’s trying everything to get me to doubt things and its totally working – That’s why it’s SO IMPORTANT that I have you to keep setting me straight with your facts.  He’s so cunning.  I just want this to be over once and for all.  I feel sorry for him and that’s weird.

Nadia
March 19 at 10:00pm
Yeah, it’s kinda true.  Like did this really happen?  I’m always here to help you cast off doubt.  Doubt is the poison that he is working with!  Lying about dates right off the bat.  Blame…. yeah I know what you’re saying, his soul probably feels so rotten right now.  I wouldn’t intentionally wish that on anyone, but hey, he did it to himself.

I also can’t wait for this to just be some AMAZING and fucked up story that you can pull out to trump ANY ex-boyfriend story!  I can’t wait to have a new boyfriend offer to go hurt him!  I can’t wait for the future!  Each day gets us a little bit closer!

December
March 19 at 10:05pm
Lol we are doing really really good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nadia
March 19 at 10:07pm
You know I really think we are.  Like fucking amazing.  Fucking resilient!!  And THAT”S what he didn’t count on!

December
March 19 at 10:13pm
Nooooooooooooooooo he had no CLUE what great taste he had in women!!!

December
March 19 at 10:15pm
Hey let me ask you something because its been nagging and i don’t really want to know but I need to anyways grrrr
did you meet Volga on a motorbike ride up to Whistler?  Did you get into some kind of trouble and he helped you?

Nadia
March 19 at 10:17pm
No I met him after that, he told me that story first day I met him.  I wanted to ask you do you ride too?

December
March 19 at 10:18pm
I ride dirtbikes.   We were planning on buying a couple of bikes this spring.
Fuckaduck.
Ok well how DID you meet hin then???????????????

Like I said I don’t want to know but i need to.  Fuckaduck.

December
March 19 at 10:21pm
remember this pain is all part of the healing
remember this pain is all part of the healing
remember this pain is all part of the healing
remember this pain is all part of the healing
remember this pain is all part of the healing
remember this pain is all part of the healing
remember this pain is all part of the healing
remember this pain is all part of the healing

Nadia
March 19 at 10:22pm
Ugh on a bike.  Of course.  I got real sick of that story.  I don’t have one anymore, it was stolen last summer, and I couldn’t buy another as I had truck payments and tuition and now working so little.  But I’m glad cause I never want to see him at the track.  What am i going to do??  I just wont go for a year, big deal.  I’ll do other track days not at mission.

December
March 19 at 10:22pm
Well if you want I could sell his bike for real and then he won’t be there either. lol

December
March 19 at 10:23pm
What – you just met him riding around???????  I don’t get it.

December
March 19 at 10:24pm
This fucking sucks hey?

Nadia
March 19 at 10:25pm
IDO want you to sell the bike!  Lol to my friend for cheap!!!!!  Nahhhhh I never want to see that bike again.  GROSS.  Yeah just riding up Cypress.

December
March 19 at 10:26pm
Hmmmm…

Nadia
March 19 at 10:28pm
This really does suck a lot.  I can’t figure it out.  It’s painful to know these things, yet they seem to be integral to really figuring out what happened… so our brains aren’t stewing in it forever.  I can’t see the happy medium.  Maybe AGAIN it’s easier for me because I read it all first on your blog….

December
March 19 at 10:29pm
Ah well, enough healing for one night lol.  This sucks huge ass.
Maybe we should call it a night.  I have to clean my kitchen – I hate waking up to a dirty kitchen lol.

It hurts to heal, oh yes it does.  But it can only get easier.
Ineed to find some more handsome men to flirt with and maybe even someone to make out with.  That will help lol.  I prescribe it to you as well lol.  Cuz I’m “Dahktah Dee” (you might have to say it out loud to get it lol)

Nadia
March 19 at 10:31pm
Hahahah right on, ok yes we really delved into the details again, time to quit!!!  I am only too happy to follow the doc’s orders!!!!

Goodnight, have a peaceful sleep.
Nadia

December
March 19 at 10:32pm
Nah there is no happy medium.. eventually each of us will feel like we know enough and we will move on.  Things are already changing – look how little we chatted today compared to day 1 and 2 and 3.  Way less.
It’s going to be ok.  Really.

Maybe one day (in like 20 years ha ha) we will even be strong enough to meet each other lol.  I bet we would have a lot of fun together since we sure do have a lot in common LOL!!!  Omg the two of us, single, out on the town.

Well truly it’s way too much to imagine at this point – makes me feel a little ill actually lol but ONE DAY!!!!!!!! MAYBE!!!??????? HA HA

December
March 19 at 10:34pm
You know – whenever he and I would fight or ‘break up’ and he was in Van or would go there, he always made it seem like he was suffering so much and never leaving his house and bla bla bla but I bet he was with you – so it’s only logical that NOW, in spite of all the crap that comes out of his mouth about how much he is hurting and how he wants to make it better, I bet he’s out trying to find a new broad already.

And that makes him a super double motherfucking ass wipe.

Nadia
March 19 at 10:34pm
Hahahahahaha actually I hope so!  Don’t imagine it now though lol.
Too funny! Ok night night!

December
March 19 at 10:35pm
Ok nighty night sleep well!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!