Nadia
March 16 at 7:44am
Ok now its all sinking in. that sleeping pill was the only reason I slept, I’m sure, because when I woke up it was immediately reeling in my mind a million miles an hour again, how about you?
Amazingly I got some pathetic response on blackberry messenger, even though he wouldn’t answer his phone.
Me: I’m thinking of coming over and making a scene in front of all your neighbors you lying shitsack. I’m sure there’s a special spot in hell for you.
Me: I feel sick, how could you hurt me like this? I just don’t understand at all.
Volga: I am truly sorry…
Volga: I am all those things you said.
Nadia: Sorry? You could have let me go so long ago, but you kept me tethered to your life, to be your mistress.
Volga: I am ashamed of myself.
Nadia: But why did you do it?
Volga: I am soooo sorry.
Nadia: I asked about her so long ago and you accused me of being crazy, like every other girl.
Nadia: You asked her to marry you? When were you going to tell me?
Volga: I was ashamed of myself.
Nadia: But why did you say you loved me?
Volga: I am a worthless hollow person.
Nadia: You don’t know what love it, and never will.
Volga: As I said, I sit here worthless… Realizing that I have hurt two souls… Which I didn’t want to do.
Volga: You have every right to be angry at me.
Volga: I deserve not even to be an animal.
Volga: I am ashamed.
Nadia: When did you realize that you didn’t want to hurt us, because it’s been YEARS of lies.
Volga: Truly ashamed.
Nadia: Why weren’t you ashamed before getting caught?
Nadia: You denied it right to the last second.
Nadia: Who are you? I never knew you, if there is anyone in there worth knowing.
Volga: You are right.
Volga: I have no response.
Volga: You are right.
Volga: If I had the guts I would jump off the bridge.
Volga: End it all.
Volga: I am a coward.
Nadia: Well for once being a coward will serve you.
Nadia: But what did you think of me? Was I just to make you feel good? Why did you get mad when I wanted to end things? It would have solved everything.
Nadia: Well this is goodbye I guess.
Volga: I am a worthless piece of shit.
Volga: As I said… if I could take back everything so that no one would get hurt I would.
Volga: And my sentence will be to be able to live with myself.
Volga: Believe me if I could end my life to make things better I would.
Volga: I am sorry.
Volga: I just hope one day you can somehow forgive me.
Nadia: Just hard to believe anything you say.
Volga: Yes you are right… I am a liar and deceiver… and ashamed of it.
Nadia: Well at least it s over now. You’re not really ashamed, you’re just sorry you got caught.
Volga: No I am ashamed to be a human being I am!!!!
Nadia that just doesn’t make any sense. Otherwise you would have ended it with me a long time ago. Did my life mean nothing to you?
Volgav: Even if I said yes of course…. you wouldn’t believe me. I wouldn’t believe me.
Nadia: Because it’s not true.
Volga: I can’t stand to be me!!!!
Nadia: Why didn’t you just stop?
NO MORE ANSWERS
You know what I notice, despite his threats of suicide, which are so hollow, its all about HIM, how he feels, how he has to live with himself, how sorry he is for himself!!!! He is the most egocentric person; all his kindness and caring and beautiful words were just a persona to cover the crap beneath.
I’m sure this will be another punch to the gut first thing in the morning; unless you’ve talked to him already then this is just minor. But I for one want to hear the whole truth now, so if you hear anything please let me know.
Hugs, Nadia
December
March 16 at 7:58am
Nadia I too had just a text conversation with him last night, which I was planning to describe to you this morning, but now I don’t have to because he said exactly the same things to me – in fact, for some of those sentences, I bet he sent the same one to both our addresses – no word of a lie.
And you are so right – now that I can see them written down, they are all about him, he’s “sooooooo sorry”, well he will be.
I told him I wanted some financial compensation to help me since we were technically common-law and he has left me in a lurch, and if he wants his stuff back, he has to wait for the cheque to clear, and then he can SEND someone to get it.
Is it really possible he is some kind of psychopath? This is so devastating. I had a very bad sleep last night and today sucks too.
December
March 16 at 8:07am
Oh and it looks like I got an email last night.
Nadia
March 16 at 8:16am
It is very possible he is a psychopath. A psychopath doesn’t usually kill people, it’s in the way they live their life and treat people. All about them, even though they appear to be so charming and kind, and everyone loves them, until shit starts unraveling. Maybe his family had enough of his shit?
Good for you for demanding some compensation. It is only right; yes you were in fact common-law. You are entitled to it.
It’s just amazing he couldn’t answer WHY, why he didn’t stop, what made him do this, just pathetic apologies.
OMG I am worried that I won’t eat… I better make myself but I feel constantly sick to my stomach.
What did the email say?
December
March 16 at 8:28am
Well like I said the text messages were exactly the same as yours…. vague non-answers (which, incidentally, he is notorious for and it was one of the things that made me wonder about him all these years – I could never get a straight answer about anything which I’m willing to bet you understand completely)
But here’s his email:
December….
I am truly sorry…. you have every right to feel angry at me…. And I can understand if you don’t every want to speak to me. Yes I am ashamed for losing your and your families respect…worse yet losing respect for myself…. Honestly I never every wanted to be like this…. As incredible you might think it is…. I still love you and will always love you and always wanted to be with you for ever. Yes I have ruined it for both of us and I am sorry. I just wish there is a way to easy way to ease your pain…. I got myself in to a mess that I didn’t know how to get out from with out causing pain for every one and with out showing how ashamed I was…
You are right I sit here empty and worthless now…. With incredible regrets and sadness which I will never forget for the rest of my life… Many years ago, I had made a pact with God that I broke, because after last time I had a broken heart that I made a promise that I would never cause any pain like that to any being in this world… and I did. If I could give my left arm to take every thing back I would.
V
—————-
He couldn’t get out of it? Try BREAKING UP WITH one of us you fucking bastard. You had three years to figure it out – such a crock of shit.
Nadia
March 16 at 8:35am
It’s true, it would have been so EASY to get out of!!!! I tried to end it so many times, none if it makes any sense. He is so disgusting to me!!!!
I have to go to school amazingly; I have to do a presentation. I wish I had a support with me all day!!!! I will be dropping off a tiny pathetic box of things he has given me over the years with a big sign on it:
V MEHMET
Lying cheating scumbag
From your beloved whore
It makes sense now; yes nothing was ever a straight answer. EVER.
December
March 16 at 8:36am
Its so funny – I mentioned yesterday how my youngest brother has been studying psychopathy – well for the past year or more he has been searching for someone to STUDY – talking about going into prisons in search of subjects – when all along there was a very good candidate hiding – right under our noses!! One thing I don’t know about psychopaths, do they KNOW they’re psychopaths? Do they know right from wrong but can’t help themselves? Or are they pure evil? Doing and not caring? But if they are incapable of caring, then does that not excuse them from it?
December
March 16 at 8:38am
OMG you are hilarious. Good luck with that as he is probably at home – you might end up seeing him – which would be good I guess as it would hurt him even more. Good luck today – you’ll do great – you are fueled by your Mistress Power!!!!! Summon the energy from deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep within and use it to your advantage. I will send good vibes.
Me I can’t go out my eyes are too puffy.
Nadia
March 16 at 8:40am
I’m pretty sure they don’t fully realize it, because they have rationalized it so perfectly to themselves, they can never be the ‘bad guy’. They are just trying to make people happy…. which is what he would have these weird flip outs about, how no one cared about him, how he was doing so much to keep everyone happy… it was alarming.
The power of self-deception is in my mind evil.
He must have the capacity to care, but it just didn’t trump his desire to manipulate and have whatever he wanted and shatter lives doing it.
December
March 16 at 8:41am
OMG he had those flip outs at me ALL THE FREAKING TIME, and anytime I got mad at him for anything he went OFF as this crazy martyr “I do this for you and I did that for you and bla bla bla”
omggggggggggggggg
December
March 16 at 8:42am
It was quite possibly the thing I hated most about him
Nadia
March 16 at 8:43am
Thank you so much, I will reach deep down to the source of who I am, which is always free from this illusion and sadness and anger. It is everyone’s true nature and the work is to realize it. these experiences are like gifts to do just that, even though people feel sorry for us, and we feel sorry for ourselves, we have the greatest opportunity here to wake up to the purity of existence.
I will be sending good vibes to you today too; all my friends are in awe that 1. I am coherent and okay and that more so 2. You are coherent and okay!!! We’ve got strength like nobody’s business!!! Puffy eyes and trembling hands and all LOL.
December
March 16 at 8:44am
Well no wonder, I thought he was just freaking out because I was demanding his time and he was trying to keep me happy, and he was working TONS and he was trying to please his family – but there was one more person he must have been trying to please – YOU. How the hell did he manage to keep two women going????? Gawd, I bet there were times when you told him he HAD better get back to Vancouver, or you threatened to leave, and on my end of the world, he was suddenly anxious to get there saying he had to work or meet with his accountant or something. OMG.
You know – I think his family is all fucked up – I think they might have made him this way. He said their feud was about the fact that he was only an engineer and not pursuing more, but that never made sense to me. And they never wrote back to me, and all he ever seems to want to do is please them… and he can’t. OMG this is getting creepier every minute.
December
March 16 at 8:47am
Thanks and I know you are so right – I agree with you. All my life I have have felt that way – that my very BEING is created from all my wacky experiences, and I have had MANY – it is why I am so damn interesting 
So I will try to keep that in perspective today – because the growth spurt on this one is going to HAVE to be MASSIVE – OMG we might reach Buddha status!!!
Nadia
March 16 at 8:49am
I don’t know, only an engineer?? Making shitloads of cash? That rings so false. I think there’s something deeper but I could never know what it is.
I always joked/accused about having a wife, or another girlfriend, and he said how could he manage 2 he couldn’t even manage one.
Was he laughing to himself the whole time??? I was waaaay to lenient, hardly got any time from him, but tons of messages. I will never accept crap again!!! And if they get defensive about things well it’s done. That was such an obvious sign.
Ok I’m really outta here,
Be strong,
Nadia
December
March 16 at 9:01am
OMG V replied to your post on the soccer forum.
What kind of reply is that though?
Nadia
March 16 at 10:05am
Oh shit its not there anymore? He must have deleted it! What did it say?? Post is still there, small miracle.
I dropped the box off this morning but of course he didn’t answer.
December
March 16 at 10:17am
It just said, in true V-style-bad-spelling “Whose this?”
December
March 16 at 10:18am
Oh no I see duh it was someone else who wrote it – his name is there because it’s the name of the posting – sorry.
December
March 16 at 10:19am
So I hope you don’t mind being in my book. I can change your name if you want for posterity LOL. It won’t be coming out for a few years anyways.
Nadia
March 16 at 10:19am
Oh I misunderstood I checked the racing site. I don’t think that soccer post is his, has another name attached. I named the thread ‘v MeHMET’ so it looked like that was the author.
People actually voted on the fucking poll I made!
December
March 16 at 10:19am
Do you remember in the first year of your relationship, V having to work in Victoria a lot?
Nadia
March 16 at 11:00am
Yeah…. wow. Probably all the times he drove to ‘Calgary’ was to Penticton. I would love to be in your book you can use my name. I will answer any and all questions when the time comes to write it.
He is messaging me threatening suicide, which is such a crock of shit. I have had manipulative boyfriends do that in the past, in an attempt to be the ‘victim’ and get sympathy. I told him he was a psychopath, when he actually wrote “Yes I am flawed”. Have you ever not made any mistakes in your life you wish you could take back?’
I wrote: “A little more than flawed. You destroyed me year after year. I have never hurt anyone like that. It wasn’t a little mistake like you slept with me one drunken night, you led me on to love you for 3 years. You cold calculating demon….
It isn’t true. You never loved me. I was your cocksucker on the side.
V: do you want me to jump of the bridge? Tell me and I will do it now. If it will make you both happy.
Nadia: Fuck you are always so sorry for yourself, you always complain that you do everything to keep everyone happy. You are a psychopath.
….
V: If I am a sick psychopath why should I bother to live?
Nadia: You’ve got a lot of tough questions to ask yourself.
…
V: I will remove myself from the gene pool
Nadia. it won’t make me happy. nothing you can do will ever make me happy. I am destroyed and shattered. how will I ever trust another human being again. you have fucked me up.
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH it’s all a bit repetitive now.
December
March 16 at 11:13am
omgggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg
December
March 16 at 11:16am
OMG he’s chatting to Nikki now too, and he’s lying to her about dates etc, and trying to blame the whole thing on the Gino situation.
I fell for someone else over a year ago and that was at the same time I tried to break it off with V, he was never here and the relationship just wasn’t working for me. So I met this amazing dude and we really hit it off and in the end after all was said and done the guilt was killing me and V refused to let me go, even though I told him about Gino.
Anyways he has never let me forget it and is trying to convince Nikki that GINO is the reason for his wrong doings can you even believe that?
December
March 16 at 11:18am
Well at least you were sucking his cock cuz I sure wasn’t.
December
March 16 at 11:18am
Fuck I think I’m going to be sick there are some thing I should not think about.
Nadia
March 16 at 11:27am
Sorry that was a horrible image, but I am not surprised he is blaming this on something else. Classic.
December
March 16 at 11:35am
Me either.
December
March 16 at 11:44am
Well, my little most interesting choice of a new friend, I have to get off my sorry ass and do some errands. Wish me luck. I’ve managed to apply enough dark makeup around my eyes that I may be able to fool the world for today.
Please don’t get too caught up in the bullshit – it’s not going to do your soul ANY GOOD. I know it’s hard to cut him out of your life – he is like a cancerous tumor that is touching each of your vital organs. Cut gently, but CUT because he is deadly. Devastating and deadly. Nothing escapes the wrath of Hurricane V.
Again I’m using humor to quiet my own screaming heart, but it’s really not funny.
Chat soon
D
December
March 16 at 11:46am
Oh, and no- when he said he was going to Victoria, he really was. I lived in Victoria for the first year of our relationship. Did you know we met on Lava Life? We chatted for about a month, and then we were both planning to be in Vegas at the same time and our paths would cross for one night, so we actually met in person for the first time in Las Vegas and it was love at first sight. That was the end of January 2006. I thought for sure it was FATE, he was my dream man. 
December
March 16 at 1:14pm
I’m back.. after breaking down in front of people I don’t even know. Lovely.
Nadia
March 16 at 1:32pm
My apparent coping mechanism is just to blurt out the story to every fucking person I interact with. It’s like I can’t be fake or talk about anything else. I’m just walking through the halls dazed, thinking “Amazing, AMAZING”.
Even before my presentation I felt like prefacing it with explaining what I was feeling, but I realized that was WAY beyond crazy. I did a much better job because it was so surreal. This is like a dream.
You know the first song I heard on the radio this morning was fucking amazing, the new Bif Naked single called SICK, and the refrain YOU MAKE ME FUCKING SICK. It is my new anthem and it is perfect. Definitely check that out. The most incredible creative flood I ever had was after a heartbreak; I don’t know if I’m in the same state though this time. But maybe some amazing songs will come from this.
December
March 16 at 1:36pm
LOL I’m doing the same thing. It’s a wild story.
And I totally know what you mean – I wrote, performed and recorded all my best material when I was suffering heartache. Hey I actually have two songs recorded about V – have you heard them?
December
March 16 at 1:36pm
Do you have decent speakers on your computer? You can’t listen to these songs with crappy laptop speakers, but headphones would work. www.DecemberPussycat.com (Mama Mama and You Don’t Know Me)
December
March 16 at 1:37pm
All my older songs were about my boyfriend C***** who mind fucked me pretty good too, but I was younger then, it was a lot more difficult to cope and I funneled everything into song.
December
March 16 at 1:38pm
OMG we’re both musicians too? This is fucked up.
December
March 16 at 1:55pm
LOL I guess you’re not as pathetically glued to your computer as I am. <sigh> I am a wretch.
Nadia
March 16 at 1:58pm
I’m a bedroom musician, write songs on guitar for myself really, and share with friends, yeah I wrote him a song too how stupid of me. Not sure I could listen to your songs about him yet. When you write any angry heartbroken ones I can listen to those. My favorite Ani Difranco album (which I should dig up) is Dilated, which she wrote after a bad relationship. Esp. the title track. That will get me crying. Except for a few minutes right when I was finding all this out, I have been unable to cry. This is so weird for me because I am a bawler. I use movies to cry my heart out to, and I know that I’m crying for myself when I watch sad love stories.
I can’t eat or cry, and probably without that sleeping pill, wouldn’t have slept. But I feel so fucking normal, so coherent. Except for the blurting it out hahahaha. I think I’ve been in heartache this whole time with him so this is almost a relief.
Nadia
March 16 at 2:00pm
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
I am as pathetically glued to my computer hahahaha absolutely.
I just had to go to a couple classes, and I was on my blackberry the whole time, checking sites hahahaha they took down the post on the racing forum, not surprisingly.
December
March 16 at 2:01pm
It is angry and heartbroken. I got pregnant really early in our relationship and he wanted me to get rid of it and I refused - fucking bastard – I should have dumped him right then, I ended up losing at anyways as it was ectopic. But the song is not a happy one. I have not been satisfied since the very beginning. Anyways I’m not gonna push it, let me know if you ever wanna hear it.
December
March 16 at 2:03pm
Yes I feel your pain darling. I haven’t eaten a thing since a pancake yesterday morning – pre-discovery.
And I did NOT sleep well last night – could you mail me on of those pills?
I can’t stop my fits of heaving and crying, but at the same time, I feel like a huge weight has lifted. I adored that man – well, actually he made me so mad most of the time I wanted to stab him in the face, but I did adore him in some weird way, yes there was always something in my gut telling me it wasn’t right – and that feeling is GONE, my questions have been answered, my fears, justified. I AM FREE and so are you.
December
March 16 at 2:04pm
And FYI the song is a mockery of him after he dumped me when I was pregnant I wrote it. He’s so artistically retarded he thought it was about my mother. Dumb fucking engineer.
Nadia
March 16 at 2:05pm
Ok thanks, I will definitely get there, but not quite ready yet.
I also was not satisfied since the beginning.
I thought I had let it go after I realized he couldn’t be there for me but obviously he has some weird spell. This would make such an interesting documentary, paralleling our experiences but trying to get a sense of what was really going in his head. Because I will never know.
December
March 16 at 2:06pm
Thank God we have each other. What a fucked up scenario LOL.
Nadia
March 16 at 2:06pm
Hahahahahaha he IS SO ARTISTICALLY retarded. Another defense mechanism?? He never understood anything!!!! And always blamed it on being ESL!!! rrrrggggghhhhh
December
March 16 at 2:07pm
I wonder if it’s healthy – us going on like this. Maybe substituting one addiction for another? I’m sure its fine. I’m happy you are here with me. Of all the people in the world it could have been, I’m glad it was you.
Is that weird? LOL
December
March 16 at 2:08pm
OMG he used that ESL line on me all the time. God Nadia he said all the same things to both of us… was anything original? Just for you? Just for me? <another sigh> (that was a big one.)
December
March 16 at 2:13pm
The saddest thing is, I miss him SO MUCH. Our lives were much intertwined, he told you he was away working I guess, but he actually STOPPED traveling for work about six months ago and has been working from our home office.
Fuck I can’t seem to wrap my head around the fact that he’s not who I thought he was – it’s too hard. I miss him, but I miss someone who does not exist! He was not real. Yet I spent every day with him…. but he’s gone, I don’t know what to do.
Nadia
March 16 at 2:14pm
Thank you I am sitting in a computer lab, and I just laughed so hard, actual tears came to my eyes, its not even funny that neither of us can eat, but its so fucking true that it IS funny!
I honestly think he had real love for you, he let people see it. He never really let people see me and him together except select douche bags. I’m sure I got more of the ‘lines’ than you did. I started recognizing that he had lines when he said to my friend, ‘you give me faith in humanity again, blah blah blah’ and I was like ‘whoa, you just spring that shit on anyone you meet? I thought that meant something!’
I bet if I told you anything he said to me you could match it to a line. But I know I was the thing on the side.
December
March 16 at 2:15pm
Well regardless of our rankings and place in his life, we are both equal now.
December
March 16 at 2:17pm
And I know it must be hard for you to admit such things – I want you to know I appreciate how hard it must be and I thank you for it.
Nadia
March 16 at 2:17pm
Oh. My. God. He was working from home. His lies to me were monstrously huge. Incredible!!!!!!
Well I think this communication is definitely healing for me. Maybe we should stay away from the details now because we figured out that its all lies. Well for me it was ALL LIES. I don’t miss that at all.
December
March 16 at 2:18pm
Yeah I guess that’s what I was wondering, if maybe we shouldn’t get TOO deep into details. In many ways this is therapeutic for me BIG TIME, but it is also really weird.
Nadia
March 16 at 2:22pm
I agree. I can’t express how much of a fool I feel like. Such a fool. Yeah the details have served their purpose LOL
now we can know that the other is here to lean on. I think I seriously will do a couple sessions of therapy. Maybe I’ll cry there. WOW.
Let’s just take it day by day. Doesn’t matter how many days it takes, one day things will look better.
December
March 16 at 2:24pm
Ya and is it ok that every time I see that teeny tiny little “number one” at the top of the facebook page it makes me feel good? ha ha
I’m a sick woman. I’m glad we are in agreeance. And you can tell me anything – every little pang of pain and heartache that I get from hearing your words, heals me that much faster. And I don’t believe in prolonging suffering, I’m one to feel it as much as I can and move swiftly through the levels of grief and come out the other side a strong person. So the faster I can get this over with without missing any steps, the better -
December
March 16 at 2:24pm
And you are not a fool. Because if you are a fool, then I am a fool.
Are you calling me a fool, bitch???????
Nadia
March 16 at 2:29pm
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA you wanna go?? LOL
catfight: ON.
Oooooooooooooohhhh man, I feel better.
December
March 16 at 2:30pm
LOL me too. I’m eating something. Thank you.
Go eat.
December
March 16 at 2:34pm
It will be interesting to see (flash forward into the future) why you and I have been brought together so forcefully in this crazy thing called life. There must be some crazy purpose!!!!
Nadia
March 16 at 2:39pm
Ok last message, you’re right, seeing that little ‘one’ up there is incredibly comforting. WEIRD!!!!!! Hahahahahaha
and I definitely believe in a purpose for everything. Meaning in everything, so in that light, this is not a loss.
Ok I will try to eat that dry banana muffin in my purse!! Oh God no. Maybe a martini and a smoothie. M aybe a bellini.
LOL, ok you too, try to eat, whatever you can manage. I might be living off of fruit and ice cream for awhile LOL.
December
March 16 at 2:42pm
Take care. I’ll see you again soon I’m sure. D
December
March 16 at 5:21pm
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
Nadia
March 16 at 8:54pm
I fuuuuuuuuuuuuucccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkking hear ya.
My mum just fed me drinks so I could eat something.
Thank God I just had a multi-hour dinner with family and a good friend, and this is all we talked about the whole time. I can’t think about anything else. So do you have any offers to go hurt him? My brother will return from SE Asia soon, he might do it.
My stomach just drops randomly every so often. But so be it. Allllllllllll my friends were right.
Or sell this story?
December
March 16 at 9:00pm
LOL I have had several offers LOL.
And I have been texting with him for the past hour – he went from the usual shit show of lame apologies, to actually blaming me – saying it was partly my fault because our relationship wasn’t always perfect. He said I pushed him away and he felt unloved and unwanted so he started looking at other girls and then found you – which is bullshit if you’ve been with him for 3 years because we didn’t start having problems until much later.
Than he made a point of saying he stayed with you because you are kind and always peaceful and happy.
That hurt. I think he was trying to hurt me.
Then he went off about how much he misses the dogs.
He ran every gamut of emotions…. ending with ASS HOLE. And he has actually gotten under my skin. I don’t think I should communicate with him anymore…. but letting go is so hard.
I’m so devastated and lonely, I don’t know WHAT to do. He told me I could have all his stuff and do what I want with it – another martyr guilt trip – I need to find the deed for his bike. He always over dramatizes everything though to get a rise out of me, and then when I call his bluff he changes his tune.
I’m glad you’re back I was so lonely I txt’d him to get some conversation going!! LAME!!!!
D
Nadia
March 16 at 9:00pm
Oh I know that I won’t be able to empathize with everything you’re going through….. you had so much more built up together. I am so full of hate it’s not even funny. This is exactly what I need to get over him. You will find a way to hate (hahaha as if that’s a good thing).
December
March 16 at 9:03pm
Yes I need to stop sympathizing and empathizing and feeling his pain and trying to understand the whole thing and just get MAD. But how???????????????????? I’m a nice person!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Help me, oh Goddess of Rage!!!
December
March 16 at 9:04pm
Fuck maybe I just need to BUCK UP. I’m good at bucking up, I just want to make sure I pay adequate homage to my emotions.
Nadia
March 16 at 9:08pm
Eeeeeeeeee SCARY can you enlist one of your friends to come camp out with you? I can’t be alone that’s for sure. After the texting did it help take away the kind feelings? BURN THAT BIKE.
Burn everything.
No offers on the violence?
Nadia
March 16 at 9:10pm
Yeah, no need to fake being okay, its no good. I need to go through all the rage first and I think forgiveness is down the road, but that doesn’t mean condone or contact. Whatever happens, it won’t be resolved in the next few days, and this will have to have its own fucking timeline.
December
March 16 at 9:11pm
Yes I’ve had many offers!!!!!! And you can’t be alone??? I’m jealous you have some company. It’s really hard for me to be alone with this but I tend to want to hide when I’m in pain. It’s hard for me to let people see me suffer. So I sit here alone instead wishing this wasn’t happening and drinking red wine. Probably not the best combo ha ha.
I should burn the bike, huh. What about all his nice clothes…there’s like 8 garbage bags full LOL NICE STUFF TOO… I just don’t think I have it in me to destroy all those things. Or even give them to the Sally Anne. Fuck.
Nadia
March 16 at 9:11pm
And that’s so awesome you don’t want to talk to anyone in person. I’m getting pissed at all the texts and calls… can’t people understand I don’t want to rehash it for entertainment every five minutes unless you’re a stranger LOL.
December
March 16 at 9:11pm
Plus I have 8 cats and two dogs so I’m not REALLY alone.
December
March 16 at 9:12pm
LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
December
March 16 at 9:13pm
I hear ya LOL!!!!
Nadia
March 16 at 9:14pm
True, my dog is majorly picking up on this. I find just the company of one man hating friend is just right. No groups, no looky-loos, just one old friend who will help you figure out ways to cause him pain. Well that works for me. And of course music, blaring the angriest music is beyond wonderful.
But I’m lucky that the communication is over. That’s the first step.
December
March 16 at 9:16pm
Did you actually say you were never going to talk to him again or you just aren’t?
Nadia
March 16 at 9:16pm
And really? No ability to give away the clothes? What about physically handing a bag to a bum? Might be more satisfying than a faceless clothing drop box.
December
March 16 at 9:17pm
LOL I still feel bad – see how nice I am? That motherfucker.
December
March 16 at 9:18pm
Funny my dog London is picking up on it too she has been SO SWEET to me all day.
December
March 16 at 9:19pm
Let’s just wait and see if the cheque clears before I throw anything out.
I might need leverage.
I’m trying to see the positive in all this – I have a lot of brand new stuff in here that now belongs to me … like furniture and electronics etc
meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!
December
March 16 at 9:19pm
I’m quite a catch.
December
March 16 at 9:22pm
I think you and me are very similar…. my parents are my confidants through all of this as well. Funny that two girls with such close, loving families fell for a man who doesn’t seem to have that with his own family.
Nadia
March 16 at 9:22pm
Hahahaha that IS a sweet consolation prize. I said goodbye but there was some pathetic messages from him after and angry texts from me, so now it will just be no more answers if I get any messages, which I don’t expect to.
December
March 16 at 9:23pm
I’m proud of you – and jealous that you are able to close him off.
It will take every ounce of strength that I have inside me to do it, and I have to as well.
December
March 16 at 9:25pm
What kind of doggy do you have?
Nadia
March 16 at 9:26pm
Yes, it is doubtless necessary to cut it off, or our heads will implode. That IS crazy all the similarities!!! That’s fucked what he said to you about me. He is unreal, so heartless! I was a pawn?!?! Yes, yes I was. Wow.
Nadia
March 16 at 9:28pm
I’ve got the sweetest girl ever, border collie, with German shepherd. She has ligament problems but is only four.
Yeah I came to realize the role I played. It was just affection and adoration on tap.
December
March 16 at 9:30pm
No I think he is full of shit when he says stuff like that. Honestly I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT ANYTHING MEANS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You know what – I’ve been married, and it was very painful when he moved out, so I’m no stranger to this feeling. BUT V was always coming and going so much that it became normal, and I can’t seem to explain to my brain that he’s actually gone for ever and NEVER COMING back because my brain is so used to being alone and waiting for him.
It’s weird to be in this house (which Is MINE not his by the way woo hoo) and try to realize I live here alone.
December
March 16 at 9:30pm
But I can see you will move on faster than me and I certainly don’t want to hold you back from moving forward, so maybe I should stop talking to you about all this shit???
December
March 16 at 9:31pm
OMG my London is also part border collie and shepherd. She looks mostly like a black lab though. So weird.
December
March 16 at 9:34pm
Weird I’m starting to feel harsh pangs of ….. Jealousy? Gawd that’s the worst emotion fer sher. I guess I should just shut it off.
Nadia
March 16 at 9:35pm
Oh nonononono I will move on in the right time and you will move on in the right time, but it won’t be overnight.
I figured the house was yours, all his money in the condo… did he really lose a lot of stocks in Nortel?
December
March 16 at 9:36pm
Apparantly. He was supposed to fix that condo up and rent it out two years ago but he would never get it done… now I know why he didn’t want to give it up.
Nadia
March 16 at 9:37pm
What do you feel jealous of? Whatever comes up, we can’t repress it. But let me tell you there’s nothing to be jealous of here.
December
March 16 at 9:41pm
Everything was a lie. Gaaaaaaaaaaaaawd I feel like dying!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You know, it has been a helluva few years for me….I lost my best friend, I’ve had a divorce, five miscarriages and two ectopic pregnancies and I’ve had to face the possibility that I might not get to have children which I want more than anything, then my brother and his wife gave birth to twins, which was very hard on me, I’ve had half my thyroid removed, and now THIS – and right when we were supposed to be trying to make a baby.
You know I went through SO MUCH to heal my body from all the miscarriages and emotional pain, I was seeing naturopaths and reflexologists and quit smoking and did SO MUCH and all of a sudden V couldn’t have sex with me anymore. Said he had developed some kind of sex problem….
He said it was MY fault because I had stopped having sex with him for a few months after the last miscarriage because I was so messed up over it. But I KNEW in my gut he was lying – he didn’t want to get me pregnant I KNEW IT. He didn’t have a sex problem when you saw him two weeks ago, did he? NO ….. MOTHERFUCKER!!!
Oooooh… am I starting to get mad??? woo wee!
Nadia
March 16 at 9:41pm
I’m just walking my friend to the bus stop.
Nadia
March 16 at 9:44pm
GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FEEL THAT FUCKIN’ ANGER TOWARD THAT MOTHERFUCKER
He is lower than a snake.
Holy shit.
You have been through so much. But now you can finally do something healing and clear the real toxin from your life. HIM.
December
March 16 at 9:55pm
Yes ma’am I think you are right. I’m free from the poison….. I can find someone who stimulates me and inspires to create art!!! Not stifles me and curbs my joy at every turn. And you no longer have to wait………. wait………. wait for him to come home either. Our days of waiting are so over!!!
December
March 16 at 9:55pm
And I like snakes… could you please find another metaphor?
Thanks babe.
December
March 16 at 9:59pm
OMG our days of Waiting for V are OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OMG you have no idea – that’s all I ever did was WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!
Wait for him to call, wait for him to come home, wait for him to want the same things as me, wait for him to take a shower, OMG NO MORE WAITING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
December
March 16 at 10:09pm
You know Nadia, you’re quite a bit younger than me so I feel entitled to offer you a pearl of wisdom LOL.
I don’t know how many painful breakups you have been through, but I’m willing to bet you already know what I’m about to tell you – I think you are wise beyond your years.
Nothing empowers me more than a good old super duper painful breakup OMG. When my husband and I split, I dropped 20 lbs in like a DAY, became so hot and oozing in sex appeal that men were powerless to resist me LOL, and my true gorgeous inner power was set free and I rocked this world. I HAD THE KAVORKA IM NOT KIDDING. You know what that is? Kramer had it – it’s the ‘Lure of the Animal’.
And I have a feeling it will be the same this time around. I think the energy and joy that he has sucked from us will flow back in, replenish our souls until they are once again overflowing with radiant light and beauty – in fact, I KNOW IT WILL. You’ll see.
Nadia
March 16 at 10:37pm
You’re right, it’s like the wait is finally over. That’s the feeling of relief.
Haha I nixed the ‘dog’ metaphor, caught myself using that one out of convenience but it always felt wrong. And the snake one did too. I was trying to think of something ‘lower than an animal’ but those words are right out of the devils mouth.
I know that the light within that was getting caught up in this shit is now free to pour out, but I’m so not ready to trust another dude. I’ve been in love with my friend for the whole time but chose V over something real. Wow. Now I can’t go crawling to him, and say, oh now I’m free, let’s be together. Oh barf. I need to do some major healing.
Since that is not an avenue I will be able to go down, I think I will channel all of this growth into insight and awareness. I will rededicate a meditation practice and make sure I only keep good company.
My last relationship was fucked in the sense that we started out in an ‘open’ relationship which I did not practice. That nearly did me in, but the added infidelity after a promise to be monogamous did.
Before that it was a super way to old for me guy, who I actually never wanted to be with but found myself passively living with him, and getting pregnant by him. When I ended the relationship with no room to argue he went apeshit and stalked me.
And there’s a couple more doozies before that. So I’m really doubting my ability to pick a guy. Maybe I should dedicate myself to God LOL.
December
March 16 at 10:41pm
OMG you have the same taste in men as me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ROFL
December
March 16 at 10:49pm
LOL I think you are so right – its time to channel all of this into goodness. I do a lot of volunteer work and animal rescue, in fact most of my cats are special needs ha ha mentally retarded or physically handicapped.
I like to help and heal. Maybe I (and you) should focus on THAT kind of goodness and healing – very smart. It gives back like nothing else can. And energy healing and meditation of course is included in that.
I really don’t know how to trust a man either after all the times I’ve been screwed over. V was the first man I really allowed myself to trust – even though he was gone a lot of the time I was still somehow able to do it! A lot of good THAT did me, but at least I know it’s possible. And it will be for you too. You are super spiritual like me and you have to remember that no matter what occurs, you can NEVER close down. Always remain open… at any cost. What have we got to lose anyways? At this point we have seen it all!
See I believe that all of these relationships are priming me (and you) for the ONE who is coming (soon I hope).
I had a CRAZY awakening about a year ago – an angel was sent to me in the form of a very special man – with a message to give me- that V was not the one for me, and I had to lose the luggage to get ready for THE ONE. But I couldn’t do it…..
and then we got engaged and I got preggers… and bla bla bla.
But it always nagged at me… which is why on Saturday night I prayed to God PLEASE PEASE PLEASE send me an unmistakable, undeniable sign about what to do – and I woke up the next morning and there was the email from you.
So I know that my life is about to begin. I’ve seen the signs!!
December
March 16 at 10:50pm
OMG ok I know what expression we should use – “lower than a scumbag Turk!” that’s waaaaaaaaay lower than a snake or a dog LOL.
Nadia
March 16 at 10:59pm
hahahahahahahahah ok it’s officially coined!
Wow that is so incredible the synchronicity of it all in your story. For me, people don’t understand WHY I decided at that point to search around, funny, I was just part of the bigger plan!
I have been meditating for a long time, and gradually loosening my identity as a ‘person’ in a ‘shitty relationship’ LOL and to really experience the depth of my existence. It depends on ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. That is the crux. Even if I don’t know it, its still okay, because it is still who and what I am- pure freedom, pure awareness, pure LIFE. And that is not my story. That is the story of every human being who believes they are a ‘situation’ as my guru said to me hahahaha.
Amazing I have been remembering all the dreams I had, where I saw V’s wife, or would ask him if he could marry me and he would say no. It couldn’t have been clearer to my deeper awareness, and yours by the sound of it too! We are pretty staunchly devoted kind people hahahaha I remember the point where I conscientiously decided to trust V, and told him about that. But yet it was just taking that voice and trying to drown it. That can’t be trust!!!
And yes the ONE will be doubtless. I am waiting for the true doubtless state. Whether that includes a guy or not.
December
March 16 at 11:01pm
OMG can you imagine what a beautiful state that would be.
I’ve often thought I was incapable of experiencing that state, but it always turns out I am just with the wrong people!
I know it will happen though – I just know.
December
March 16 at 11:05pm
OMG I’ve been saving all our convo’s – just so I have something to refer back to when I write the book… its pretty crazy shit we’ve got going on here.
Wouldn’t that be super weird to copy the entire thing and send it to Fuckhead? Just a weird thought I had. LOL I don’t know that it would serve any purpose but it sure would trip him right the fuck out if his lame ass ESL brain can even read it.
But maybe it’s better not to look back… might turn into a pillar of salt.
Nadia
March 16 at 11:05pm
I know it will happen too. I think much of my ‘problem’ has been seeing the best in people. Which is an interesting paradox in what you say above, about staying open. If I had to choose one word to describe myself, that would be it! Open!! But I fear it is my downfall??
I let everyone in, I think I just need to develop better discernment. Openness but awareness. It can be done!!!!
Hahaha I feel guilty for ignoring all the texts checking in on me and asking details. It’s bloody ridiculous.
December
March 16 at 11:06pm
Huh? You’re getting inquiries from your peeps?
Nadia
March 16 at 11:06pm
Interesting, interesting…. I never thought about that…. so tempting you’re right… but I’m betting its something to sleep on anyway!
December
March 16 at 11:07pm
You are so wise LOL.
Please include me in your next meditation IF YOU ARE ABLE, I need all the good energy I can get, and I will do the same for you.
Nadia
March 16 at 11:08pm
Yeah my friends, who I love, but I send out a few holy shit my life has just had a bomb dropped on it texts briefly explaining, but that didn’t mean I wanted to get into all the details with each and every person. Even good good friends. So they’re all worried and want updates but I can’t even look at my phone LOL.
Nadia
March 16 at 11:08pm
My phone was my relationship LOL I think I need a new one. That one is named V.
December
March 16 at 11:09pm
Oh dear LOL.
December
March 16 at 11:09pm
LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OMG same here, I think that’s why I cant get off my computer or leave my phone in the other room…. I’m addicted to my V too!!!!!!!!!!!!
December
March 16 at 11:10pm
You know sometimes I would sit in the living room and he would sit in the office and we would msn.
That’s fucking sick LOL.
Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawd I hope I don’t carry his flaws into the next relationship.
Nadia
March 16 at 11:13pm
Hahahahaha I am going to do a smudge ceremony with sage to clear this stuff symbolically. Burn it away. Send it to God which will recharge it with goodness again. I am starting to hallucinate and wonder if I am starting to sound like I am hallucinating LOL.
December
March 16 at 11:14pm
LOL no you sound fine.
December
March 16 at 11:14pm
LOL
December
March 16 at 11:15pm
Your excellent sense of humor was totally wasted on him you know – as was mine. He never seemed to ‘get it’ the way most people do. It really started to irritate me. Not sure if you noticed that or not.
Nadia
March 16 at 11:20pm
He would only really notice it when I got ‘spunky’ I cant think of a better word that one of the Golden Girls might not have used, but when I would start really harshing on him in humor then he would take notice. He was just that egocentric!
I have been trying to think of a Facebook status for so long, like 14 hours hahahaha.
Did I tell you the other similarity: I look after a girl (woman) with fragile x which is a developmental disability, and we are super tight, have been caring for her for ten years. SO EERIE eh. I am over at her house tomorrow right after school… I am going to be away from the computer! This will be hard!
Nadia
March 16 at 11:21pm
Fucking George Strombolopolous is on my TV and I will never be able to look at him again.
December
March 16 at 11:21pm
Well, Sex and the City is almost over and I think I’m going to attempt SLEEP.
I’m going to try not to spend my entire day on the computer tomorrow… TRY being the operative word… but I should do some yoga and take my doglets to the beach….
But if you need me, please feel free to txt me at any time 250.488.****
You know I will be happy to get a message from you.
Sleep well and remember all those wonderful things you told me about being free. Thank you for everything. I appreciate you.
d
December
March 16 at 11:22pm
OMG V never shut UP about that fucking George Strombolopolous experience on the plane when the stewardesses thought he WAS George.
He was SO PROUD OF IT.
omgggggggggg
December
March 16 at 11:23pm
OMG we are trippy you and me.
Nikki (the girl I used to take care of) has Osteogenesis Imperfecta.
It’s eerie – YOU AND ME SO EERIE WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
Nadia
March 16 at 11:24pm
Hugs to you too, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate this.
Feel free to text me at any time too, even just to say Fuuuuuuuuuuuck.
604 999 ****
Second day of being free from this, yet you are right, our whole life has always been free. DAY TWO BITCHES!!!!!!
Goodnight and I hope you have some good dreams or at least no dreams.
Nadia
December
March 16 at 11:26pm
LOL night night you dream well too. And put my number in your phone LOL.
D
December
March 16 at 11:29pm
LOL how would this work as your slogan:
“Nothin’ says lovin’ like a Turkey in the oven”.
Night night
Nadia
March 16 at 11:31pm
Roast that turkey LOL.
Night night, number in, crazy eh!
