December
March 22 at 12:15pm
Instead of suffering through feelings of anger, regret, resentment and pain, I have decided to funnel all my energy into another route.
Anything I have asked God for in the prayer below, I also pray for you, my precious Nadia, for your healing. You are always in my prayers these days FYI.
——————
Dear God,
Please help me. Help me to find understanding and compassion. Please forgive me for the mistakes I have made. Please don’t let me become incapable of love. Please don’t let me shut down and become hard. Please help me to find forgiveness. Please help me to remain open. Please don’t let me resort to hatred or wrongdoing. Please fill me up with love and light and goodness.
Please forgive Volga for what he has done. Please do not let this harden him even more. He was closed when I met him, and he had really begun to open. Please let him continue his journey towards experiencing deep and lasting love. I want him to know this feeling. Please help him to forgive himself and move forward in his life. Volga has something great to contribute to this world. Please help him to remain open. He has a lot to give. Please don’t let him repeat his mistakes in the future. Please protect him from great pain. Please grant him healing and fill him with soft white, loving light. Please heal him and help him through this time. Please grant him peace inside his heart and mind.
Dear God, please help me to feel compassion and forgiveness and acceptance. I am not perfect, and I am thankful for the good times and the lessons I have learned. Please help me find peace inside my heart and mind. Please help me to be strong, sensitive, and free.
Thank You
December
Nadia
March 22 at 1:17pm
Oh December,
You are such an evolved being. I couldn’t hope to pray for what you have prayed for. But I can pray for your heart’s wishes to come true for you, and if forgiveness is part of that path, then I fully wish it for you.
I have no ability to fathom forgiveness in my heart right now. I don’t feel he has any power over me any more, and I don’t blame him for messing me up, because I’m not messed up. So really the only thing I can do is give his case to God and know that will be perfect. Someone told me once that everyone is doing the best that they can possibly do. Which actually does comfort me. That WAS the best he could do, and it wasn’t fair, it wasn’t right, but its all he could do according to his conditioning.
I dreamed about him last night and I pray to God to never let that happen again. He was slime in the dream but I accepted it. BARF.
I went out dancing last night to incredible DJ, I don’t know if you like this kind of sound but shit I was in heaven www.myspace.com/boreta WOW.
I’ve been given such a wonderful distraction in the form of this new crush, but I vow not to rush into anything, just to get to know the freaking guy. I did tell him briefly what the story was, I thought it might be easier if he knew than piecing it together somehow.
Many blessing upon you to have those prayers in your heart. You are truly outstanding. I suppose I pray for his healing only so that others are not hurt by him. Maybe one day I will wish him well, but that day is a long time off.
Love, Nadia
December
March 22 at 1:36pm
Thanks Nadia… I’m not that evolved lol, not really. I just know that channeling these positive thoughts feels more…. RIGHT to me. It is just not in my nature to go the other way and when I am trying to go AGAINST my nature, it feels wrong. When I was younger and dating that fuckhead Chester, I let him do me REALLY WRONG because of my nature… the difference between then and now is just that I wont let someone hurt me in the name of my nature, but I have to care about them and wish the best for them. I can’t help it.
We are all on a journey….. including Volga… and some of us are WAY less evolved than others. The road to hell is also paved with good intentions as you know.
I, like you, am leaving it in God’s hands now…. he will have to handle Volga’s case lol. But I have to have peace in my heart if I want to remain open, and that’s all there is to it. I refuse to let this shit alter my being in a negative way and I urge you to focus on the same thing.
I’m so excited you have a crush – I would LOVE to have one. I realize its waaaaaaay too soon to be thinking such things, but you know, it really does help to have a distraction. So enjoy it. Love it. You deserve it.
And please don’t let anyone take advantage of you…. stay strong and keep your eyes open. Your heart too.
I wish you were here, I’m about to do some serious landscaping in my yard and I could use your expertise lol.
D
Nadia
March 22 at 1:49pm
Lol that will be so awesome! To create a beautiful space to enjoy outside! Working outdoors has also been very healing for me, for many things. If you get stuck or just want an idea tossed around, you can always send a pic of what is there now, maybe that’s too intimate, but the offer is always open.
I think I have just really really compartmentalized my disgust for Volga, I don’t feel it leaking into my feelings toward other men. But yes, you’re right I do need to keep my eyes open, and not ignore any signs of evasiveness. My heart will be open til the day I die, and even then. It’s just who I am. I am just fiercely protective of myself, though you wouldn’t know it to think why I stayed in this for so long. maybe that’s where I need to forgive. I’ll start there.
But it’s like if someone’s done me wrong, I wont go around HATING them actively and feeling that stain of blame and anger in my own life. But I will eject them from my life altogether and hopefully my thoughts soon too. And that makes me feel GOOD!
And yes the crush is so good right now…. and can you believe he’s white. But kind of rugged, if thin.
Man, now I have to focus on school for real or i will screw myself!!! I need a stop button on time!!!
Love, Nads
December
March 22 at 1:56pm
Lol ok focus. I’m going to see my sister-in-law Melissa. My brother Jamie is just flying to Victoria to take baby Abby to the Childrens Hospital. She has pneumonia, they think, and stopped breathing twice last night, once for like 45 seconds.
Melissa is taking the other baby Victoria to meet them in Vic so I need to send her off with some serious love.
Chat Soon
Nadia
March 22 at 2:03pm
Oh Jesus, that is a scary thing, I’m so happy she’s on her way to the hospital. Just goes to show, in the big scheme of things, what’s important.
Hugs!!!!
December
March 22 at 11:03pm
I just need to know if he made it home safely to Vancouver yesterday.
And his phone is off and he’s not answering emails… I don’t want him to DIE! I wish he would send me a message so I know if he is alive.
Nadia
March 22 at 11:09pm
I’m sure he wants you to worry about him, and is conscientiously not answering. It’s more manipulation. He won’t die, he would already have done it. He is playing the victim and who is going to believe him???
Why do I have NO PITY for him? I’m usually that kind of person that cares about everyone, even assholes. I’ve never been done so wrong. Hmmmm I will look into this forgiveness thing, I understand it is an internal process, and frees oneself from the energetic bondage of that person.
He’s got nothing to say, and hopes that we worry about him, I’m very sure of this. If he was dead we would hear about it from Gary or Jared.
December
March 22 at 11:10pm
Well that’s EXACTLY why I’m doing it!!!!!!!! Ha ha ha h did you think i was doing it for him??? Or because I’m more evolved?????
Oooh no no no lol I’m doing it for own selfish reason!!!!!!!!! MWAH HA HA HA
December
March 22 at 11:12pm
He was pretty messed up at my house – you can’t fake that kind of pain. He gets pretty emotional…….. I broke up with him over a year ago and he curled up into a bawl on the floor and cried like crazy. And if we had a big fight and he was crying he would take off to Vancouver in that state – gawd it always worried me so much because his emotions are so wild I always thought he would crash.
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
I’m free from this emotional torture.
December
March 22 at 11:15pm
Ah don’t listen to me I’m SO LONELY today, I miss my friend and my companion. I’ll get over it.
Nadia
March 22 at 11:19pm
Ahhhhhhh who’s the smart bitch now?!?! Lol there’s a song on the radio these days all about ‘gotta get you outta my system…. your love is like poison’ I hate having that stuck in my head!!!!!!!
I just had a ‘study session’ with a girlfriend who is destroyed because her ex is going out with someone new. And she’s accusing him of lying and leading her on… even with our story right there next to hers she couldn’t see how much holding on to her pain was keeping her down. It’s been 2 weeks and she still cant really eat. I guess everyone has to feel their pain and process it according to their own karma, but I think both our pain processors are in mighty fine shape. The bottom line is “he’s just not worthy” in any of these stories, so why even want to be with him anymore. The body takes time to catch up with the mind though, I do understand.
Would you understand if I just take the last post you made off my wall? I did tell the new guy about it briefly but don’t want it too much in his face when he sees my page…. lol what a weird thing to try to be juggling, pain and pleasure.
December
March 22 at 11:20pm
Omg ya sorry!!!!! Of course do what you need to do!
December
March 22 at 11:21pm
I’ll use this system from now on. Good for you for keeping it low key. Nothing grosser than trying to date someone who goes on about their last relationship and how bad it was.
Nadia
March 22 at 11:22pm
I saw that emotion come out but I believed it was authentic to what he was telling me, and it was just his own frustration at himself that he directed at me. So I just cant trust that what he’s feeling is anything like real remorse.
But you know him better than I do. That’s for sure.
December
March 22 at 11:23pm
Or do I?
December
March 22 at 11:23pm
MEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Nadia
March 22 at 11:24pm
Yes. Don’t doubt it!
December
March 22 at 11:25pm
What are you studying anyways???
Nadia
March 22 at 11:31pm
I want to get into environmental design which is an undergraduate degree. I did a diploma in horticulture, 2 years full time, and NONE of it transfers, so I’m stuck doing the first two years all over again. The first two years are just prerequisites like physics and geography, and filled up with whatever courses to make 60 credits, so I’m doing religious studies, human geography, psychology, biology etc… it’s a real first year liberal arts education, very useful hahahaha.
If I make it through this degree I would love to get a landscape architecture degree, but that’s a lot of school. I’m sick of it already hahahaha.
I just knew I couldn’t do landscaping forever and didn’t want to run a landscaping company, I am not very entrepreneurial by nature and would rather have some credentials behind me. And with the economy like this, I’m happy to be in school!!!!
December
March 22 at 11:33pm
Very cool! I never did any kind of post grad education, I’ve always been an entrepreneurial spirit and a wanderer. I had a successful band for a few years and have had a couple businesses and worked a MILLION jobs… but I’ve often thought about going back to school and becoming… SOMETHING. But I probably never will lol. Everything I’ve done until this point however has led me to where i am now – doing marketing for my own company and planning events for the pub. It’s soooooo fun.
Nadia
March 22 at 11:39pm
I am totally envious of people that have that naturally. But cant fight your nature, right? If I did, I would be designing people’s gardens already, and contracting out to construction companies to do the work. But the longer I work in the industry, the more I learn that will serve me as an architect. I really am still quite green. What’s the rush too…
some people go right from high school to university to grad school to the rest of the shit show and never take the time to discover themselves.
I’ve spent the last 10 years doing just that and I have absolutely no regrets!!! I bet it’s part of the reason people are drawn to us and our energy, we have really done some living and know ourselves deeply. Ya think?
December
March 22 at 11:44pm
Well exactly, there are different types of people to fill different roles in life. We cant all be the same.
And I think that’s exactly why people are drawn to us – and they are, I have always had people be drawn to me (FREAKS MOSTLY HA HA). I think it’s because we have done some living and we know what we’re doing!!!!!!!!!!!!
We’re pretty smart for a couple of broads!!!!
Gawd it feels fantastic to make good on my beliefs in a time of crisis and find that I am NOT a hypocrite. My faith gets tested all the time but not shaken. I still believe in Fate and Destiny and all that good stuff even when I’m getting my ass kicked.
And you are amazing like that too. And you don’t take crap from no-one lol.
December
March 22 at 11:47pm
How come you don’t show up in my list of people who are online and available to chat? Do you disable your chat?
December
March 22 at 11:52pm
So whats the dillio with this new dude? Is he awesome? Is he treating you well?
I’m scared I will never find someone who makes me feel the way Volga did when we went out or whatever – I’m sure I don’t have to tell you what he was like – always paying for everything and opening the doors and super generous and attentive. Ya it was all FAKE lol but didn’t it make you feel good?
Does this new guy treat you that way? Do you think there are more men out there who will?
Also I’ve been laughing because when i first met you I swore a lot and you didn’t so i thought maybe I was the only trucker but i see you are a trucker too. Why am I not surprised.
Nadia
March 22 at 11:52pm
Hahahah thank you! That’s something to be proud of!
If fate + destiny = higher purpose, then yeah I’m definitely on board with that. There hasn’t been any hard situation that I haven’t grown immensely from. It’s all part of the present moment, and part of our incredibleness!!!!
That is truly outstanding to have such a strong vision. Especially when it feels like things are falling apart. But things have to fall for something fresh to grow in its place.
Ahhhh midnight, I gotta tuck myself in. Jesus I didn’t get that much sleep last night, no wonder I can’t study!!!
Have a wonderful sleep tonight, and a great first day back to the ‘normal’ world, and it felt good for me to go back to work and be with people that were making me laugh all day! I bet you have some awesome coworkers.
Night night!
Love Nads
December
March 22 at 11:54pm
Yes ma’am you have a good sleep, I was thinking the same thing. And I really need my beauty sleep. These eyes have been cryin’ for a week!!!!! Poor little eyes.
Take care and chat soon!!!!! Sweet dreams!!
Decee
Nadia
March 22 at 11:59pm
Oops gotta respond first to your last msg! lol
Well to be honest, I don’t even know this new guy, we’ve had 2 real dates. But he’s warm and awesome and funny and is the best kisser…. which is not something I’ve had in the last 5 years. But yes there is DEFINITELY someone out there who will make you feel like you did before, and without the doubts too!!! This guy doesn’t even have a CELL PHONE so I can’t get all into addictive patterns around that with him which is awesome.
Oh yeah i sent you a msg on chat today… saying it was my first time back on chat since this happened, I couldn’t handle who would be on there. But maybe its easier than these letters? I don’t know, I kinda like these! I can turn it on for sure though.
I am such a dirty mouth! I swear at school inadvertently or around kids, I just have a very bad habit about that!!!!! I blame it on my mama lol, she swore a blue streak when she got road rage hahahaha.
December
March 23 at 12:00am
Omg Volga is the WORST kisser isn’t he?
December
March 23 at 12:01am
What do you mean who would be on there? You mean Volga? how could you chat with Volga on Facebook? He’s not even on Facebook.
December
March 23 at 12:02am
Wait don’t leave yet lol.
Nadia
March 23 at 12:02am
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA omg I’m laughing so hard. I was scared to say something in case he was good with you and just shit with me, but nope. He’s just a bad kisser! Hahahahahahaha
December
March 23 at 12:03am
You know after I saw those pics on your Facebook of you and him, I told him I was going to be accompanying him to the track the next time he went. Can you imagine what would have happened if I had gone along?
There’s no way you and I would be friends right now because all hell would have broken loose and we probably would have hated each other.
Nadia
March 23 at 12:04am
Oh no, haha not Volga. Just you know, Facebook friends that want all the details but I don’t feel like telling everyone. I don’t really like most of my Facebook friends, how awful is that!!!!
December
March 23 at 12:04am
OMGGGGGGGGGGG that’s the funniest thing ever. I wanted to say something to you as well but didn’t for the same reason LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The worst kisser!!!! And I tried to tell him but he got all defensive and couldn’t believe it. Then I tried to SHOW him how it was supposed to be done lol once in a while he would get the picture and soften his fucking lips, but it actually got the point where I did not want to kiss him anymore it was such a turn off.
HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
December
March 23 at 12:05am
LOL oh phew my heart skipped a beat when you said that cuz I thought he had some OTHER secret like a secret profile GAWD I HATE HIM.
December
March 23 at 12:06am
Gawd and you know what’s so funny – KISSING is one of my favourite things on earth when done correctly. It was SOOOOOOOOO hard being with a bad kisser for so long!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nadia
March 23 at 12:06am
That is so true. There was one time I surprised him at the track! He was PISSY. Imagine if you had come with him!!! I would have made the BIGGEST SCENE!!!! That could have been awesome lol I really would have kicked him in the balls. So you really had the feeling about me eh? He didn’t want me putting any pics up on Facebook and I didn’t for the most part. So naive!!!!!!!
December
March 23 at 12:07am
I’ll never forget our first kiss, I was all excited thinking we would work into this amazing, romantic, slow and DREAMY first kiss… and he FUCKED IT Up – he just dove in, nearly choked me with his tongue, ramming it in GAWD.
GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWD
December
March 23 at 12:07am
LOL!
Nadia
March 23 at 12:08am
And now there is much kissing to be done! I am such a fan I forgot how good it is!!!! I even looked up kissing on Facebook and there are fangroups for it! Hahahaha thought about joining because I’m all gung-ho but that looks LAME hahahaha.
December
March 23 at 12:09am
Ya I totally had a feeling about you. I could NOT figure out why some casual acquaintance of his would have his picture up as her profile pic. HOW DID I MISS THAT??????????????????????????????????
December
March 23 at 12:09am
LOL yes stay out of the Tonsilitis Group.
December
March 23 at 12:10am
Oh my dear, so many men, so little time.
It would bug me if I had to go dutch with a man on every date, but then I’m a money hungry bitch!!! Don’t forget it!
I’m glad he is so warm and awesome and good to you. It will definitely make things easier for you.
December
March 23 at 12:10am
Gawd we are so much alike lol.
Nadia
March 23 at 12:11am
I know!!! I saw your pic with arms around each other called ‘the smoopikins!’ I was like that is such a coupley nickname!!!! But of course he explained it away. Okay we learned some MAJOR lessons!!!
My first kiss was exact same disappointment LOL how did he get so far without learning anything?!
December
March 23 at 12:12am
Omg he explained THAT away??????????????
OMG WE’RE STUPID
HA HA HA HA AH HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok I’ve laughed now, I’ve met my quota for the day. One laugh a day whether I need it or not. Thank you for that.
Now I can sleep.
Nadia
March 23 at 12:14am
Hahahaha me too. So awesome. Fuck man, amazing just amazing. Keeping each other company and spirits up, it’s a miracle. And a great one!
Okay sleep tight, talk soon!
December
March 23 at 12:14am
Yes ma’am, most definitely.
Kiss kiss night night!
Decee
